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Articles for this week's Archive

Local Man Starts New Year Alone, Again
Index By Category
Skinny People "Ruining Society"
Dog Boredom Sweeps Nation
French Aid Pours Into Asia
Petra Nemcova OK!
Depression-Era Relatives Decry Waste
Harllel Jones May Replace Mfume at NAACP

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Local Man Starts New Year Alone, Again

Peoria, IL native George Colitos sent us this video he made of himself for a dating service. He gave us his permission to publish the transcript, hoping some ladies out there will want to call him.

"Last night I almost stayed home," George syas, "I was going to go out, I knew of a few parties, but I thought, well I'd have to take a shower, and change, and that just seemed like too much work. Plus there'd be a bunch of people I don't know there that I'd have to meet and make the same small talk with. So, I was just not interested. But then at 11:30 I realized I'd be kicking myself if I didn't go out, so I threw a sweatshirt on and went to one of the parties.

"I had a drink so I'd have something to do with my hands, I and stood there in the kitchen, but no one came up and talked to me. There were a few cute girls but, they didn't seem interested. They are probably the type that only like aggressive men and jerks. You know, we're not cavemen anymore, those qualities aren't really needed in a man.

"People like to talk about themselves so I let them, I don't really listen. But I'm not really what you call a 'talker.' I figure they're probably not interested in hearing me talk either. I really hate the whole small talk and telling your life story and the whole first date interview. I wish I could just get all that upfront stuff over. I mean, I haven't had a date in awhile but my friends tell me that still goes on.

"I think I'll just carry a recording around, that way I can just give them the recording, which will have my number at the end, then they can call me once they're done listening.

"I like to sit at home and watch TV with my dog. That's the most fun I think. Well it's not really 'fun' I guess. Really it's just there's no pressure to conform to someone else's expectations of you. I can sit there and eat and get fat and scratch myself and no one cares. As soon as you walk out the door, people start laying their expectations on you, and you have to always be putting on a performance. I'm so tired of that.

"I'd like to meet someone that is compatible, that isn't going to expect anything from me, that understands I have a lot to give but won't ask me for anything. She should also be giving, thoughtful, and take care of her body, I don't need someone hot, but at least be athletic and work out, and care about presenting herself to others, not let herself go."

Anyone out there that wants to meet George email us at

Index By Category


Pluto's Predictions 1: The Shield Season 4
Pluto's Birthday

Caption Mania!

The Week In Pictures 9
The Week In Pictures 8
The Week In Pictures 7
The Week In Pictures 6
The Week In Pictures 5
The Week In Pictures 4
The Week In Pictures 3
The Week In Pictures 2
The Week In Pictures 1

From the Editor

From The Editor 3
Editorial Monologue 1

One Liner Headlines 1


Green Party Rejects Calls For Tourism
Religious Groups Flood Indonesia
Libertarian Party Teaches Refugees to Fish
US Aid Effort Disorganized, Undermining UN
French Aid Pours Into Asia
Petra Nemcova OK!

Messages From Our Sponsors

Flamco Paint
Flamco Paint Followup Call


Text Message Hell
Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities
Who The Hell Do We Think We Are?
Green Day: Dangerous Rockers
World AIDS Day Observed
Lord of the Rings and Wizard of OZ fans clash at site of Hobbit excavation

Local People In The News

Man Annoys Friends After Buying TIVO
Blogger Squanders Instapundit Link
Girl refuses to pay debt
Dog Boredom Sweeps Nation
Idiot Learns About Frostbite
Idiot Throws Out Original Star Wars Laserdiscs
Depression-Era Relatives Decry Waste


Italians Beef Up Kidnapping Insurance
Church of the Creator Needs TLC As Well
Biden's Wife Tortures Iranians
Mujahideen Getting Sloppy
Thanksgiving in Fallujah
Spain to Terrorists: Stop Picking on Us
Bush Punishes Tenet for Bad Iraq Intelligence
French Journalists found in Fallujah
France is confident Iran will/won't enrich uranium


Things Not to Do When Approaching a Military Checkpoint
Sgrena Incident: US Troops As Myopic (Literally) As Our Policies
CNN memo targeting US Military
Swift Boat Vet Conspiracy Finally Proven
Media Laments Survival of Operators
Red Cross: Green Day is Torture
Kerry Kicks Off Demoralization Tour 2005
US Serviceman Tortured!
Retraction: Justice Dept Defines Torture
Former Marine Accuses US of War Crimes

The Left

We're Not Racist, The Jews Just Want To Make Us Look That Way
Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius
Republican Lawmaker Threatens Democrat with Rough Sex
Top Conspiracies of Karl Rove: Evil Genius
Republicans Ask For Another Chance
Top Ten Things We're Sorry For
Test Confirms Ted Kennedy is Douchebag
Dances With Neocons
Liberals For Love Protest President
George Soros' New Year's Resolution
WalMart prices: how low is too low?
What's the matter with Kansas Author Interviewed

The Right

Banks Want Government Proction
Libertarian Party Teaches Refugees to Fish
Bush to Marines: Stop Taking Names
Justice Department Defines Torture
Clandestine Neocon Karaoke Cabal Uncovered!
John Williams Honored
Bush asks Congress to approve drilling on Titan
Motorola's new phones show image of child who made phone


Netherlands Outsources Euthanasia
Condi Apologizes for Forcing Freedom on Europe
Satire Writers Out Of Work: World Too Crazy
NAMBLA, Others, Flock to Netherlands
France May Let Workers Work
Chirac: U.S. hegemony interfering with French hegemony

The Green Party

SUV Owner Gets What He Deserves
Green Party Rejects Calls For Tourism
Noble Savages Prove Superiority

Race Relations

Whites Underwhelmingly Respond To Iraqi Election
MLK Rolls Over In Grave
NAACP: Dr. Rice Not Black Enough
Harllel Jones May Replace Mfume at NAACP
Secrets from Episode 3 Revealed

Sexual Relations

World Womens' Day Celebrated Around The World
Local Man Causes Fatness in Women
We Are Changing Our Site
NOW Wants Abortion Criminalized
Gay Republicans defend votes for Bush
Skinny People "Ruining Society"
Liberals for Love Out Gays
Local Man Starts New Year Alone, Again
Man Gives Wife Surprise Lexus
Nice guy finishes last
Electrifying Kiss Turns Out to Be Medicated ChapStick
Murder Suicide goes awry


ACLU Withdraws From Lawsuits
ACLU Gets Voting Declared Illegal
Thanksgiving Made Illegal


Oh Danny Boy, Payback, Payback Is Calling (And She's A B****)
Ding Dong, Dan Rather's Gone
Top 10 Stories Dan Rather Wants to be First to Report
CNN targeting US Military
Rather Defends Hostage Story
CBS Fears Report May Be Forged
Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI
CBS's Plan To Regain Credibility
Rather Still Wants to be First II
Ana Marie Cox: Evidence is for Lawyers Not Journalists
Rather Still Wants to be First


Dead Protest Fraud Allegations
Yanukovich Contratulates Gregoire
Homeless and Felons Sway Election
2008 Campaign slogans identified

Michael Moore

Michael Moore Not Giving Back Oscar
Huge Turd Devastates California Countryside

Lists (At Least Ten Each, sometimes More!)

Pluto's Predictions 1: The Shield Season 4
Things Not to Do When Approaching a Military Checkpoint
Top Ten Motifs of SarahKs Posts at IMAO
Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities
Eason Jordan memo on rules for CNN targeting US Military
Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius
Top 10 Stories Dan Rather Wants to be First to Report
We Are Changing Our Site
Liberals For Love Protest President
Clandestine Neocon Karaoke Cabal Uncovered!
2008 Campaign slogans identified

Friday, December 31, 2004

Skinny People "Ruining Society"

In response to our recent article celebrating the survival of Petra Nemcova, we were contacted by Lisa Flabston, president of Fat Acceptance America, who wanted to talk about the tsunami in Asia and the real tragedy.

"I was so disgusted with your article," she told us, "talking about a supermodel who survived a tsunami, while ignoring the real problem going on right now: discrimination against the plus-sized.

"People are so cruel, I got picked on as a child, and it was horrible. People still are mean even as an adult. What I want is not just acceptance for plus-sized people, but for everyone to be judged according to the content of their character, not what they look like."

We interviewed Ms Flabston, who has a doctorate in "life, deal with it", at the Julius Meinl coffee shop in Chicago. "Look at that skinny bitch," she said about a woman walking by. "See how skinny and stuck up she is? That is what we have to put up with. I forgot how much I hate the people in this neighborhood, why did we meet here anyway?"

Over coffee and dessert, she explained the main position of Fat Acceptance America: "Skinny people are ruining society, that's the basic truth. They walk around as if everyone admires them and loves them. Plus, skinny women are stuck up bitches. Look at that other bitch over there, see how she carries herself? I can just tell she thinks she is better than me. Well I have news for her, being thin and beautiful and stuck up about it doesn't make you better than me, in fact it makes you worse. I am better than her. I am not being proud, it is just the truth.

"And don't even talk about losing weight. People can't lose weight. Besides, it changes you. Skinny people are mean and bitter - losing weight makes you bitter. Even Weight Watchers perpetuates the lie that if you are successful losing weight people will start to criticize you and drag you back down. Isn't that stupid?

"My friend who lost weight says his old plus-sized friends don't like him and say bad things about him. What arrogance! I don't know what he's talking about, but what I do know is ever since he lost weight he has become a real prick. We plus-sized normal friends were talking about him, and we decided he has become obsessed. It is not normal to lose 70 lbs in 2 years. And all those muscles he has now, what is he going to do with those?

"Not only that, but every time we go out to eat he gets something healthy, as though he is rubbing it in, like he is better than us. He wants us to accept him as he is. Ha! Not as long as he is a skinny jerk-off.

"If only these people would accept us and stop being arrogant jerks, they are all so stuck up and judgemental, the world would be a better place ... They could stand to gain a few pounds too."

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Dog Boredom Sweeps Nation

At a recent Veterinarian Society of America conference, a buzz was generated by the paper "Bored Dogs Reach Epidemic Proportions" by veterinarian Neil Goodlove. Our reporters were granted this exclusive interview with him.

"If wives are 'football widows,' then dogs are 'football orphans,'" Dr Goodlove told us. "Every year more and more bowl games are added to the college football season. With the growing popularity of satellite TV, all of these games are available and the problem is only getting worse. That is why the Veterinarian Society of America has come out with a statement in support of a playoff season for college football, at least that will mean less games.

"No matter how many times it is explained to me, I still can't figure out how they decide who goes to the Rose Bowl or the championship bowl. The madness must end!

"But that is not all, things have gotten especially bad since Christmas. Many dog owners received Halo 2 or Knights of the Old Republic 2 from their girlfriends or wives, and this has only made matters worse. We are lobbying to place warning stickers on these games, saying 'Warning, may cause disappearance into rec rooms, inability of other family members to access TV, and ignoring of dogs.'"

He handed us a photo of a german shepherd. "See Rex here?" he said. "See this hot spot, this bare patch of skin? He tore his hair out there chewing on it, he was so bored out of his mind. And look at this shitzu, Max. Look how unhappy he is after having an accident in the house since his dad was too busy defeating the Sith to let him out."

"We have had increasing incidents of this sort of self-mutilation like chewing and pulling hair out," said Margaret Obtenezvie, canine psychologist. "Dogs are going stir-crazy with nothing to do. Some are chasing tails and running around barking, all in a vain attempt to get their owner's attention, who is glued to the TV.

"There is an increasing number of accidents since dogs are not being let out in time. Canine chakras are way out of alignment. We are also seeing an increase in oversleeping, not coming when called, and, most disconcerting of all, falling grades in obedience classes.

"This is Sammy," she said, indicating a black lab lying next to us. He raised his eyebrows eyeing us both at the mention of his name. "He used to get As in obedience class. Now he gets Cs. He also won't do his agility runs. His teachers say he simply doesn't pay attention anymore, he acts up in class, and always wants to be the center of attention. I have tried to get through to him, but he seems more interested in squirrels.

"I don't know what we're going to do with these problem dogs, but we have to find an answer soon. They're just not getting enough attention at home. Parents can't continue to just dump their discipline problems on the schools.

"This year will be the worst, since in the next few weeks, even as the football season ends and these owners finish up their video games, the new seasons of Battlestar Galactica and Stargate will start. And now there are two Stargates!"

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

French Aid Pours Into Asia

"Let no one say the French are stingy," French Foreign Minister Michel Barnier said in an interview in his plane headed to Asia. "We know how to help others.

"The French people do not have to give personally, not like in America with their low taxes for 'economic stimulation.' We French we know the true meaning of the word 'stimulation.' The American people are actually donating money themselves! But here, the French government can do all the giving. We have high taxes so that our government has plenty of money to help others, such as the 15% of our people that are unemployed.

"But despite our own needs at home, we have generously offered 100,000 euros (US$135,000) for the reconstruction in Asia. Of course, the French NGO Secours Populaire Francais is also giving 100,000 euros, so that is 200,000 euros from France! That's 270,000 dollars US!

"Who can top that? The selfish Americans?"

"We are extremely thankful for all the aid France is giving us," said Lal Liyanaarachchi, an official of the Sri Lankan Social Welfare Ministry. "They have been very helpful. I only wish the imperialist Zionist US would be so helpful. Their president wouldn't even go on TV! He just sent food and medical supplies.

"Israel even tried to send spies! They wanted to send 'rescue teams,' but we didn't let them land, since we didn't want any dirty Jews to contaminate our soil. Even in the midst of such devastation, we cannot lower our standards. Our people can wait a few more days before being rescued."

Update - 12:05 am Dec 30, 2004:
Several hours ago France increased their aid package to $20 million US. French Foreign Minister Barnier denies that pressure from Eyes On The Ball News prompted them to increase their gift.

Petra Nemcova OK!

Eyes On The Ball News is pleased to announce that Victoria Secret supermodel Petra Nemcova is alive and stable after surviving the devastating Asian tsunami this week.

"This is truly a Christmas miracle," said John Sweeney, president of the Petra Nemcova fan club. "We held a candlelight vigil all night praying for her safety, and even raised $3210 to help search for her."

Twenty five year old Nemcova survived by hanging onto a tree for 8 hours to keep from being lost at sea despite massive injuries, including a broken hip as well as more serious internal injuries.

"She is so brave and so strong," Sweeney said, "few others would have the strength."

"Finally this should dash the rumours that supermodels are waifs that would blow away in the slightest breeze," said Jacques Rosepénétrateur, President of Belles Demoisellesies, the French supermodel agency. "It took a tsunami to drag her away. She has been working out in the gym for years.

"Supermodels are tired of being looked down on - of being seen as helpless 'ditzes' that don't deserve their money and fame. Nemcova was born with perfect genes, and she has worked hard on her body. That night, as she was fighting to survive, she wasn't just fighting for her life, but for all of us. For if she were to die, surely there would be a little less light in the world, and a little part of all of us would die."

"Now that she's been found and in a hospital, we will use the donations to help her more," Sweeney also told us. "We plan on making her feel better. We're taking up a collection to send her flowers, and get well cards as well as singing telegrams. We know there are a lot of suffering people right now because of the tsunami, and we think if she gets better, then she can spread love and cheer around to everyone else.

"We have set up a PayPal account on our website where people can donate to the Petra Nemcova fund. In this time of need, we should remember others who are more in need than us. People like Petra."

"The world was in shock after the waves hit," Rosepénétrateur said. "Now that Petra is safe, and her tale of courage can be told, we can all breathe easier. I have already commissioned a team of photographers to go down to her and create a photojournal of her harrowing ordeal. We think this will offer hope to anyone else who might be caught in a tsunami some day, or other natural disaster. That message would of course be, 'Hang on like Petra, there is hope if you just wait long enough. You will not be forgotten'."

Eyes On The Ball Readers may donate to the Petra Nemcova Get Well Soon fund, or one of these other charities for non supermodels:

Feed the Children
Salvation Army
Red Cross
Give Life (blood donations)

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Depression-Era Relatives Decry Waste

At the Becker family Christmas Day get-together, controversy erupted at dessert when too much coffee was made.

"She made too much coffee, we only needed one cup," Karl, the Becker family patriarch, said. "It was a waste of beans.

"And she buys that expensive Starbucks coffee too," he complained about his daughter, Jennifer.

"The coffee maker doesn't work if you try to make too little," Jennifer said, "so I just made half a pot. Someone else might want some later."

"Did you see the wrapping paper she used?" Josephine, Karl's wife asked. "That fancy shiny paper? And the nice wrapping job she had them do at the store! I wonder how much that cost? We used to wrap gifts ourselves. And we didn't have fancy paper, we used the funnies."

"Why does she have to spend so much money on toys for the kids?" Karl asked. "She's going to spoil them. They won't listen."

"It's our job to spoil them," Josephine added, "they're our grandkids. It is ok for us to give them nice gifts, but parents have to be strict. Besides, we are old, we have lived a long time. Jennifer and David need to save their money."

"They could have patched the knees of those jeans instead of buying new ones," Karl said. "Since when did children need new clothes every year? I didn't have new clothes for school. I went to work in the afternoons."

"They just never shut up," Jennifer told us. "The grew up in the Depression, and won't throw anything away. You should see their basement, it's like they're stockpiling for a nuclear war."

"That food is all good, why throw it out?" Josephine asked. "She doesn't know, we protected her, maybe we spoiled her, I don't know."

Monday, December 27, 2004

Harllel Jones May Replace Mfume at NAACP

Following the ouster of NAACP President Kweisi Mfume by Chairman Julian Bond, rumors are spreading that Harllel Jones, former leader of Afro Set, is on the short list of possible new Presidents.

"Harllel Jones, once known as Harllel X, embodies the strength and dedication that we need in these times of great trial," Bond said at a recent NAACP meeting. "As leader of Afro Set, he helped to eliminate enemies of the Revolution.

"For instance, in Cleveland and Cincinnati in the late 60s and early 70s, some African Americans that did not believe in the Revolution started their own small mom and pop businesses. Can you believe that? Owning stores! As if they were white people!

"Harllel X put them in their place. If they did not pay the tax for the Revolution, he parked prostitutes and drug dealers in front of their shops, so everyone could see 'look at these poor people, this shop owner refuses to help them.' Other 'tuned in' black people would then avoid the businesses until they paid up.

"Afro Set is also responsible for beheading dozens of black people who were against us, whether they owned stores, or were pigs, didn't want to kill for the Revolution, or were simply too light skinned. That is how far Harllel Jones is willing to go, he is willing to do what must be done to collaborators during war.

"That is why we gave him an award in the 90s, and why I believe he should be the next president of the NAACP. Ohio was supposed to give Kerry the victory, but more African Americans voted for Bush in 2004 than in 2000. We must reverse that trend, and Harllel is the one to do it. He once purged Ohio of dozens of self-hating blacks, he can do it again."