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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Italians Beef Up Kidnapping Insurance

All across Italy, businesses, especially those in the media, are beefing up their anti-kidnapping insurance, due to a recent increase in kidnapping of Italian journalists.

"I don't understand why they keep kidnapping us and demanding ransoms," said Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, "10 Italian journalists have been kidnapped in the past year, much more than American or any other journalist. Each time we pay the ransom, but they keep coming after us.

"Is this how France felt after paying off the Vikings, only to have more come? Damn Vikings. These people don't know how to play the game. You kidnap someone, we pay you, then that's supposed to be the end of it. You don't go kidnap someone else, that is crazy."

"We have had to raise premiums dramatically," said Saul Solomon, president of General Developing Nation Insurance, "thank God Italy doesn't do much business in Central America. Do you have any idea how much ransom we'd have to pay out.? Next time, our contracts are going to say clients at least have to try to negotiate."

France and Spain have joined Italy in sponsoring a kidnapping tutoring school, where they will teach how to effectively kidnap someone. This is in order to minimize casualties, of course, since orderly and professional kidnappers are less likely to make mistakes that would result in someone dying. They also plan to teach insurgents the gentleman's agreement that governs kidnapping, such as, you only kidnap someone once from the same country, and you only ask for a reasonable amount of money, and finally, that you promise to only spend the money on the poor, or heroin, but not on weapons.