Michael Moore Not Giving Back OscarMichael Moore announced today that he is not giving back his Academy Award for Bowling For Columbine in the documentary category, despite growing evidence that it was a mockumentary, not a documentary.
"Moore has done us all a great disservice," said Heimy Whiney, President of the Documentarian Society of America (DSA). "In all three of his movies, he presented partial truths and outright lies, and pretended it was a documentary, and all true.
"We have nothing against one sided documentaries, but they have to present the truth. Hell, I hate George Bush too, so do all enlightened people, duh! But if I lie in order to convince you that Bush lied, how do you know Bush really lied?
"He broke the Documentarian's Code."
"The Documentarian's Code binds us together," said George Blunt, Secretary General of DSA, "it unifies us, guides us. Without it, we are no different than any other movie maker. For a Documentarian to break the Code is the worst offense, since we can no longer trust anything he says. Whosover breaks the Documentarian's Code must suffer the worst punishment we can meet out: he shall be stripped of his camera and forced to eat salad, with diet dressing.
We spent some time trying to track down Moore. After our last interview regarding the giant turd boulder, he stopped going to his usual haunts, such as In N Out Burger, 7-Eleven, Wiener Factory, and even Hot Dog On A Stick.
Thanks to one of our sources we found his home. Knowing he would not talk to us, we began our converstation on the intercom at his driveway gate:
EOTB: Hi Michael Moore? This is Markos Zúniga, of Daily Kos? What up dog? Wanna blow some bile about the chimp?
MM: Kos? No shit dude, come in, I'm just injecting some hot dogs intrevenously. I'll buzz you in.
[we come in and confront him]
MM: Hey, you aren't Kos! What is this, you just break in?
EOTB: No, you let us in. We want to talk to you about Bowling For Columbine.
MM: Get the hell out, what kind of journalists are you? You can't just ambush people!
[after several hours of grilling, and withholding hot dogs until he talked, we got the following confession]
MM: All right, all right I lied, are you happy? The NRA was not started by Klan members, it was started by Union officers. Their earliest platforms were to protect black people's right to own guns, because back then black people needed guns to protect them from getting lynched, and the Democrats wanted to take that right away because they thought the blacks would "rise up." But that is not exciting or interesting. Can I have my hot dogs back?
EOTB: Not yet, tell us more.
MM: Fine, jerks!
That bank in Michigan actually doesn't give the guns away at the bank, you had to pick them up at a gun store four hours away after a background check. I asked them to let me film it inside and just made it look like they gave them out at the bank! But they only did that for me because I called two months before and they wanted to be in a movie. So when I say it happened exactly like that, technically I'm not lying, see my genius?
And fine! We never gave money to the Taliban, ok? I lied about that too! And we didn't abandon Afghanistan after their war with Russia, but gave lots of humanitarian aid. We only stopped once the Taliban started taking over.
There! Are you happy? Damn you!
How dare you come in here and make me tell the truth! Don't you know the truth isn't important? It's the emotional truth that is important.
Don't you get it? If I lie it doesn't matter. Bush lied to you, how can you not get that?
That is what matters, not if I lie! There is a higher standard for the president, you should be more worried about his lies.
EOTB: What did he lie about? Are you referring to the Nigerian documents? Can you offer proof the President knowingly lied? And even that that was the reason we went war?
MM: Of course we cannot prove he lied, we just know he did, that is all that is important. It's a conspiracy, don't you know? Of course those documents were not the reason we went to war, but we need to keep saying it was. Remember it's the emotional truth that is important, not the real truth on the surface.
He and his neocon cronies are too good at lying, that is why we are forced to lie! All our arguments about his lies are lies, sure, but that doesn't mean he didn't lie too!
Are you happy now? You jerk.
Just one thing, Please, please don't tell the Documentarian Society of America. They'll make me eat salad!
After awhile, not being able to stand seeing a grown man cry, we had mercy and gave him his hot dogs back. He also asked us to publish his entire interview without "cutting or editing it together out of order, even though that's perfectly valid journalism which is why I do it," which we agreed to not do.