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Articles for this week's Archive

Don't Apologize - Kill Them
The Darkies Are Better Off Without Freedom
The Week In Pictures 10
Men's Groups Angry With IKEA
Those Who Like Sausage ...
More About Us
The Importance of Diversity
Democracy Now! Changes Name To Democracy Later!

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Don't Apologize - Kill Them

Across Iraq there were protests following the massive terrorist attack by Jordanian terrorists. Many Iraqis protesting called in radio stations and newspapers with messages for President Bush. The main message was "don't apologize to us for our deaths. Instead, kill the terrorists."

"This is horrible, absolutely horrible," said journalist Giuliana Sgrena of Il-Manifesto. "Don't these people realize that Bush is the problem, not the insurgents? If Bush did not invade, just left Saddam in power so France and Germany could get cheap oil, then there would be no terrorist attacks. In fact, only a few thousand people a year would die in Saddam's prisons, unlike the gazillions that have died since Bush's war of aggression.

"This is just like the refugees of Fallujah, who would not listen to me when I told them the American Marines were massacring their people. They tried to enforce their view of the truth on me, that the insurgents were killing them all. Just because the refugees were there they think they know what was going on? They think they can tell me what happened? And after everything I've done for them too, trying to keep Uncie Saddam in power to protect them."

"Two wrongs don't make a right," said Sen. Ted Kennedy in a joint press conference with Sen. John Kerry, "we can't just kill terrorists because they killed. The only reason they turn to violence is because of our evil Crusade to impose Western culture on the world. Values like allowing women to vote, or allowing people to own their own farms and property. Or giving people in the third world jobs making goods for us, when they would have no jobs otherwise."

Sen. Kerry added "The fact that the Iraqi people want revenge against the terrorists is proof our evil has corrupted them. Revenge, killing, death, those are actions of Americans, not Muslims. This should be enough to convince us that we need the French, Spanish, and Italians to come take over to give the new government legitimacy and to guide the Iraqi people in a path away from violence. Because the Europeans know how to deal with terrorism, they've had terrorism for 50 years and it hasn't gone away yet. They know how to listen, and put lives first, like the lives of hostages. They don't put the 'potential' lives of people that might be kidnapped first, like our Jew controlled FBI does."

Introspection Now!, a group of musicians organized by Green Day, is heading to Iraq to teach the people there that violence is not the answer. "If I could teach them only one thing," said Billie Joe Armstrong, "it will be that it takes two to make an argument. If I have a problem with you, then in reality, I have a problem with myself. I am the problem. What is the problem in Iraq? No one is listening to the people that care the most about the Iraqi people - Al Zarqawi. He and other insurgents like him are the only ones standing up to the American Imperialist oil machine. The Iraqi people are ignoring him out of their own ignorance and prejudice against Muslims. So you see? They are the problem. If I can teach that if you are going to blame someone, blame yourself first, then I have done my duty."

Friday, March 18, 2005

The Darkies Are Better Off Without Freedom

with thanks to Robert Fisk for helping with this article

Georgia and all the other former Communist states confront a nightmare today. Communism collapsed over 10 years ago, Russia is slowly pulling out it's military forces. To the outside world, this may seem a victory devoutly to be wished. But they are wrong.

Ever since the collapse of Communism one thing has clearly happened: rampant ethnic hatred had been allowed to flare up. There have been arguments, fighting, and even deaths, as people take out their righteous anger against the Jews, or not so righteous anger against other ethnic groups.

Why is this happening? It is simple, without the iron hand of Communism to control them, the people simply cannot handle their freedom. It is not just in Georgia, but in the former Yugoslavia, Checnya, and others. There are no strong stable governments to keep the people in check in this former dark corner of the Soviet Empire. Natural ethnic divisions were ignored and lines were drawn haphazardly on maps without any thought to why one group voraciously hates another living next door.

Forget Lebanon, they are screwed, we can't help them. Syria has left them to fend for themselves, to be free to no only love to but hate each other; and maybe even fight in such wonderful tourist attractions as Beirut. But the Eastern Europeans - they still have a chance.

Now we must ask ourselves, are the People of Eastern Europe really better off? How swiftly a Eastern European country which had become a bedrock of financial stability and security can fall into the abyss. People are no longer guaranteed food or jobs. Anger, hopelessness, and violence may lurk around the next corner. Is that what we want? Is that what we've waged the Cold War for? So that criminals can do bad things in Eastern Europe? Or so that neighbors may get in fights or even kill each other?

Sure they have a free press now. But some are using their freedom to remember old hatreds, and inflame the populace. Is that better? Is that what freedom is for, to speak whatever is on your mind?

Bring back the Communists, let them take control, to give order and peace to people again. For peace is all anyone really wants. What good is freedom or democracy if you don't have peace? Obviously that is more important.

Democracy Indeed.

The Week In Pictures 10

Mr. Heat Miser has branched out into French telecommunications.

The new show Fox Force Six has problems besides the name.

As part of escape and evasion training, foreign police about to go to Iraq practice being sexually assaulted.

"Oooh.. next time I meet Fox gotta lay off the beans and rice."

After shilling for Democrats to try to block drilling in Alaska, polar bears sulk when they don't get the Coke they were promised.

Dog remakes of popular movies have become popular among children. Seen here is Fluffy starring in Silkwood - K9 Power.

Models being thrown out on the street is becoming an increasing problem. But to have people gawk at you as you leave is just humiliating.

"I hate it when I get squirrels caught in there!"

Bat Masterson's great granddaughter is the fastest gun in New York City.

Other golfers feel the pain of the loser in No Holds Barred Ultimate Golf.

This Mid-East scholar has found the elusive Sixth Pillar of Islam.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Men's Groups Angry With IKEA

IKEA has been in trouble in the news lately for sex discrimination. It seems someone noticed that all of their instruction sheets only show pictures of men building their furniture. No women are shown participating except by holding pre-fab pieces for the men. This has caused outrage among many groups.

"We have spent a long time convincing our wives we're no good around the house," said Bob Farley, of Take Back Our Families, "Whenever our wives ask us to work on something, we either have swearing fits, or we break it, or pretend we can't figure out the instructions. Eventually, our wives have our children do it for us, or else they do it. My wife has not asked me to help around the house in nine years. We have spent a long time cultivating this stereotype that we are helpless around the house, and now IKEA is ruining it for us.

"If our wives find out we are actually capable of building IKEA furniture, and have been lying to them all this time, not only will we have to start doing chores on Sundays instead of watching football, but we will be in trouble. They will put us in the doghouse ...

"But first they'll make us build it."

IKEA has indicated it only shows men because it fears backlash by Muslim men who may be offended by stick drawings of women building furniture. Some Muslim groups are angry at the stereotype of Muslim men, and say they are not all misogynists.

Others, such as Saleem AbdAllah from Malmø, Sweden, say "I always make my wife build furniture, or work on the car. Do you think I would do that myself? I don't see what the big deal is."

Those Who Like Sausage ...

Open: Back of butcher shop. Tony grinding up a person, Vinny behind him.

Vinny: Tony, you stupid patzi. I can't believe you whacked a made guy!

Tony: It wasn't my fault, Vinny! I said I was sorry

Bell rings

Vinny: Who is dat? Tony, did you not lock the front door like I asked yous to?

Tony: I thought you were gonna do it.

Vinny: Tony, you stupid screwup. Hold on while I take care of the customer.

Goes to front. Grinder gets louder, stuck on bones, etc. making Vinny nervous.

Vinny: Hey, the butcher, he's gone. We're closed.

Customer #1: Can I just have some pastrami? It's right there.

Vinny: Fine.

Vinny slices weighs and packages pastrami and gives it to customer while they continue talking.

Customer #1: (looking at bin in back of counter) Wow, that's a lot of sausage.

Vinny: Yeah, uh ... a special customer called, he uh ... he really likes sausage. Know what I'm saying? He's German, yeah. Now get outta here.

Customer #1: What do I owe you?

Vinny: It's free, now scram!

Customer #1: Thanks. (to self) he doesn't have to be so rude.

exit customer. Vinny goes to back room

Vinny: How's it comin

Bell rings

Vinny: Hold on I gotta take care of dis customer

goes to front, british guy there

Customer #2: Where have you been, my good man? I've been waiting for yonks. I'll take some of those wee sausages. Your sausages are really the dog's bollocks, did you know. What a minute - what is that?

Vinny: What is what?

Customer #2 walks around to back of counter to look in back room, while Vinny first tries to block him, then gives up and positions himself behind customer.

Customer #2: I think I see a person back there. Yes, yes he's grinding up a person! Quickly! Call the bobbies!

Vinny takes sap out of back pocket and whacks customer on head. customer falls. Vinny drags customer to back room.

Vinny: I gotta another one ta get rid of for ya.

Tony: Aw Vinny, come on!

Vinny give him the look of death

Tony: ok

Bell rings

Vinny: What the hell? Hold on.

Walks to front

Vinny: Can I help yous?

Customer #3: Yes, I was eating breakfast and found this belt buckle in my sausage, see?

Vinny walks around to front of counter

Vinny: Let me see that... oh crap, we mixed up the sausages!

Customer #3: wha?-

Vinny whacks him over back of head, drags him to back room

Vinny: Tony, you idiot, you're not taking the clothes off first

Tony: So what?

Vinny: So what? So you're dulling the blades, that's so what! Now take off their clothes!

Tony: Hey, you can't boss me. I'm smart! I can do things I -

Vinny give him the look of death

Tony: ok

Tony starts taking off clothes of dead bodies. Bell rings. Vinny goes to front. There are 3 people, and more piling in.

Customer #4: I heard you're giving away free meat today?

People in crowd yell various things , like:
Crowd: Yeah!

Crowd: Free sausage!

Vinny: Hold on, there's no free meat. That was for dat one customer only. Now get the hells outta here.

Crowd: You can't do that!

Someone in crowd: Look behind the counter! There's a whole tub of sausage!

Crowd: Let's take it!

Crowd: Yeah!

crowd overwhelms vinny, takes sausage out, runs out of shop, yelling "Free sausage for everyone!" etc

Vinny goes to back room

Vinny: Um, I tink we should go now.

Tony: But I'm not done

Vinny: No, now would be a good time.

exit all

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

More About Us

The attack of the flying Book Memes

We were passed this survey by Phin of Phin's Blog.

We here at Eyes On The Ball do not like to post about who we really may be, since there are crazy wackos out there, like Risa Brye (not her real name), the girl this post and this post were both based on, who we are physically afraid of and we might need a restraining order against. Think Mara from the Shield (but with x3 weight, x10 sense of entitlement, x100 insanity), and is part of the Chicago improv community.

However, we will take a chance on you, our gentle readers.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
The Book Of Flame Retardant Samples.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?
Minmae from Robotech, and Princess from Battle of the Planets. Not books I know but I don't have an active enough imagination. I can barely stand fiction, I prefer non-fiction and get my fiction fix from faster media.

The last book you bought is?
I bought a bunch from Amazon at once, they are:
The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. I read Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors which turned me on to this book. Pretty amazing how closely much animal behavior parallels humans, like xenophobia and even homophobia!
When I say No, I feel guilty
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Positive Dog Training I read this stuff but I still let Pluto stay in charge.
Stealing Elections by John Fund. Details the election fraud we have caught so far, such as recently in Milwaukee and Seattle. Surprise, most outright fraud is committed by Democrats.
Anti-Americanism by John Francois Revell. He has many examples of how the French press and government (as well as most of western europe) has hated America for 50 years, and it has nothing to do with any particular administration.
A Brief History of Time: the updated 10th anniversary edition I am into cosmology and astronomy.

The last book you read?
Rogue Warrior By Richard Marcinko. It is amazing how many stupid people put fears of negative press ahead of the lives of US men in uniform.

What are you currently reading?
Runelords book one by David Farland. Not the greatest fantasy, but it is pretty interesting. Your "magic power" is donated to you by vassals, for instance, people donate their strength, eyesight, voice, etc. They lose it and you gain it. You then have to protect these people because if they die you lose your power. Good people will take less enhancements since it's bad for the giver. Bad guys take more and extort them from people. What's even better? There's only three books, not 19.

Next book is The Lance Thrower, book eight of The Camulod Chronicles which is an awesome series on King Arthur as a real person, plus loads of history on the fall of the Roman Empire.

Five books I would take to a deserted island.
These are pretty self explanatory, I am totally serious. Screw that enlightenment crap, I want to live and get off the damn island.
The SAS Survival Handbook
The SAS Mental Endurance Handbook
Tom Brown's Guide to Wild Edible and Medicinal Plants
The Science And Art of Tracking
The Bible with both Protestant and Catholic books plus annotations, just to cover my butt.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?
Mars because I know him in real life and it would be interesting to get perspective on something from someone who is not a conservative-home-protection-device-lover, and figured well I don't know I would bug him.

I'll think of someone else soon I gotta get some work done around here!


Rello, Pluto here. I ram roing roo answer rese restions too!

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Ra book of retting ra hell rout of rere!

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?

The last book you bought is?
Roggies ron't ruse money.

The last book you read?
I rannot read rooks, silly! But I rike eating rem. Ra rast rook I rate ras A Matter of Character: Inside the White House of George W. Bush. I riv it four srars, rit ras rummy.

What are you currently reading?
Shhh.. don't tell my raddy, rut I round out I could reat a riddle rit of each rook at a rime and he ron't notice.

Five books I would take to a deserted island.
I rould rake the rollowing, rut I need my raddy to raminate rem first:
Cook the wild bird: An erudite treatise on the joy of hunting, cooking, and eating game birds. I rould skip the cooking part. Ry ruin a bird by rooking it?
The Ultimate Guide to Small Game and Varmint Hunting: How to Hunt Squirrels, Rabbits, Hares, Woodchucks, Coyotes, Foxes and More ra rorld is full rov many rummy ranimals!
Squirrel Dog Basics: A Guide to Hunting Squirrels With Dogs I racktice revery day in ra park ren I go for ralks rit my raddy.
Field Guide: Dog First Aid Emergency Care for the Hunting, Working, and Outdoor Dog (Field Guide) Ris one's for my raddy.
Hunting Dogs: A Photographic Tribute
For ra rarticles! Rey! Are roo raking run of me? Grrrrr!

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?
Ferdinand recause my raddy met Rerdirand's pet Ruce rover ra reekend ror rinks rit Riowarawk.

Reau if you rask me, cats rar for eating, not ralking roo. Ret in my relly! Grrrrr!

The Importance of Diversity

And Not Forcing Freedom And Democracy On Others

We now bring you to this speech in progress


Hence, I assert, that diversity is the principle that underlies good systems of government. Uniformity, one man's assertion that all the world must have the same system of "democratic" government, would destroy personal liberty and personal freedom. Diversity is the greatest safeguard to securing rights for all.

(enter aide)


Senator Douglas!


We cannot force freedom on people, as though we know what's best for them -


Senator Douglas!


Wha-? What is it? Why are you interrupting my speech?


Your debate with Abraham Lincoln is not until tomorrow


What's the date?


July 8, 1868


Oh ... That would explain why he is not here...


Do you want to grab some beers?-




Monday, March 14, 2005

Democracy Now! Changes Name To Democracy Later!

In a stunning move, Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman announced that the revered media organization featured on NPR will be changing its name to better reflect its values.

"We realized that Democracy right now is unrealistic," she told us in an interview, "Change is a long drawn out process that can't be forced. Societies must change gradually, even if that means people now live under despotism, their great grandchildren will thank us for not trying to make their leaders change faster.

"Now that America is running around the world killing people, it will take even longer.

"But what do we expect? America's own roots are in violence. Can you believe, they had this thing they call the Revolutionary War. This small cabal of Jews started killing Englishmen for no reason. They said it was because they wanted 'democracy.' How can you start a democracy amid violence? That is no way to make change. England already had a Parliament and had a representative government, so what was the big deal? Some people in the Colonies, called the Tories, did not even want freedom from England. Yet they were ignored. You can't force democracy on people, but they did. And look at the horror the US has visited on the world since.

"In other cases, like Germany, the US had an occupying army forcing them to be democratic as like a little copy of the US. There were German insurgents, the Werewolves, who fought against the US occupation for German freedom, just like in Iraq. They killed thousands of US Servicemen, and even more German collaborators. The Germans did not want us there, yet we stayed. And look at the consequences of US policy in Germany. Are they really better off? Yet again, using force to make democratic change resulted in things getting worse, not better.

"The same goes for Japan, for South Korea, etc. Look at them now and tell me how to justify our interference in those countries?

"We are pro-Democracy. We just do not believe democracy can be spread by force. Tyrants and Dictators will give up their power to the people if you only are patient and ask them nicely enough times. To say that more people were already dying under Saddam than died in the unjust war is like saying the ends justifies the means. Sure people were dying in Iraq already, but that doesn't mean they wanted to be free.

"Most of the world is full of darkies who have never had freedom and don't understand it. They don't even want to be free, so who are we to force it on them? As the great John Douglas once said, diversity is the basis of enlightened society. That is why France was on the verge of sending troops to help the South in the US Civil War before it ended. Because diversity demanded that their way of life not be judged. And liberty demanded that people in the South should be able to do what they want.

"Sure, not liberty for the blacks, but the slaves were not begging for freedom, not begging to be thrown into the sink or swim piranha tank of capitalism. They were taken care of by their masters. Look at race relations in America since we forced freedom on the black people. Are they better off? Surely we should have waited and let them have freedom only when the slaves actually asked for it.

"Someday the whole world will be democratic and free. But not until we stop trying to 'save' people. Not until we stop fighting evil and try to understand it and make it feel better. Because it takes two to have an argument. If we stopped arguing, evil will get bored and leave."