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Thursday, January 06, 2005

Yanukovich Contratulates Gregoire

Losing Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yanukovich called Washington State's governor-elect Christine Gregoire to congratulate her on her victory.

"I told her how vee all look up to her," he told us in an interview on his private jet on the way to Seattle. "Vee made a big mistake in my campaign. I hire consultants from Cicero, Illinois. They send me thugs that beat up voters for my opponent, Viktor Yushchenko. That proved to be very unwise move. Not elegant solution to make sure election turns out way it should.

"I really liked her use of lawyers to throw out election law. Also, when she was behind in votes, claiming voting irregularities, playing to fears of mud people. And now she is ahead in votes, asserting there are no irregularities. Brilliance, sheer brilliance.

"I only wish I had her subtlety. My ham hands in physically assault on voters did not pay off. I forgot this is internet age, every idiot has camcorder. I should have used lawyers to fight, like Gregoire, not fists. I go to Washington, Gregoire has invited me to assist her. One of first things I do when I get to Washington is outlaw camcorders. And also blogs, especially blogs. In old country, vee have vays of dealing with media. They know to stay in line, not to get too, how do you say, uppity.

"However, now she has a different fight on her hands, the time for subtlety is over. She has to get Republicans to shut up. Even some Democrats need to shut up. That is where I come in. With my Russian Legitimate Businessmen Club friends, we help Gregoire clean up Seattle politics. Make sure no one interferes with running of state. I will be lieutenant governor. Yes I know, she has not said so, but I will make offer she cannot refuse.

"I have much to learn from American politicians, how to fool people instead of beating them. When I go back to Ukraine, I will rule with iron fist, and people will accept me and love it. Democracy is beautiful, no?"