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Sunday, January 02, 2005

Red Cross: Green Day is Torture

The Red Cross and ACLU teamed up last week to declare that forcing people to listen to music was torture.

"We really are against forcing people to listen to rock and roll music," said Larry Wimperson, VP of Human Rights Monitoring at the Red Cross. "Rock music is simply another form of American hegemony. To force someone to listen to it, as our forces are forcing them to listen to it at Guantanimo Bay, is a form of torture, and a real mean one at that.

"Why should Muslims and other non white people have to listen to American music? That is so typically American, always thinking our culture, our 'democracy,' our 'rule of law,' is the best. And then we force our prisoners to even listen to our music."

"The sinister part is that Bush approved this," said Sally Weezel of the ACLU, "This is a particularly inhuman form of torture, not only were Muslims forced to listen to America-centric music, but they were kept up late and not allowed to sleep, we assume at some sort of rock and roll coke party.

"At first we sued to spare the Muslim fighters from this. But then we realized the problem ran deeper. Therefore, we have expanded our lawsuit against the US government, and are now suing to have rock music made illegal all over the world."

"Whatever happened to easy listening?" Wimperson said. "Elton John, Chicago, those were the great bands we need to go back to. Bands such as Green Day really have to be stopped. Green Day was afraid to burn the American flag because they thought they'd get in trouble. They didn't know it's not illegal. If you ask me, everyone should burn the flag, the US is the stingiest, most selfish country in the world."

Johnny Ramone once said "Green Day? Why are they green? What are they jealous of? Do they wish they were as hardcore as they pretend to be? Or do they just wish they were men?"

"I really wish you wouldn't quote the Ramones," Weezel told us, "they may have been truer punks than Green Day, but they were also closet Republicans. They thought it was funny, to be so non-conformist that they didn't conform to the non-conformists. But really, it just got them put on our Banned in the USA list.

"These pop boy bands that are pretending to be punks, like Green Day, 311, Alien Ant Farm, Limp Bizkit, all just need to shut up and go back to work at Taco Bell. First of all, everyone knows you're a bunch of pussies that are all talk and no action. Poou widdle Gween Day, wah woo afwaid woo'd get in twouble? To subject more Americans to your brand of sonic torture would be against the Geneva Convention.

"That's what I'd like to say to them. And I would say it even if Fred Durst was here, since he wouldn't fight me. I mean, when you are too afraid to take on a guy that will turn the other cheek every time you hit him, you know you are a pussy.

"A society is judged by how it treats it's minorities. That is why freedom from being offended must trump freedom of speech. Besides, technically the Constitution says 'freedom of the press', not freedom of 'speech,' not freedom for little punk-ass bitches that think they are 'alternative' musicians. And by 'punks,' we don't mean the cool kind. And by 'press,' the Constitution means CNN, ABC, CBS, and NBC. It does not mean FOX, nor the average American, nor your pathetic little blog.

"FOX does not count as being part of the press since they are biased, unlike the so-called 'liberal' media. The only reason anyone would accuse someone of bias is if they are biased themselves. That is why we are assisting to take FOX's FCC license away. The networks need to get back hegemony over the news if the people's right to the truth is to be protected. Competition only encourages cheating and shouldn't be allowed.

"Freedom isn't free, it comes with responsibility. You can't just say what you want.

"Unless it's about how much Green Day sucks."