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Articles for this week's Archive

The Week In Pictures 7
Republican Lawmaker Threatens Democrat with Rough Sex
Who the hell do bloggers think they are?
Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius
Green Party Rejects Calls For Tourism
SUV Owner Gets What He Deserves

Friday, February 25, 2005

The Week In Pictures 7

In an effort to reach out to young, non-Cuban hispanic voters, Jeb Bush launches his new narcocorrido rap career (h/t Cadet Happy)

Waddling out of an all day meeting this week in Thailand, Trump mentions that spicy Thai food always burns you in the end.

As part of new job training for trades such as plumbing, the ever more important butt-crack inspector is in high demand

The Queen did not go to her son's civil wedding ceremony, stating "That is what he left Diana for?"

At an anti-war demonstration, Ralph Nader speaks on the perils of Democracy run amok.

Citizens of Batislava also protest against war, seeking the Iron Curtain to be restored to blanket their land.

The Jimmy Carter warship gets off to an inauspicious start.

When we said the Jimmy Carter warship is dedicated to attacking poverty, we didn't mean it so literally.

Indonesians finally decide that next time tents will be a hell of a lot easier to replace.

Thai people also take steps to make sure floods never threaten them, by lighting everything on fire.

When Annan welcomed Negroponte, he said "We'd like to welcome - wait, you're a Jew? Are you kidding me? I thought Bush wanted to make the Europeans happy."

Yes, Oprah is the small one.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Republican Lawmaker Threatens Democrat with Rough Sex

A startling new development occurred today in the case unraveling the web of lies surrounding Guckert/Gannon and his gay prostitution network. One congressman, who appears now to be a client of Guckert, let the ball drop on the House floor this morning.

Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs angry with Rep. Val Vigil, D-Thornton for calling him "a piece of garbage" retorted with "I'll ram my fist up your ass!"

Colleagues in the House were at first floored by Cadman's vulgar threat, until we did some digging and penetrating the dense, dark forest of lies surrounding Cadman. It turns out last week he was reported to have been waddling as though he was saddle sore. He told us he had gone horseback riding in his native Colorado, but we could not reach anyone at his ranch for confirmation when we called on the President's Day holiday.

In Congress, Cadman was well known for being a fence sitter, and was not sure which side he wanted to play on. Slipping and sliding through the mud of deception, we also found out someone in the White House had called Cadman a total of one time in the past month. No one in the administration has come forward to say it was not Karl Rove.

But then the milky white truth doing the body politic good poured over our faces, and the dark chocolate of deception was wiped from our eyes, and we connected the dots: Karl Rove was blackmailing Cadman into voting yes on Bush's Social Security reform. How? Because he set Cadman up with Guckert/Gannon in a bizarre drug induced homosexual tryst, and had pictures of them together.

We have seen some of these pictures, and they are disgusting. Both men can clearly be seen in the same room during press conferences. Other pictures exist of them both in the same room as Karl Rove, though conspicuously never at the same time. What other devious plans does Rove have cooked up?

"We have to uncover these gay porn schemes," said Howard Dean, "because of the hypocrisy. Imagine a Republican enjoying gay sex? Can you imagine it? Come on, try. That's it, yes you've got it. Imagine the hypocrisy, it is a Republican for Chris'sakes! That's like a conservative giving money to help the poor! Their lies must be exposed! Thank God we aren't like that, you won't hear Democrats calling Powell a 'house n****r', or Condi Rice an 'Aunt Jemima', or saying things like 'I hate Republicans and everything they stand for.' We don't hate, we're not like them."

"It almost came down to fisticuffs," said Rep. Jim Costa, D-Fresno, CA. "I've seen fights like this in movies, but never in real life. I am a 'newcommer' to the House, so I am not always privy to these back door deals."

This is the first case uncovered of a Gay prostitution network connecting a lawmaker with Guckert/Gannon. However, when interviewing Cadman, it seemed Rove's plan backfired, and Cadman turned out to enjoy his newfound notoriety a little too much.

Cadman also predicted a Republican landslide victory voting on the bill they were discussing, and said to Vigil "I will give it to you so rough you will bleed. You will choke on Republican truth." His comments were not limited to Vigil, but also included his family, who is involved in local politics back in Colorado, when he said "Yeah, you'll take the cold hard truth rough, just like your mother likes it." Later Cadman appeared to apologize, offering to take him out for coffee and dessert, telling Vigil "don't worry, you will soon be choking down so much fudge you won't know what to do."

Who the hell do bloggers think they are?

Recently at IMAO a questionnaire was posted regarding bloggers. As part of the vast left wing conspiracy to destroy Karl Rove's secret government that is running the world, our senior editor Pluto's Dad has answered the questions to the best of our ability. Below are our answers. Other's answers can be found at IMAO.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
No one, I'm sorry I said anything, can I go now?

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I write computer programs and am surrounded by Indians (the kind from India, who are all Hindu). I enjoy spicy Indian food while working with Indians. They tell me all Pakistanis and Muslims are crazy. They are not white so they must know what they are talking about.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
My blog is called “Eyes On The Ball News,” meaning it is a news blog, so I guess that makes me a journalist. Hey, does that mean I can stop putting sources in my articles now?

4. Do you even read newspapers?
What is this "paper"?

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
I enjoy the Money Honey Maria Bartiromo, and CNN's Robin Meade, who was stolen from us from NBC Chicago 2 years ago. Now we only have that slut Michelle Leigh from Fox weather. I enjoy more distinguished women journalists like Maria and Robin. But I only enjoy them a few minutes at a time then I am finished.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
What is this "radio"? Is it like "XM" or "IM"?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
What is this "fax"? Why are you bandying about these old tech terms? I have no idea what you're talking about.
All my correspondence and typing is done on my Treo650. So... please rephrase your questions to be about that.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
I am non confrontational. I do not like confrontation. I have found the best way to not have confrontation is to silence any that disagree with me. Usually this involves double taps to the back of the head (you don’t expect me to stand in front, do you?) Silencers also help me get away quickly.

Oh wait, “fire”, I thought you said “fire at."

Well, I never really lit anyone on fire before. It sounds messy.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
No passport. I see other countries on TV, like England, Australia, Ireland, and New Zealand. You mean those?

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I went to Little America (Canada) once when I was a kid visiting my relatives who live in the U.P. They told me Canada was a penal colony for cowards who will not fight, which is why they speak French up there.

I have also been to East Texas, that is like another country. They have house-boat people there. And banjos.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
I am too fat from all the bratwurst and beer that I consume daily. Oh yes and Nutter Butters. I find nutter butters to be a convenient source of calories while trying to enslave the universe as leader of the Sith, or failing that, setting my sites lower and merely trying to take over Vice City.

Plus, I prefer to send the poor and black people to do my fighting for me.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
Yes my girlfriend likes to ... oh face? I thought you said "feces".

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
See last question.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
Pluto's Dad, daddy to Pluto (Esp. on Valentines day) Here are some pictures of Pluto.

Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius

Karl Rove is perhaps the most powerful man in America. We have uncovered many of his conspiracies. And what we found out, is that most of his fiendishly clever conspiracies are not powergrabbing for conservatives, but rather disinformation planted in liberal newspapers and media in order to embarrass them. The following are his main conpsiracies, copy and spread them around as soon as you see them, we have no idea how long this website will stay up:

  1. He forged the CBS Memogate documents, even deviously using Army acronyms instead of Air Force ones to implicate Burkett, so that Democrats look crazy and desperate. (duh like you didn't know this one)
  2. He is even the one spreading rumors that he is behind Memogate, which most Republicans think is a preposterous conspiracy theory, making Democrats look crazy and desperate. The devious fiend!
  3. Was the one who stole the Green Day master that disappeared, to make way for the new album "American Idiot", entirely written by Rove. Yet again - to make Democrats look like childish hatemongers and fruitcakes.
  4. Cuts out all the negative articles from the newspapers before Bush reads them, so Bush thinks his policies are actually working.
  5. They are actually all Rove's policies. He has hypnotic tapes he plays via headphones he secretly places over Bush's ears every night which tell him what to do the next day.
  6. Planted Gannon/Guckert, a gigalo, in the white house press corp, only to later expose him by leaking his identity to liberal journalists, so that Democrats look like hypocrites "outing" Guckert.
  7. Iraq? Hell, that country doesn't even exist! It's just a soundstage.
  8. Caused the 3 Mile Island incident, scaring people away from nuclear power so they will depend on oil. Oil: the currency of the Republicans. (He also wanted to hasten global warming, see conspiracy #10 below).
  9. Area 51? It's where he was created in a gene experiment combining Hitler (who was captured and did not actually commit suicide) with Machiavelli (they had to go back in time to get him, using Karl Rove's time machine, also stored at Area 51).
  10. Is buying up all land 50 miles inland from the coasts, so when global warming raises the sea level, he will own all the prime beachfront real estate. (Why else did you think he wants people to use fossil fuels instead of nuclear energy?)
  11. Three people you have never seen with Rove in the same place at the same time: Osama Bin Laden, Oliver Stone, Michael Moore. Think about it.
  12. Wrote the J-Lo and Marc Anthony duet, just because he enjoys torturing people.

Update 1: Some readers have asked us if Rove also put the Ram in the Ramalamadingdong, and if he wrote the book of love. Obviously he did neither, since those are positive, and Rove, like a vampire of goodness, sucks the goodness and light out of everything he touches.

Update 2: Some people have written us pointing out it would be impossible to use a time machine created by Rove to go back in time to kidnap Machiavelli to use his genes to create Rove, since Rove would not have been around yet to create the time machine. Hmph. Obviously these people don't understand temporal physics.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Green Party Rejects Calls For Tourism

After the tsunami disaster in December, South Asian countries are facing a second disaster: an economic disaster. A not widely known fact is that after natural disasters, tourism levels go down, even if the infrastructure to support it is still in place. For countries that depend on tourism, this is a second disaster after the first devastation they have already suffered.

Thailand has asked the world to come visit Thailand and spend your money there. They claim this will boost their economy and help to create jobs. Thankfully, the Green Party, USA has spoken out against this make the rich richer plan.

"The people of Thailand need charity, not menial jobs serving white people," said Elizabeth Fattah, of the Green Party USA.

This was how our day began touring the tsunami ravaged Thai island of Phuket with both Fattah and Sonyatha Khunpleum, Thai Minister of Tourism. At that point we realized it was going to be a long day.

We traveled from the shore up to what was now about half of a hotel.

"See this?" said Sonyatha, "we are rebuilding it so people will come. We Thai are a proud people, we don't want to have to depend on handouts."

"What what what what?" yelled Fattah. "Green Party! Converge!" She then whistled, and dozens of shabbily dressed greasy haired white college students smelling of hashish and body odor came swarming out of the treeline. Fattah pointed at the hotel and yelled "destroy that symbol of slavery to white Americans!"

At once her minions set upon the hotel with hammers and shovels and cries of "down with foreign aggression!" and "kill the tree killers!". Thai workers fled in terror as the hotel came crashing down around them. Almost as quickly as it started, the grungy warriors of green dissolved back into the trees.

"What have you done? Why are you doing this?" cried Sonyatha.

"No longer will your people work as slaves to the white man!" shouted Fattah. "Now your people are free. Why should they have to work at demeaning jobs when foreign aid is pouring in?"

"What? But .. the aid won't last, we need long term stab-"

"No more lies! Your conspiracy with the US to get rich off the backs of your people is over! Do you think they want to work at jobs cleaning up after Americans, begging for meager tips?"

"What - we depend on tourism. We are proud people want to come here. Our ... our .. oh nevermind, let's go to the next site."

Down the street was a textile factory that somehow survived the devastation.

"Oh thank Buddha our factory has survived. " exclaimed Sonyatha, "These jobs will really help the local -- what?"

"Destroy the sweatshop of capitalist oppression!" cried out Fattah. This time her mob of swarthy sweaty teens came carrying torches and quickly burned down the factory. Women ran screaming out of the factory, clothes on fire.

"Why have you done this?" one asked as she ran up to Fattah.

"You are free now, go in peace." she said. "Now you can live free without having to work long hours making crap for Americans."

"But how will I feed my family? How will I-"

"Shhh" Fattah placed her finger over the woman's mouth. "Don't worry. The West has tons of money to share with you."

"But what about my children's educa-"

"Shut up!" Fattah yelled and slapped the woman. "You have obviously been brainwashed. Report to the re-education tent!"


Several flannel clad young men came up behind her and dragged her screaming away.

We left and found a small village, where family patriarch Somsak Langkawi was rebuilding his home, which was little more than a hut.

"Hello" he said as we came up, with the familiar friendly smile we have come to expect from all the Thai people we have met. "Welcome to my humble home. I would invite you in, but it is not finished yet. However, we are doing well, my home is almost rebuilt."

"Why are you doing this, instead of accepting your true calling?" asked Fattah.

"Hmm?" Somsak responded. "Whatever are you speaking about? My children need a roof over their heads again - "

"Green Party! Liberate!" At her words, the valiant white teenagers again appeared out of the trees and ripped apart Somsak's home with their bare hands.

"What?" Somsak cried. "Why? My house! Stop! Stop!" He tried to interfere, grabbing some of them even though weakened and barely able to breathe due to the stench of unwashed socks. But he was pushed back. As he saw his home destroyed he began to cry.

"Do not cry," Fattah comforted him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "You have forgotten the ways of your ancestors, and were corrupted by the ways of the West with their vain furnishings that only clutter life instead of enhancing it. You don't need cd players, or plumbing, or white man's medicine. You have the jungle and all it's natural healing agents."

"But my children," he reached out towards his yet again destroyed home. "Where will they sleep?"

"Stop this at once!" Fattah yelled as she smacked him on the back of the head. "You are free now! Free to live in the jungle, hunting and gathering like the old ways. No longer will you have to suffer the distractions of modern so-called life. I envy you, you are about to return to a simple life your people enjoyed before they were corrupted by Western society. Now return to the jungle!" She pointed to the trees.

"But -"

"I said go now! No wait - take off his clothes!"

The young unwashed green warriors then stripped him of all this clothes.

"Now, see how much better that is? No longer need you feel ashamed, that is the white man's disease. Go in the jungle without shame and without clothes, hunting for your food like your ancestors."

"But I don't know how to huuuuuunnnnnt - " he cried as he was dragged away.

"He will thank me later," Fattah sighed, "actually he won't because he'll be living in harmony with nature and I'll be stuck here trying to spread the word."

"You are crazy, lady" said Sonyatha,"what do you think you're doing? You think you know -"

"To the jungle with him!"

"Nooooooo" he screamed as several kids ran up and dragged him away.

"Who will look out for these people if not us?" she asked us. "The indigenous and poor of the world are tired of being taken advantage of, tired of having American culture forced upon them .... " At this point she started eyeing our cameras, conspicuously the most advanced piece of technology around.

We decided to high tail it out of there.

Monday, February 21, 2005

SUV Owner Gets What He Deserves

On the Bay Bridge in San Fansisco, an SUV driver gets his comeuppance when he attempted to throw a cigarette out the window, but it blew back in and his vehicle burst into flames. Reportedly the back seat flamed up as soon as the cigarette hit the back seat.

"Not only did he try to litter," said Elizabeth Fattah of the Green Party USA, "but he was driving ...

"Driving an SUV. Excuse me I have to sit down a moment ... I find these deep breathing excercises help whenever I am so offended I can hardly breathe.

"OK that's better. This guy, can you belive this? Was driving ... an SUV! Of all the nerve! He was only a little burnt. In my opinion he got off easy. This should teach those nature raping bastards to drive SUVs."

Reportedly P. Diddy has been hired as the new spokesman for the Green Party's new "Drive Hybrid or Die" campaign. The Green Party hopes that if more people driving SUVs died, then demand would drop, thus saving the lives of endangered species.

"Humans are a disease, we are the cure," Fattah continued to say, "we need to return the earth to how it was before humans started changing the environment, what with their 'hunting' and 'gathering' and all - thus destroying the local animal and plant life."

In related news, Ted Red of Saleen Dye Co. announced today "we are proud to announce the release of our new Ultra Flammable fabric dye. This is twice as flammable as our previous Super Flammable dye. Great for clothes for retarded children; who, if you lived in the Netherlands, would have been mercifully euthanized. Also makes a great gift! Saleen Dye - for all your flammable dye needs."