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Articles for this week's Archive

Thanksgiving in Fallujah
Bush asks Congress to approve drilling on Titan
France is confident Iran will/won't enrich uranium
What's the matter with Kansas
2008 Campaign slogans identified

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Thanksgiving in Fallujah

As part of a cultural exchange and understanding program, Marines of the 1st Expeditionary Force celebrated Thanksgiving just outside Fallujah with refugees from the recent fighting there. During the celebration, Iraqis were asked what they were thankful for.

"I am thankful for the insurgents," said Sayed ibn Faisal, a carpenter who lost his home in the first day of fighting, "I did not realize I was against the infidel invasion, until al-Zarqawi's men came and told me they would kill me and my family if I didn't fight the Americans. Now I understand why al-Zarqawi is good for Iraq."

"I am thankful that Saddam trained these partisans during the time the U.N. was arguing over what to do," said Abdel Hadi Karbalai,"Most of us regular people were for the infidel invasion, but Papa Saddam was wise, he trained these men and hid weapons for them before the invasion. Now, thanks to their example, I know we, the people of Iraq, were wrong. We should not have supported the U.S.. We should have listened to the small minority in the Iraqi Army leading the insurgency."

Ahmed "Coco" ibn Talib, a 10 year old boy, said "The insurgents killed my dad and dumped his body in a mass grave because he wouldn't fight with them. I am thankful for that. My dad said he wanted a better life for us, but thanks to the insurgents, now I know he was just a whore for the infidel. Thank Allah he is dead now, otherwise the Quran says I would have to kill him, and he's a lot bigger than me."

A doctor that would not give his name, said "Under Saddam we had the highest infant mortality rate in the world, even worse than Africa. Now, thanks to the insurgents, we have the highest adult mortality rate as well." After a nurse interrupted us to let us know one of his patients was going to survive, he added "Now that the Americans killed so many partisans, our mortality rate might go down, we won't be number one. Thanks a lot, America."

Moayed al-Adhami, sitting next to his wife, said "I am thankful the insurgents made women put burkas back on. My wife was getting harder to control, with her crazy ideas about getting a job and driving. Even under Saddam these 'feminists' were becoming too powerful. But the insurgents brought us back to our roots. Plus, now I can get another three wives! I already have my eye on my neighbor's 13 year old daughter. But I haven't seen them since the fighting began."

Friday, November 26, 2004

Bush asks Congress to approve drilling on Titan

The recent NASA Cassini Mission to Titan discovered the moon of Saturn is rich with natural methane and oil. Fearing his Alaskan wildlife refuge drilling plan will not pass, and wasting no time in his agenda to reduce dependence on Middle Eastern oil, Bush has asked Congress to approve a large scale drilling program on Titan.

"Titan is the largest reserve of hydrocarbon based fuel ever found," the President said in a press conference this week, "with my drilling program, America will no longer need to import oil, in fact, we will be able to export it."

Dick Gephardt expressed his opposition to the plan. "I don't think the President understands how expensive it is to send astronauts even to the space station, let alone to Titan, a moon of Saturn. Besides, we need that money to give the kickbacks we promised to the AFL-CIO."

When confronted with Gephardt's accusation, Bush said "Money? Once we get that oil flowing, it will pay for itself. I'm not really worried about it, in fact, I haven't even thought about it."

Saudi Arabia is already lobbying Congress to reject Bush's plan. "This plan is ill-conceived," said Prince Bandar bin Sultan, Saudi ambassador to the U.S., "Any oil drilling on Titan must be tied to the Question of Palestine. To ignore this would destabilize the mideast. If we don't remain the largest supplier of oil, Palestinian freedom fighters would no longer have funding."

Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, and even the SETI Project have also expressed their disagreement with the plan. "Our drilling there will have catastrophic environmental consequences. Titan is covered in methane, oil, and a carbon dioxide rich atmosphere. Can you imagine the consequences of an oil spill in such an environment? We have already estimated 1.5 million species will die each day on Titan if drilling is commenced."

Greenpeace is lobbying for another bill, dubbed the Titan Cleanup Initiative, which would dispatch astronauts to clean Titan and dispose of the oil that covers the surface.

France is confident Iran will/won't enrich uranium

The recent agreement between the U.N. and Iran to secure Iran's cessation of Uranium enrichment has met with some controversy. Critics are quick to point out this is the exact same deal that was made with North Korea, and N. Korea never honored their side of the bargain.

"We are confident we will not see a repeat of that event" says French ambassador to the UN Jean-Marc de la Sabliere, "for a number of reasons. First and foremost, N. Korea had an agreement with the U.S., Iran's agreement is with France, I mean the U.N.. Obviously N. Korea would not honor an agreement with so duplicitous a partner as Bush, it would be insane. Iran has no reason to violate their agreement, since France is obviously much more honorable than the U.S." He added "Besides, we always vote the way they want in the Security Council."

When it was pointed out to the Ambassador that N. Korea violated its agreement almost immediately in the 90s, years before Bush took office, he responded "that is immaterial, they knew which way the wind was blowing."

"Also, everyone knows Kim Jong Il is crazy. The Mullahs of Iran, however, are merely misunderstood by the anti-Muslim right that controls the Western media."

When asked about how it only took 2 days for Iran to request permission to go ahead with its Uranium enrichment program, Sabliere said "You misunderstand, this is encouraging news. They are not going behind our backs to enrich uranium, instead they are telling us up front that they will violate the agreement. This way there are no secrets."

Days later, the U.N.'s agreement with Iran, which stipulates that they stop enriching uranium, was amended to allow them to enrich uranium. In return, Iran will receive monetary aid and nuclear technical expertise from France. This will continue as long as they do not violate the agreement, which states they cannot enrich uranium, which was amended so they now can enrich uranium.

What's the matter with Kansas

In his new book, "What's the matter with Kansas", Thomas Frank shows us "Why so many of us vote against our economic interests" and instead vote for Republicans.

"The Democratic Party is better for Middle America, we support programs that will help people, but then the Republicans come along with their 'values' like abortion and gay marriage, and get people all riled up to vote for them."

When asked to demonstrate some Democrat policies that are better for Middle America than the Republican policies, Frank said "The Democrats have many programs, to give farmers money, to give the poor money, to give you more health care. The Republican's policies don't involve giving money away at all. How is that in the people's economic interest? I mean, hello!"

"We're not trying to bribe people, we're better because we say 'vote for us and we'll give you money.' Well OK we're trying to bribe people. But then these Middle Americans come back and say they don't want the money! Their 'values' won't let them accept bribes. See how the Republicans have brainwashed them?"

Frank, who has pictures of Richard Daley and Sam Giancana in his office, said "The Republicans tell these people they can make it on their own. We have to stop the lies, this is the 21st Century, it should be obvious by now people cannot get ahead on their own, they need our handouts just to survive."

"Someday, hopefully, everyone in the country will be getting money from the government."

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

2008 Campaign slogans identified

Sources indicate the following new campaign slogans are going to be used as early as next week in preparation for the 2008 presidential election:

The Republican Party
Because your bootstraps are all the food, shelter, and clothing you need
Donate blood, get oil
Eventually it will trickle down, honest
SUVs for everyone!

The Democratic Party
Voted #1 by the dead every year since 1960
We'll keep your kids in public school (while ours go to private school)
Because we kept the darkies from voting in the South
We'll drag everyone else down to your level
Electric cars for everyone!

The Libertarian Party
If outsourcing labor is good, outsourcing government is even better!
Bureaurocracy? We don't need no stinkin' Bureaurocracy.
Fear will keep the local systems in line ... oh uh, nevermind.
We can't afford cars

The Green Party
Because poor in 3rd world countries don't WANT to work
Humans are a disease, we are the cure
We'll give your cat the right to vote
Bicycles for everyone!

The Reform Party
We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy
Even Jesse Ventura was too good for us
Segways for everyone!