Please Visit the new location for this site!: We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Articles for this week's Archive

The Week In Pictures 6
Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities
Top 10 Stories Dan Rather Wants to be First to Report
One Liner Headlines
We Are Changing Our Site
Today Is A Special Day
Green Day: Dangerous Rockers

Friday, February 18, 2005

The Week In Pictures 6

As a result of a blatant American imperialist attempt to corrupt the minds of young Muslims, Where's Waldo has become popular among Tsunami survivors.

President Bush shows Negroponte how he won Laura's heart: the two step.

Max Papis' secret warmup for a good time at the track: patty cake.

Dogs and their masters really do look alike.

Boy at Al-Zarqawi's school for special children attempts to head butt a ball. Said Zarqawi, "If you can bounce the ball into the cup the bomb goes off. Whoops, we mean you get a prize ... heh heh."

Bush demonstrates what it would be like for an unstoppable force to meet an immovable object, after hearing that he is "unstoppable" when it comes to getting his bills passed, and that Michael Moore is coming over.

A throng gathers around what appears to be an alien craft that has landed in Chicago, IL - a prime vacation spot for the aliens. Apparently they came looking for the Chicago stockyards - full of trapped cattle ripe for sodomizing. Unfortunately they did not account for the time delay of our radio waves reaching their planet and that maybe the stockyards would be gone by now.

To increase safety, NASA added a larger fuel tank, and the shuttle itself has been removed. It is estimated this will result in a 100% safety factor and will finally satisfy Congress.

The new eco-friendly coffin has been well received as a model of environmentally friendly engineering, in that it does not fit any existing size standard and funeral homes would need all new equipment in order to accommodate it - resulting in a large increase both in cost and energy consumption to manufacture the new equipment.

Iraqis are finally free to freestyle. Seen here is the new boy band Ashoura Six.

"I can make a bird"

Up until now, rumors that the Chinese army was using telekinesis were unfounded.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities

The new Jimmy Carter SeaWolf class nuclear attack submarine has just been commissioned. Dedicated to research as well as attack, this sub has a 100-ft extension section that allows experiments to be conducted on new undersea military technology.

Following are some of the most lauded capabilities of the Jimmy Carter Attack Sub - The First Attack Sub Dedicated To Attacking Poverty™:

  1. 100 ft extension can accommodate pre-fab house assembly plant, can assemble five complete houses per hour.
  2. New Trident House Delivery System uses GPS technology to launch houses at precise locations within centimeters. House landing system has not been perfected yet.
  3. All cruise missiles warheads, instead of carrying ordinance, carry PSYOPS mp3 player / loudspeakers. Play a selection of Christian Contemporary and Country music.
  4. Brand new MFSWGS installed (Moonshine From Salt Water Generation System) to replace fresh water generator.
  5. New PEDS (Poverty and Exploitation Detection System) equipped warheads detect factories and farms, targeting them for destruction. No longer will 3rd world people have to work at unfulfilling jobs making crap for us!
  6. 100 ft extension can house Mini-Nuclear Reactor delivery system complete with cryogenically stored reactor technicians. Useful for launching nuclear reactors at 3rd world countries for their use - in exchange for their promising not to use the reactors to create weapons. Reactor landing system also not perfected yet.
  7. If nuclear reactor goes offline, can run on peanuts.
  8. All instructions in Russian, Arabic, and English, plus 100 ft extension can house brig fitting entire crew. The most convenient sub for hostile nations to take crew hostage yet still operate boat.
  9. Torpedoes equipped with completely silent active sonar system using no sound or any type of detection system at all, ensuring marine wildlife are not affected by loud sonar pings.
  10. Engines foul up if water gets into external intakes.

The Jimmy Carter Attack Sub: Attacks poverty wherever it is found!

Top 10 Stories Dan Rather Wants to be First to Report

  1. Whether Mary Mapes is a Democrat or not
  2. Whether the "Memogate" reports were forged
  3. Can you really not stop eating Jays
  4. Was Michael Jackson inappropriate with children
  5. Does Paris Hilton really works her butt off - and if not what happened to it
  6. Do roosters really get mad when rained on
  7. Whether J-Lo and Marc Anthony's duet was any good
  8. Coke or Pepsi?
  9. Who won the 2000 Election
  10. If forcing freedom and democracy on people while under US occupation worked - for Germany

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

One Liner Headlines

Oweing to the fact that we are making changes here at Eyes On The Ball, we bring you the following headlines for which we have not had time to write articles. Please pardon our dust.

Howard Dean Says Rich "Will Only Spend Tax Cuts On Yachts"
Boat Builders Union 384 switches to Republican party

Prince Harry Wears Nazi Costume, Raises Ire of Europeans
Europeans Say We Need To Keep Our Rampant Anti-Semitism Secret

Prominent Democrat Says Diversity Most Important Virtue, Cannot Force Freedom On People
Despite Eloquent Argument, Stephen Douglas Still Loses To Abraham Lincoln

Teresa Heinz-Kerry Changes Name Back to Teresa Heinz
Says she wanted to marry a "winner," not a "whiner"

Howard Dean Makes 8 Year Old Cry
Dean said "I Hate Young Republicans Too"

Kinsey Institute Denies It Endorses Pedophilia
Only Endorses Sex With Children if Adult is Not Parent Or Teacher, Since "That Would Be Crazy"

Dog Therapy Rising In US Rehab Hospitals
Single Owners Spooned Too Tightly On Valentine's Day Night

Eyes On The Ball Makes Up These Headlines
Still Trusted More Than CBS, the "Other Eye And Ball" Network

Basil Mad Pluto's Dad Stealing Bit
Pluto's Dad Pulls "Fred Durst Defense" After Being Challenged to Charity Boxing Match

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

We Are Changing Our Site

Following are the top search engine queries used to find our site.
  1. Huge Turd
  2. Tight Leather Pants
  4. Ball Torture
  5. Fetus Soup
  6. Jill Biden
  7. Kristina Kiik
  8. Juma Juice
  9. Pluto
Obviously there is a pattern, and unfortunately we have been greatly misinformed as to the nature of our readership. We have since fired our marketing director, and are in talks with Jenna Jameson to become our new director.

We are also changing our site to better deliver to our customers what they want: scat, S&M, and young boys: in erotic positions - wearing Star Wars costumes.

We will also be starting a new vocabulary section for those who do not know scat terminology. For instance, we had always thought wrapping someone's head in plastic wrap then pooping on it was called "Murder," but we have recently learned it is called the "Hot Karl." We think this is similar to the famed "Columbian Necktie," or the new "Columbian Tire Necklace," which is not a flaming after dinner drink as we thought. Our reporters are checking it out even now and will report on which groups use the "Hot Karl." One thing we assume - it is not the Columbians.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Today Is A Special Day

Today is a special day at Eyes On The Ball. No, not because it is Valentine's day, but because it is Pluto's birthday. Pluto, pictured here, turns two years old today.

Please join us in wishing Pluto a happy birthday.

Green Day: Dangerous Rockers

Yesterday Green Day won a Grammy for Best Alternative Music Performance. In his acceptance speech, Billie Joe Armstrong shouted out "Rock can be dangerous and fun." Never were truer words spoken by a more dangerous punk rocker.

"We spray painted the word 'idiot' on a flag during a photo op," he told us in a backstage interview after the ceremony. "We were going to burn the flag, but Tre said it was, like, illegal [it is not - ed]. So we just sprayed it. That is how dangerous we are. We won't bow down to authority man, we do what we want!

"I was really disappointed in the crowd. All those other musicians are sheep, all towing the party line. Who else dares to speak up and say America is wrong? No musician or actor that I know. We thought, 'hey, if we release this people will, like, hate us. People always hate liberals who speak out, look at all the famous actors whose careers were ruined, like Martin Sheen.' But we did it anyway, because we are dangerous!

"It is hard, being the head of a revolution. All my Hollywood friends think I am crazy, they are all afraid. But not me, I have always lived life on the edge. We even swore during the show. Can you top that?

"No way am I gonna let the asshole rednecks that fill Hollywood stop us, with their 'redneck agenda.' I swear, 90% of this country is full of idiots. They are so stupid, yet think they are smart and better than everyone else. That is why I called our album 'American Idiot', so they will read it and then know that they are idiots. I just can't stand self-righteous people."

Look out America, dangerous rockers are coming to rock your world and change your minds. We here at Eyes On The Ball feel privileged to live at this time when rockers are finally throwing off the chains of conservatism and speaking their minds. Green Day, those dangerous brave soldiers, willing to throw away their careers for the truth, are speaking what we all believe but are too afraid to admit in public.

Viva La Green Day!