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Articles for this week's Archive

Chirac: U.S. hegemony interfering with French hegemony
Gay Republicans defend votes for Bush
Nice guy finishes last
Special Report: World AIDS Day Observed
French Journalists found in Fallujah
Local girl refuses to pay debt
Motorola's new phones show image of child who made phone

Friday, December 03, 2004

Chirac: U.S. hegemony interfering with French hegemony

"We must work against American Hegemony," Chirac said in an address to the European Union regarding the new E.U. constitution being finalized. "It is clear that Europe, now more than ever, has the need, the necessity, to strengthen its dynamism and unity when faced with this great world power ... That's the goal of the constitution...

"France has always been the source of high art, but now it is being swept aside by American pop culture, which is driven by money and appeals to base emotions like sex and violence. What will happen to great masterpieces like 'The Young Emmanuelle' or 'The Awakening of Annie'?

"French culture, not German, is the culture of the Enlightenment and the Renaissance and should be spread around the world. The fact that Americans can't see that proves their arrogance.

"Their companies are taking over. We are forced to spend much money propping up Airbus, and even have to bribe officials just so Airbus can compete with Boeing for contracts. We have to put so much illegal money into Airbus, I cannot believe any company can compete with us. The U.S. must be illegally helping Boeing, there is no other explanation. Their engineers and managers cannot be that good, no one gets ahead merely by hard work!

"Even worse, America is abusing their position in the U.N. security council to create violence around the world, especially in Africa. All over Africa, all the ex-British colonies are safe and stable and growing economically, yet the ex-French colonies are all in shambles, are poor, and are run by warlords with millions of people dying per year. Why? Because of American interference of course!

"We worked hard behind the scenes with Hutus in Rwanda, North African Arabs in the Sudan, and rebels in the Ivory Coast, and each time the U.S. interferes with charges of genocide. Whenever you win civil war, they call it genocide! Don't they realize sometimes you just have to fire on crowds of civilians?

"The Ivory Coast is our ex-colony, and nothing less, she still belongs to us. She's our ex till we say when, till we get her back again. The same goes for all our ex-colonies. We are still a great empire.

"And you eastern Europeans, you should learn to be quiet and do what we tell you, because we know what's best for you. Why don't people understand that they should follow the lead of France?"

Gay Republicans defend votes for Bush

The mainstream media is aghast that in the recent election Bush received 23% of the gay vote, despite his support for an amendment banning gay marriage. He also received 23% of the gay vote in the 2000 election, so his support did not dwindle. We wanted to find out why these people voted for Bush, so we sought to interview some. But first we talked to Sean Austin, spokesman for P.R.I.D.E., on the phenomenon.

"These people, like Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, and Bill Cosby, are traitors to their own people," he said, "they are rich jerks who've probably never worked a day in their lives who care only about themselves. Just who do they think they are, voting for people that hate us? The Democrats won't do anything for us, but at least they like us."

We moved on to find the gay Republicans. We first looked for the elusive "pink elephant" in what we thought was his natural habitat: America's corporate offices. But what we found is that this wiley beast can be found anywhere, even standing right next to you.

"There's more to my life than being gay," said Lance Sixpack, a dockworker, "I am a regular person just like you, are you obsessed with your heterosexuality? No of course not, it is insulting of the Left to tell me what I should think because I'm gay. We are not obsessed with sex, I have all sorts of interests and concerns, like defense, the economy - there's more to life than buns of steel ... mmm ... buns of steel ... "

"Yeah like the Democrats have done anything for us lately," said Butch Thunderthighs, a patent attorney, "Was Kerry going to let us get married? I don't think so. 70% of Oregon voted for their amendment, so obviously the Democrats voted against us as well. They just assume they're going to get our vote, well I have news for them, they have to earn it. We don't fit some stereotype the Right or the Left has of us. Now, can you zip me up? Ooh! your hands are cold - you're making my nipples hard. Touch me again."

"Who the hell wants to get married anyway?" asked Rocko Bigdipper, an award winning body builder, "I sure don't want to, I just want lots of dirty, sweaty sex. I'm so sick of shows like the American version of 'Queer as Folk' that make us look like pussies with all that love and feelings and crap. Where is the sex? Maybe the dykes want to get married, but not us - hold on check out this ass. Oh yeah, work it baby, ... yeah just like that ... uh, I've gotta go now - to the men's room - where that guy just walked in."

"I used to work at Starbucks, but I was fired," Peter Peter Petereater told us. When we asked if he was fired because he is gay, he said "no, because I'm Republican. I spoke out against their 'fair' trade policy, which punishes the poorest farmers who are simply trying to gain market share by lowering their prices, and ends up as nothing more than a government kickback scheme. I was laid off the next day for comping drinks. I've never comped a drink in my life! That bitch dyke manager sold me out. Apparently I'm not gay enough. Well, I was a gymnast in high school, and I can suck my own dick, so there! Is that gay enough for you, Starfucks?"

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Nice guy finishes last

"I can't believe I really finished last," wondered 28 year old Rob Bellamy, local nice guy. Rob participated in a speed dating event, and was informed by the dating service that not only did he receive no matches, but not a single woman out of the 30 he met that night wanted to see him again.

"I was nice, I laughed, I made sure to ask questions," he said, "I was honestly interested in everything they had to say. I even let them know what a great chef I am. I cook, I clean, I am funny, I am good looking, what more could a woman want?"

We asked some of the other participants that night what, indeed, did they want that Rob did not have.

"Some balls would have been nice," said Staci Rockefeller.

"If he acted like he wanted me sexually and not as a friend, I might have been more interested," Juli Steibold told us.

"He's obviously passive aggressive," Kristine Kashmir told us, "we talked about politics and relationships, and he couldn't take a position on anything. He kept trying to find out what I thought so he could agree with me."

Rob explained to us what he called "misunderstandings." "I try to be everything a woman needs at that moment, and forget about my own needs. When I decide I love someone, I grab real hard and don't let go. Women want the security that their man will cling to them and be there constantly every time they turn around. I also try to be nice and not directly state my feelings, I only do so indirectly. Girls like that, they don't like confrontation. Finally, I make sure my woman knows I need her. Women want to know their man really needs them so they feel special.

"But these girls, they just like jerks I guess. Like the last girl I dated. We had a misunderstanding, so I kept calling her, I knew if she just let me explain it would be allright, but she wouldn't take my calls, so I had to show up at her work. That's when she got the restraining order. Can you believe that? Like I am a stalker or something.

"I just have the bad habit of meeting immature women who don't know what they want. Someday I'll find an honest girl who is not selfish and doesn't like jerks and doesn't play mind games. "

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Special Report: World AIDS Day Observed

In Johannesburg, South Africa, riots broke out outside an AIDS clinic at a rally against AIDS in observance of Worlds AIDS day, which is today, December 1st.

"We must fight AIDS wherever it appears!" shouted one of the protesters. They burned down the clinic and beat up several AIDS patients before police could drive them back with fire hoses.

"Some say one of the biggest problems in Africa is lack of education on how AIDS is spread," says Kalicki Kendala, head of the South African Health Ministry. "That people don't understand how condoms lower your risk of contracting AIDS, and that AIDS is still a stigma. However, here in South Africa, we have a strong education program that teaches people it's a plot by the White owned Pharmaceutical companies, and only they can help us, not condoms or education. Why else would half of our continent have the disease?"

Elizabeth Sanger, granddaughter of Margaret Sanger founder of Planned Parenthood, said "The bigger problem is all these black people having children. The problem is double because not only are they black but they are poor. They should all be sterilized."

Lars Heidelberg, Minister of Universal Health Care in Belgium, had this to say: "We (and other countries with universal health care) have price fixing, and force pharmaceutical companies to sell their products for such a low price here that they have to raise their prices elsewhere to make up the difference. If that means more Africans die, so be it, it's them or us. After all, it's a dog eat dog world out there, especially in Zimbabwe."

French Journalists found in Fallujah

A firestorm of controversy has erupted after the bodies of French journalists have been found beheaded in a Fallujah insurgent "torture chamber." We obtained an exclusive interview with Chirac.

"We did what they wanted, why are they attacking us?" he asked, "We accepted the bribes from Saddam, and fought against American intervention...Hell, all through the 90s we argued in the U.N. to drop the sanctions against Iraq, so we could trade for cheap Iraqi oil in Saddam's 'Iraqi blood for oil' program. We would have even sold Saddam nuclear technology in the 90s if Germany hadn't beaten us to it.

"This attack against us, is as great a betrayal as 1200 years ago when we paid off the Vikings to stop invading us, only to have them come back in greater numbers! How many times will we have to keep paying people off?

"Obviously this is just further proof the U.S. must be stopped. Actually the U.K., Australia, New Zealand, and the English speaking part of Canada must be stopped too. If Anglo-Saxon military and business interests were removed from the mideast, and Israel gone, then they would be nice to us, obviously we did only part of what they wanted, we just have to do more, that's all."

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Local girl refuses to pay debt

George Lopez, bank manager at the Peoria, IL branch of Bank One, is at a loss. One of the bank's patrons, Risa Brye, refuses to pay her bills, and the traditional methods of handling it do not appear to be working.

"I sent her an email telling her she had to pay us back for the money we lent her, and she just exploded," he rather perplexedly explained. "She called me and started yelling at me, saying 'how dare you ask for your money back, that is so rude.' I wasn't really sure what she meant. I mean, we lent her the money, what did she think, we didn't want it back?"

He went on "Then she told me 'your bank only lent me money in order to have sex with me.' I'm really not sure what to make of that statement."

We went to find this Risa Brye to ask her to clarify some issues.

"Well first of all, I terminated my relationship with them, so I don't see why I should give them anything. Secondly, we had no understanding that I would have to give anything back," she explained, "you shouldn't lend something if you need it back. That's the first rule of lending, don't they know that?"

"Besides, I never said I wouldn't pay them back, I just said I'd do it someday, what's the problem? I told them I would pay them! In the past, I have had to declare bankruptcy, and have had a car repossessed. So I know about lending, don't even tell me, I have experience."

At her apartment, she showed us the new clothes she just bought. "I have this great new job, I can finally afford things."

George also told us "She told us she 'has a job' and 'has money', but then when we asked for her to make her payments, suddenly she is broke. She told me 'I can't, deal with it.'"

"I never said that!" Risa Brye yelled at us, "They are making this up in their minds. I told them I would pay them. They are crazy. Don't they realize how crazy they sound? The bank only wanted to have sex with me, the fact that they deny that shows just how delusional they are. Honestly I am afraid, I am being harassed by them. No one should have to go through that, I am the victim here."

When we asked her how a bank could possibly have sex with her, she exclaimed "the bank manager looked at me, I know he wanted me." After this Risa Brye began hyperventilating and had to breathe through her oxygen mask for awhile, then began crying, "can't you see what I'm going through? Why do bad things always happen to me?"

When confronted with the harassment charges, George said "we sent an email, then we sent another email two months later, is that harassment? One email? Speaking of victimizing, she told me if I didn't forget about her debt she would stab me."

"I was joking about that, Jesus Christ, give me a break!" Risa Brye exclaimed. "Don't they know, saying 'I can't' is never a confession of priorities, it's a statement of fact."

Risa Brye's name has been changed to protect us, since she threatened to stab us.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Motorola's new phones show image of child who made phone

Motorola announced their new marketing campaign that also will double as aid for children in need.

"All our new phone screens will show the picture of the Chinese child that made the phone," says Chris Galvin, CEO of Motorola. "The packaging will say if you buy this phone, you feed this child for a month. It really will help to feed thousands of poor children who work in sweatshops throughout China. These children are really in need, and besides giving them jobs, we thought it would be nice to do a little extra for them."

Carol Bellamy, executive director of UNICEF, had this to say: "We have been working with Motorola for a year now to hammer out this new program. Motorola has always taken an interest in the children of underdeveloped nations, giving them needed jobs so their families can eat, even giving them extra hours per day so they can earn more money, sometimes even 14 hours a day. Now, each phone that customers buy will bring extra rice rations to their family."

Chris Galvin, in an effort to placate investors, added "Plus, it doubles as an incentive program, if the child does a bad job and the phone is defective and gets returned, then sorry, you don't eat this month."

Nokia and Ericsson have no current plans for their phones, but are looking into it. "Our phones are made by Eastern European women kidnapped for the Russian Mob's sex slave trade," said Leif Henrickson, a representative of Ericsson, "No one will look at some 23 year old coked out hooker and feel sorry for her and want to give her money. Now children - they are the future. We are looking into using child labor in Africa. After all, you don't need legs to build a cell phone."