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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Republicans Ask For Another Chance

Across the country conservatives can be found crying, in therapy, and suffering from general disillusionment.

"We thought we were going to reach across the divide in this country," said Barbara Helcott, local housewife, "and work together to make this a better country. But then they say this."

Mrs. Helcott was speaking about a recent speech made by Sen. Howard Dean, who may be the next DNC chairman, in which he said "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

Dean's statement has caused trauma in Capitol Hill. The halls are ghostly and empty, yet one can hear senators and representatives softly weeping from behind closed doors. A therapy group has started meeting in the basement of the Capitol, where republicans can meet and share their feelings.

"I can't believe I was happy for the Iraqi people," said Sen. John McCain, "Dean taught me that democracy and liberty does not work in most of the world, and we should not think democracy is any better than anything else. At first I was thankful to him for showing me this. But now after he said this? What am I to think? I am so hurt. [sniff]

"All I wanted was to work with the Democrats. I am 'the Maverick', for chrissakes! Why does he hate me? Have I gained too much weight? I know I gained a lot since I was a POW in Vietnam. I can lose it again Dean! I can go to GITMO, and they can torture me by playing good cop bad cop, and giving me my special diet of ethnic southwest food, and letting me go to church every week. That will make me lose weight. Please Dean, just give me another chance!"

"I thought we were the ones causing the divide," said Sen. Tom DeLay, "I wanted to lower taxes to create jobs and increase tax revenue, just like JFK did. Dean told me how that is not a 'feel good' solution and therefore must be evil and serves only the rich. What we need to do is raise taxes, and take away people's jobs so we can then help them. After all, a person should not have to work a McJob or WalJob, which are both demeaning.

"I was just starting to believe him, but then he said he hates me. How could he betray me like this? [sniff] All I wanted to do was work with him to make our country just like Canada with it's 13% unemployment and shrinking quality of health care. Why is he so mean? Is it my Texas accent? Did I not go to the right schools?"

"I don't understand, hic" said Joshua Hartnell, local carpenter, "six years ago the Democrats said Social Security would go bankrupt and we needed hic to fix it. Now they say it won't. And they say I'm not smart enough to hic use the special Thrift savings plan that they have as federal employees. hic. Why're they calling me stupid? What did I ever do to Dean to make him hate me? I feel so betrayed hic ... excuse the hiccups I just started drinking again."

"At first I was angry at the Democrat protesters at the Inaugural Address," said Dr. Condoleeza Rice, "calling me Aunt Jemima and the 'N' word and telling me how good I was at obeying my 'massah.' But it was Dean who showed me it was my fault they said those things, because I am not as compassionate and peace loving as they are. But now Dean's latest words are so hurtful. I am a hawk just like Madeleine Albright, whose father was my professor. Dean is a dove. There is no reason hawks and doves can't get along. I can learn to be a vegetarian hawk. Maybe I should get Botox like Pelosi? Dean, just tell me what you want!"

Rumors were spreading that outside Dean's office, republican lawmakers were seen holding hands singing "all we are saying, is give us a chance." But these rumors could not be substantiated.