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Articles for this week's Archive

Secrets from Episode 3 Revealed
Rather Still Wants to be First
Dances With Neocons
Former Marine Accuses US of War Crimes
ACLU Withdraws From Lawsuits
Spain to Terrorists: Stop Picking on Us
John Williams Honored
Clandestine Neocon Karaoke Cabal Uncovered!
Murder Suicide goes awry

Friday, December 10, 2004

Secrets from Episode 3 Revealed

Eyes On the Ball reporters have obtained secret transcripts of the upcoming movie Star Wars: Episode 3. In the movie are some radical changes.

Due to criticism of Jar Jar Binks, including that he was a racist caricature, George Lucas lessened his presence in Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. In Episode 3, Lucas has completely replaced Jar Jar. "I don't understand why people thought he was some racial sterotype," he said, "but I realized no one liked him, and knew I had to make a less controversial character. So I've removed Jar Jar completely, and in Episode 3 will introduce a new character: Blackie McBlack.

"Blackie McBlack will be a major character in the new Star Wars movie," Lucas told us. "He is going to be the translator for Anakin, as well as just do odd jobs around the house. Since Anakin doesn't have C3P0, Blackie is going to be the 'house droid.' For instance, Blackie McBlack will do things like shine Anakin's Darth Vader armor, get him his juma juice, etc."

Lucas showed us a picture of what Blackie McBlack will look like. Explaining his race as a smaller cousin of the Wookie, he has a white furry body, with a black face. "I think having the black face helps, just like those colored monkeys, such as orangutans. It makes them look scary.

"He's also going to provide comic relief, we have written many funny songs that he sings, which are spiritual songs passed down from his monkey tribe ancestors, that they sang when they were slaves of the Sith.

"We also, because of sensitivity to African Americans, decided to make Blackie McBlack talk in Ebonics. That way they can feel more like a part of the Star Wars universe, since I have no black characters besides Mace Windu.

"I really think he is going to be a hit with the kids."

We tried to get a comment from Samuel L. Jackson, but he would only mutter and shake his head.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Rather Still Wants to be First

"I still want to be the first to break the story if the documents turn out to be fake," said Dan Rather when asked about the upcoming December 10th release of the Boccardi and Thornburgh report. "No one has yet proven the documents are fake, and if anyone does, I want to be the first. Even if I have to tackle Boccardi on his way to the studio and rip the report out of his cold, dead hands.

"No one has ever disputed the focus of the story, only attacked the evidence. Why would anyone attack evidence? What kind of argument is that? What, were the pajamahedeen all on the debate team or something? The focus of the story is, of course, that George W. Bush was a rich kid. Are they denying it? No, because they know they can't.

"I am still not going to rest until I get to the bottom of this, I will be the first to let the world know if the documents are fake, just like I was the first to let the world know that Bush was a rich kid. Richie Richie Rich kid!"

Dances With Neocons

The BBC has begun filming a documentary in rural America in an attempt to understand the elusive "red state" American.

"Little is known about these Red State Americans," said BBC News World Affairs Correspondent Humphrey Hawksley. "But they are thought to have less teeth, yet more fingers and toes, than the average American known and loved throughout the rest of the world.

"We have taken many precautions before sending our team in. For instance, a full spectrum of inoculations has been given, and we've also scheduled dangerous animal handling training, in case some wild specimens are discovered. Finally we have therapists to help relieve stress and fear in our team, which is very high right now."

"My wife is very much against me going," said Terence Cooper, cinematographer for the expedition. "We've heard all sorts of stories about the rural US, like the natives dress in white sheets dancing around bonfires, and shoot anyone else who isn't one of them on sight. I am quite scared myself, but we must search for the truth."

"I am an atheist, and a gay man," said Beverly, a production assistant who would not give his last name. "I am quivering in my kickers right now. I heard they take men like me and tie them to the back of these 'pick ups', whatever those are, and drag us behind them for kilometers. An utter savage bunch if you ask me."

"I am really hoping we can bring back a specimen," said Lindsey Warden, an Oxford anthropology professor. "The latest theories say that the red state Americans have been living in isolation for thousands of years, which is why they are obviously so backwards and most probably inbred. But if we could capture and bring back a live one, assuming we could control it, it would advance research by years. Perhaps we may even find the missing link between human and ape we have searched for all these years."

"The poor stupid creatures," Hawksley added, "It's a tragedy really, unlike most Europeans, I truly feel sorry for them and hope we can re-educate them all, and bring them into our enlightened progressive culture. That would be a lot of work, but I think that's better than the Netherlands, whose government wants to mercifully put them all down."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Former Marine Accuses US of War Crimes

Today at a Canadian asylum trial for member of the Army's 82nd Airborne Division, Jeremy Hinzman, Former Marine staff sergeant Jimmy Massey testified that Marines in Iraq are committing war crimes and killing civilians.

"Massey first came to us because he felt bad that civilians got killed," Sean Penn told us. "So I asked him to join my new organization: P.U.S.S.Y. - People's Umbrage at Servicemen Slaying Youth. There are too many stories of civilians dying because of murder and war crimes.

"Massey told me several stories. For instance, If a car was charging at a checkpoint and refused to stop, they would open fire. Then when they looked in the vehicle, sometimes the people inside would be unarmed and there would be no explosives. Obviously they should have just let them charge through, why did they assume they were hostile just because they refused to stop when told to, at what was obviously a military checkpoint?

"These are clearly war crimes they should be punished for. I've managed to convince Massey of this, and I know I will soon be able to convince the other Marines that they are bad and need to be punished.

"We have to stop the killing and love each other, that's the only way to stop the terrorists in the long term.

"It doesn't matter how many Marines have to die. If only one civilian dies, then we have lost."

ACLU Withdraws From Lawsuits

Two wrongful termination lawsuits the ACLU filed last week were thrown into disarray as today the ACLU suddenly petitioned the court to be allowed to remove themselves from representing the plaintiffs. The two unrelated cases were both free speech cases, one plaintiff maintaining he had been fired after making controversial statements about the Vietnam War, the other claiming he had been fired after making controversial statements about the Founding Fathers.

"When we heard these people had been fired for making controversial statements, we rushed to their defense," said Henry Weezel, Central Regional Director of the ACLU. "We are always interested in protecting free speech and plus it makes great publicity. But then we found out something that we could not stomach, and realized we could no longer represent these two plaintiffs.

"We found out ... you won't believe this ... they are Republicans.

"Can you believe that? Republicans! We just couldn't believe we were in the position of defending those people. We stand for freedom for everybody to say and do what they want, which is something Republicans are totally against. How can we stand for freedom and liberty, while at the same time helping a right wing nut spout his hate speech about 'hard work' and bootstraps?"

The first plaintiff, Steve Gardner served on the same swift boat as John Kerry. He was interviewed by Douglas Brinkley for Time Magazine about Kerry, whom Gardner said he did not support for President. The next day, Gardner was laid off his job, where he had just received a positive review and was responsible for operations in two states.

The second plaintiff, Stephen Williams, a teacher, first got in trouble when a student asked why 'under God' is in the Pledge of Allegiance, since it had been in the news the night before. Instead of saying "go ask your parents," Williams held a class discussion on the history of religion in early America. He was later fired for handing out copies of text including the Declaration of Independence, which includes the word "Creator", as well as the Constitution, which contains the word "Lord."

"As you can see, these men are disgusting," Weezel said. "Imagine trying to force your right wing views on others. First of all, 30 years ago we learned, thanks to the courage of John Kerry and Jane Fonda, that all military personnel are war criminals that cut up babies for fun, so why should we listen to anything someone like Gardner has to say? He should be in jail for war crimes, not spouting his uninformed opinions. Just because he was there he thinks he knows something.

"Secondly, even worse is the case of Williams. I mean, a teacher handing out documents mentioning God? Luckily he was fired before Thanksgiving, or he might try something really oppressive, like saying during Thanksgiving, they were thanking God. Just because he's a history teacher he thinks he can talk about anything that happened in the past?

When asked about several public schools presenting Muslim speakers to talk about Ramadan, he said "That is not promoting religion, it is just a cultural exchange. It's only promoting religion if it has anything to do the Christian God, then we have a duty to stop it.

"Freedom of speech isn't free, but comes with responsibility. We can't just let anybody say what they want."

Spain to Terrorists: Stop Picking on Us

"We are quite upset at the amount of terrorist attacks we have been enduring the last few years," Spain's Prime Minister, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, said this week. "First the Al-Qaida attack us, so we gave them what they wanted: we withdrew our troops."

"Now last week, ETA attacks us in much the same manner after being dormant for years. Why did they suddenly mount such a massive attack? Were they hoping that they too will get something out of it. Just because we gave in to one terrorist group, they think we'll give in to another?

"What's next, the IRA? Or how about the Red Brigades? This really sucks."

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

John Williams Honored

John Williams, Elton John, and others were honored at the 27th annual Kennedy Awards last week for the profound impact their music has had on American culture.

John Williams is best known as the composer for the scores of Jaws and Star Wars. Unbeknownst to him, he received an additional honor when the President announced he would be the composer of the new Tribute to the President to replace "Hail to the Chief."

"In today's world of global terror," President Bush intoned, "the commander in chief of the armed forces of the United States must present a strong image. An image of someone who will not back down, or conduct surveys to determine if defending America passes a global test. That is why, by my latest Executive Order, I have asked The President's Own Marine Corp Band to change the Presidential Tribute from Hail to the Chief, to the Imperial March, commonly known as the Darth Vader Theme.

"The Darth Vader Theme is a strong, powerful march, that will project the power and majesty of the Oval Office to all who hear it. Whenever the President walks into a room, the Marine Band will play the Imperial March, letting all know that a strong man, who will defend America, is coming. Terrorists - watch out!"

Several people in the audience cheered, while most of the audience remained in hushed, almost shocked silence, no doubt awed by the power and majesty of the Oval Office.

John Williams was asked to say a few words. His great humility would not allow him to take any credit. "I am ... um ... very honored," he said. "I had no idea this was going to happen ... I assure you, I had nothing to do with this."

As the President left the building, the Marine band, evidently already informed of the change, played the Imperial March. Immediately as soon as the music started, several Arabic men, who apparently were hiding in the crowd, started screaming and running away holding their ears, and throwing RPGs and assault rifles to the ground behind them. Though they did not get far, as they were picked off by Secret Service snipers on the rooftops nearby.

On a related note, Ruffles and Flourishes (played just before the President enters) will be replaced by the theme from Jaws.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Clandestine Neocon Karaoke Cabal Uncovered!

Eyes On The Ball recently uncovered clandestine meetings operating in the basement of the White House. We were investigating rumours of a plan to attack Iran, when we finally managed to corner one of the members of this cabal, and got invited to attend a meeting. What we found was shocking and horrifying, as shocking as seeing your dad dress up like Dr. Frank-N-Furter of Rocky Horror: a Neocon Karaoke Cabal - where high level members of the government congregate to sing their favorite songs together.

"We started these meetings during the 2004 election, to help psyche us up before important press conferences," Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary told us. "It is a real boost to give an update on the war to a hostile press, when you have just belted out 'White Wedding' to a screaming audience."

"Neocon is their insulting word for us, but we took it and use it ourselves to take away its power," said John Snow, Secretary of the Treasury.

"It is really inspiring to have the President himself sing with us," Alphonso Jackson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, said. "When he is silly and croons 'I Love the Nightlife' it proves he is a man of the people, despite the fact he has killed every bill I have lobbied for."

Here is the list of some partipants' favorite songs:
Gale Ann Norton (Sec. of Interior): "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun"
Spencer Abraham (Sec. of Energy): "The Beverly Hillbillies Theme"
John Snow (Sec. of Treasury): "Money (That's what I want)"
Margaret Spellings (Sec. of Education): "Another Brick in the Wall pt.2"
M. W. Hagee, (Commandant, USMC): "The Marine's Hymn" (he never sings anything else)
John Ashcroft: "Onward Christian Soldiers"
Alberto Gonzales (new nominee for Attorney General): "Bad Boys (what ya gonna do)"
Mike Taylor (Bid for Montana Senator)): "It's Raining Men"
Condoleezza Rice: "One Way Or Another"
Dick Cheney: "Achey-Breaky Heart"
Colin Powell: "Take this Job and Shove It"
Donald Rumsfeld: "America, Fuck Yeah!"
President Bush: "We are the Champions"

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Murder Suicide goes awry

When Josh Biggens decided to kill his family and himself, his murder-suicide plans went awry when he got the order reversed and tried to commit suicide first.

"I was playing Blues Clues with our kids in the living room when it happened," Melanie Biggens told us. "I knew something was wrong when I saw in one hand he had his revolver and in the other hand a bottle of Draino."

"He told us 'I was just talking to God, and he told me we all have to die, we have to stop living this lie.' Then suddenly he said 'I'll go first' and just chugged the whole bottle of Draino. He immediately started coughing up blood, at which point I took the gun away and called 911. Well first I let our son (Josh Jr, 6) kick him a few times."

"He was always quiet and nice," said a childhood neighbor. "Though he did like to torture small animals, but we just thought it was a phase."

"He was never a bright boy," Josh's parents told us. "When he would punish the dog, he would tell him 'this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you' and then starting punching himself in the face. 'See what you made me do?' he would ask the dog, who would cock his head and give him that look dogs give you when they think you're being an idiot."

Josh is currently in the hospital with severe ulcers in his esophagus and stomach. Contrary to popular belief, draino won't kill you right away, it just burns really bad.