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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

George Soros' New Year's Resolution

"Over the past year, I took time out of my schedule to work at making sure George Bush doesn't get re-elected," George Soros, billionaire philanthropist, told us in an interview last week. "He and his lies had to be stopped. That is why I funded, as well as wrote articles against Bush's re-election in my personal blog,

"Bush has demonstrated contempt for developing nations and the rest of the world, which is why we needed to stop him. Unfortunately we did not. Now that the election is over, it is time for me to go back to doing what I do best:

"Destroying third world nations.

"Through currency speculation, and leveraging hundreds of billions of dollars, I found I could affect entire economies for the benefit of my philanthropical organization, which would then move in and help the country that was devastated by my hedge fund. For instance, I completely destroyed the economy of Russia just by publishing a paper on how the currency is worth much less than it was traded for. That is how powerful I am.

"But by far my greatest accomplishment is the Asian financial meltdown of the mid 90's. Through my betting against currencies, I managed to affect the lives of over a billion people. Most people don't even know it was me.

"That is why I published The Crisis of Global Capitalism, about the dangers of free trade and capitalism. It is dangerous for little people to control money. Obviously we can't have average people investing, starting businesses, and speculating on currency; if they don't have an eye towards the greater good they might do irreperable harm.

"Luckily I've already made all my money, for my philanthropy of course, before instituting my reforms to elminate capitalism.

"Unlike Bush, I have never gotten anyone killed. Is it my fault the Russians turned to the mob, and warlords run the countries whose economies I inadvertently destroyed? No of course not.

"Bush is truly evil. I can't understand how this Nazi got re-elected, especially with all of the rich and famous people like me arguing against him.

"But alas, it is time for me to go back to work. I have spent the past few years trying to figure out how to top my destruction of Asian markets. Now that they have become strong again, I think I see my opportunity, and I don't have much time to put my plan into action. Soon all the developing world's economies will crumble before my might. After all, you have to crack a few eggs to build a better society."