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Friday, December 10, 2004

Secrets from Episode 3 Revealed

Eyes On the Ball reporters have obtained secret transcripts of the upcoming movie Star Wars: Episode 3. In the movie are some radical changes.

Due to criticism of Jar Jar Binks, including that he was a racist caricature, George Lucas lessened his presence in Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. In Episode 3, Lucas has completely replaced Jar Jar. "I don't understand why people thought he was some racial sterotype," he said, "but I realized no one liked him, and knew I had to make a less controversial character. So I've removed Jar Jar completely, and in Episode 3 will introduce a new character: Blackie McBlack.

"Blackie McBlack will be a major character in the new Star Wars movie," Lucas told us. "He is going to be the translator for Anakin, as well as just do odd jobs around the house. Since Anakin doesn't have C3P0, Blackie is going to be the 'house droid.' For instance, Blackie McBlack will do things like shine Anakin's Darth Vader armor, get him his juma juice, etc."

Lucas showed us a picture of what Blackie McBlack will look like. Explaining his race as a smaller cousin of the Wookie, he has a white furry body, with a black face. "I think having the black face helps, just like those colored monkeys, such as orangutans. It makes them look scary.

"He's also going to provide comic relief, we have written many funny songs that he sings, which are spiritual songs passed down from his monkey tribe ancestors, that they sang when they were slaves of the Sith.

"We also, because of sensitivity to African Americans, decided to make Blackie McBlack talk in Ebonics. That way they can feel more like a part of the Star Wars universe, since I have no black characters besides Mace Windu.

"I really think he is going to be a hit with the kids."

We tried to get a comment from Samuel L. Jackson, but he would only mutter and shake his head.