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Friday, April 01, 2005

Hundreds of Appeals Overturned

"Trust the courts" say Democrats

A new wave of trust in our judicial system has been sweeping the ranks of the Democratic party. It all started with the controversial Terri Schiavo case, but has reached into every corner of society.

"We need to trust that findings of facts in trial courts are correct," said Al Sharpton in a press conference today. "The idea that there is injustice against black people is ludicrous, just as the idea that a rich person being able to hire better lawyers affects the outcome of a trial is ludicrous. Justice is blind, everyone knows that."

"I regret ever letting all those criminals go," said Republican George Ryan, former Governor of Illinois. Ryan became famous, and the poster boy for criminal litigation reform, when he let over 171 prisoners on death row go; not because DNA exonerated them, as is widely believed, but because his team of fact finders believed them and felt sorry for them. "Who was I to overturn convictions and pardon people? I mean come on! Are we really supposed to believe that a 250 lb guy was forced to kill his 120 lb girlfriend in self defense? Come on! Do I look stupid?"

This week thousands of people protested in Chicago against letting almost 200 black criminals go. The protests were led by the NAACP. "The trial court said they were guilty, so they are guilty!" said NAACP Chairman Julian Bond. "Who are we to question the courts?"

Thousands of African American protesters chanted "Put 'em back in jail! Blackie gets no bail!" and "Our danger has grown bigger, since you freed those n***"

In response, all across Illinois, those same 171 former prisoners are being arrested and thrown back in jail, their commutations overturned by Democratic IL Governor Rod Blagojevich. "We have to get these guys back in jail," he said, "the original findings of fact must stand. That is how our system works, we need to respect it. If we start believing that trial courts make mistakes it will all break down. Then there will be anarchy."

"I am really glad this is happening," said OJ Simpson, "Maybe finally people will leave me alone, now that we know the courts are always right. I was pronounced innocent, and we all know the courts never make mistakes, especially with black defendants."