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Thursday, February 10, 2005

Condi Apologizes for Forcing Freedom on Europe

This week, in a whirlwind tour of Europe, Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice apologized for forcing freedom on the rest of the world.

"During the Cold War we thought we had to work with really bad guys like Pinochet," she said in a conversation with French Foreign Affairs Minister Michel Barnier. "We thought we had no choice, we thought anything was better than the Communists. We thought stability was more important than freedom.

"Now, thanks to France and to liberals in the US, we know that was actually the right attitude. Stability, even with a ruthless dictator in charge, is indeed more important than freedom.

"Only now do we realize our folly. The French people did not want freedom, or if they did, it certainly wasn't our place to force it on them - to fight on their land causing wanton destruction. Especially when you consider all the leading French historians now agree that the Allies would have won the war without the US, it would only have taken a little longer! And we dare to say we saved Europe!"

In another speech in Berlin to the Reichstag, she said "We apologize to you, Germany, for occupying your country and forcing freedom on you. Your Werewolves band of SS partisans were right. If only we had listened when they bombed your factories, killed your mayors, police, and other collaborators, and warned you not to vote or they would kill you. How could you have had a free election while foreign forces were present? Look at Germany now, are you really better off?"

Back to France before the French Parliament, she said "Thanks to you Europeans and liberals in the US, we no longer believe in liberalism or liberty. Who are we to say freedom and democracy is right or the best way to run a government? No one way is right or wrong.

"That is why we pledge to immediately begin reparations to Western Europe for our anti-deconstructionist actions. Since we have only 6% unemployment, that leaves us plenty of room to raise taxes to repay you before we reach your levels of 12-16% unemployment, which is a more reasonable amount.

"We will also begin other reforms, such as restricting the press like France does so it cannot criticize the government or say mean things about people. We will immediately withdraw from Iraq and leave it in the hands of their rightful ruler, Al-Zarqawi, who is not from Iraq but at least is not white so he knows better than we do what is best. Finally, we pledge our military to only fight for stability and the status quo. Just like France does in Rwanda, the Sudan, and the Ivory Coast."