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Thursday, January 06, 2005

Rather Loses Faculties, Still Wants to be First

The CBS report is rumored to be released Friday January 6, or rather, a report on the report will be released. During a disturbing interview he granted to us earlier today, we came to the sad conclusion that Rather was losing his faculties. If after reading it, readers wish to help Mr. Rather, concerned citizens can give money to the Fund for the Mental Health of Biased Dinosaur Journalists that Cannot Accept that they can't Snowball the People Anymore. We present the entire transcript below.

"No one has ever proven that the documents are a fake," Dan Rather told us in an interview. "The jury is still out. Just because no document expert will verify the documents, and many typographical experts, including the so called father of modern typography, have proved no typewriter existed at the time that could type those memos, does not prove they are fake. All it proves is that the pajamahideen are waging a jihad against us in the media, following their Nazi leader, George Bush.

"Their arguments are shakier than cafeteria jello. The burden of proof is on those saying the documents are forged, not CBS that claimed the documents were real. Even though our document experts told us they couldn't verify the documents, we ran the story anyway, because they couldn't prove the documents were fake. Experts schmecksperts! Goo goo ga ga! I'm Dan Rather!

"If the documents are ever proved to be fake, then I will be the first to report it. I stand for the truth. Of course, no one can prove something is not true, only if it is true. But that doesn't matter. I'm Dan Rather!

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'innocent until proven guilty?' It does not mean the burden of proof is on the affirmative side (rather than the negative), as all those Debate Team Republicans would have us believe. It means, when I say something you must believe it is true, I don't have to prove it, you have to prove it is not true. After all, I am Dan Rather! Award winning journalist! Unbiased and hard working!

"If I say I am an alien from the planet Zorgma you must believe it! Can you prove I'm not? Can you prove aliens from Zogma did not travel back in time and leave a typewriter capable of typing the memos? No! You cannot prove that didn't happen. Therefore the possiblity remains. I'm Dan Rather!

"These lies they are saying spread faster than an armadillo rolling down a hill. These people are all more biased against me than a hurricane is against stilt houses. I was in the Marines goddammit! It is making me as mad as a rained-on rooster in South Asia!

"Bush lied, don't you get it? That is our job to prove Bush is evil! If I say he lied you have to believe it, if I have to lie in order to convince you he lied it doesn't matter, because I know he lied, and that is more important than whether I can prove it or not. I am Dan Rather! The ends justifies the means if the ends are good! Not if the ends are evil, like all Republican ends. I'm Dan Rather! The king of all media, not that other guy. The cock of the walk! The arbiter of truth! How dare you question me? I decide what is true! Not people who were there! Me! I'm Dan Rather!

"Hoobah gloobah aardvarks! Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Courage loopa Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!"