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Articles for this week's Archive

Terri Schiavo Wanted Us to Have A Million Dollars
Hundreds of Appeals Overturned
Mapes' Manuscript Forged!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Terri Schiavo Wanted Us to Have A Million Dollars

Dear Mr. Michael Schiavo,

We are sorry to hear of your wife's recent demise. This may seem like a bad time, but we suddenly remembered she once wrote to us and told us that if she ever passed away, and you had a million dollars awarded to you, she wanted us to have it.

Our senior editor Pluto's Dad remembers the conversation very well. It was over drinks at the Mahi-Tiki restaurant in Orlando, Florida. You were out of town that weekend, and she wanted to meet our editor to discuss life and death issues, since those were her favorite topic and talked about them all the time.

She seemed very upset that you might end up with too much money, she believed money was corrupting and would be bad for you. She wanted you to be comfortable, but not too comfortable, you know what we mean?

We are sorry we didn't remember this until now, but it just suddenly came to us. I guess with all the hubbub we just plumb forgot! I'm sure you understand. You yourself forgot your wife wanted to die for several years, then suddenly remembered once you received the judgement for 1.6 million. Just like you suddenly remembered she wanted to be cremated after her parents asked for an autopsy.

Yeah, Terri really loved discussing all the things that should happen after she died, didn't she? We cannot believe we forgot it all, but now that you bring these things up, we remember that you could not shut her up about death. Like that one time you two and Pluto's Dad were walking down the street, and she saw an old man with a cold and said "he's going to die of pneumonia". Then later that same day we passed by that old woman with a walker, and she said "if I ever need a walker, just put me down, I don't want to live like that."

Yeah, those were the days.

So... When can we expect our check?

Hundreds of Appeals Overturned

"Trust the courts" say Democrats

A new wave of trust in our judicial system has been sweeping the ranks of the Democratic party. It all started with the controversial Terri Schiavo case, but has reached into every corner of society.

"We need to trust that findings of facts in trial courts are correct," said Al Sharpton in a press conference today. "The idea that there is injustice against black people is ludicrous, just as the idea that a rich person being able to hire better lawyers affects the outcome of a trial is ludicrous. Justice is blind, everyone knows that."

"I regret ever letting all those criminals go," said Republican George Ryan, former Governor of Illinois. Ryan became famous, and the poster boy for criminal litigation reform, when he let over 171 prisoners on death row go; not because DNA exonerated them, as is widely believed, but because his team of fact finders believed them and felt sorry for them. "Who was I to overturn convictions and pardon people? I mean come on! Are we really supposed to believe that a 250 lb guy was forced to kill his 120 lb girlfriend in self defense? Come on! Do I look stupid?"

This week thousands of people protested in Chicago against letting almost 200 black criminals go. The protests were led by the NAACP. "The trial court said they were guilty, so they are guilty!" said NAACP Chairman Julian Bond. "Who are we to question the courts?"

Thousands of African American protesters chanted "Put 'em back in jail! Blackie gets no bail!" and "Our danger has grown bigger, since you freed those n***"

In response, all across Illinois, those same 171 former prisoners are being arrested and thrown back in jail, their commutations overturned by Democratic IL Governor Rod Blagojevich. "We have to get these guys back in jail," he said, "the original findings of fact must stand. That is how our system works, we need to respect it. If we start believing that trial courts make mistakes it will all break down. Then there will be anarchy."

"I am really glad this is happening," said OJ Simpson, "Maybe finally people will leave me alone, now that we know the courts are always right. I was pronounced innocent, and we all know the courts never make mistakes, especially with black defendants."

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Mapes' Manuscript Forged!

You heard it here first, unimpeachable sources have told us that Mary Mapes' manuscript, "The Other Side of the Story," to be published by St. Martin's Press for an undisclosed 6 figure advance, has been forged.

"I can't believe this has happened to me again," she told us, "This is a conspiracy, I'll bet that bastard KKK Karl is behind it."

Mapes said she handed the manuscript to a bike messenger named Rosa who was to deliver it to the St. Martin's Press office. However, records at St. Martin's show it did not arrive after 15 minutes as it should have, but it took the messenger 2 hours to deliver the manuscript. It was during this period Mapes believes the messenger switched her manuscript with the forged one.

"The forged manuscript says ridiculous things, like 'Bush is the worst president ever.' I would never say that! That would mean I'm biased!" she explained. "All my life I have fought for truth. I target Democrats as well. Like that one time I ... well there was the other time I ... nevermind I don't have to defend myself.

"For five years I looked into George Bush's history at the guard because there is a real story there. The only reason I can't find anything is because Karl Rove has spent the past 30 years hiding the facts. This is not at all like the Swift Boat Vets hating Kerry and making up lies. This is real, not made up by hatemongers and liars."

"We are tired of these constant forgeries by the right trying to make us look bad," said Dan Rather in a rare post-anchor interview. "It was bad enough with the national guard memos, that Karl Rove forged just to make us look stupid. And now last week they forged a GOP Memo that showed the Republicans were fighting to keep Terri Schiavo alive only for political gain. Now we know that memo was forged. And as usual, it looks like a Democrat did it, when in reality we know Karl Rove forged it so that we would again look like we hated the Republicans so much we were willing to lie."

"Even the Iraq-Nigerian connection memos are now looking like they were forged by Democrats. So now the Republicans can use this to say Bush never lied! That Rove is so evil!

"See how his lies are layer upon layer? What a genius! He's been planning this since the early 90s, which also proves the 2000 election was a fraud because how could he have made all these things happen in the past unless he knew for sure Bush Jr. would get elected?

"Why oh why are we targeted? We only want to report the truth to the people. I am not biased; I have Republican friends. Really. So where do they get the idea that I am biased? It's not my fault Rove keeps forging documents and making them look like Democrats forged them. I'm just trying to expose the truth. Which means I have to ignore the lies that that the 'forensic experts' tell us, because even they have been fooled by Rove's crack team of document forgers. I have to ignore the facts on the surface and look deeper."

"We were going to publish this but now we probably aren't," said Bob Terwell of St. Martin's Press, "we wanted an expose on how Mapes was framed by the evil Karl Rove propaganda machine, but this is obviously a forgery. We knew it was a forgery the second we saw the words 'Republicans are evil selfish rich lying bastards' because knew she would never say anything like that. I mean, sure Republicans don't care about the poor or middle class, and sure they want oil and are willing to kill Americans to get it, but that does not make them selfish rich evil lying bastards, after all, we are not biased.

"We demand the FBI investigate this and drop that silly investigation alleging that ten thousand dead who voted for Kerry in Milwaukee, as if that ever happened. But of course they probably won't, since they are biased and are the thugs of Bush."