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Friday, January 14, 2005

Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI

Springboarding from the success of their CBS investigation, Dick Thornburgh and Lou Boccardi went into business as Private Investigators. They have already established an impressive list of solved crimes.

Peoria, IL native Martin Vance was given worker's comp for an injury he sustained while working at a UPS loading dock. UPS's insurance company was not convinced that his story was true. They hired Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI to determine if Vance's injuries were real or not.

Thornburgh and Boccardi's report contained the following details:
  1. Vance was videotaped playing hopscotch with his children, and also won a dance competition at his church

  2. The signatures on Vance's doctor's certificate did not match that of his doctor

  3. He was not actually at work on the day he was injured, he had taken the day off to go to Great America with his son.
The Thornburgh/Boccardi report concluded:

While Vance did not take care to eliminate the appearance of impropriety, we cannot conclude that he actually was not injured on the job, and therefore we cannot say he does not deserve the settlement. We find no evidence of fraud.

"I am really proud of that report," Boccardi told us, "it was really hard getting that data, but fun. I got to go buy black ninja outfits that I wore when I videotaped him through his windows, I even got to paint my face black. It was cool."

"People don't understand the stress we're under," said Thornburgh, "my reports could destroy people's lives. As long as there is any minute shred of doubt, such as maybe aliens from the planet Zogma came by whisked Vance to work, broke his leg, the whisked him back to Great America, then I cannot say he is guilty. Those same aliens are also suspected of going back in time to provide a typewriter capable of creating the 'Memogate' reports, since no such typewriter existed at the time."

"Those damn Zogma aliens," interjected Boccardi, "you can't prove anything anymore. Hey, how do we know you're going to print what I really say? Because if you don't, even though this is on tape, I can't prove it's a forgery."

"No," said Thornburgh, "especially with the possibility of aliens interfering. You can't prove anything anymore. Hey, those are cool nightvision goggles."

"Thanks," Boccardi said, "they were on sale."