Please Visit the new location for this site!: http://www.eyesontheballnews.com We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Articles for this week's Archive

The Week In Pictures 8 - Condi in the news
Local Man Annoys Friends After Buying TIVO
Editorial Monologue 1
Church of the Creator Needs TLC As Well
Text Message Hell
A Message From Flamco Paint 2
Blogger Squanders Instapundit Link
Local Man Causes Fatness in Women
A Message From Our Sponsor: Flamco Paint

Friday, March 04, 2005

The Week In Pictures 8 - Condi in the news


Sen. Shumer (D-NY) re: Sen. Collins (R-ME): "Whew, it's gettin' hot in here. Back that thang up!" (h/t kurlander)



With Rumsfeld at bat in the annual UN cricket match, Bush and Condi dangerously get their signals mixed up.



Condi vainly tries to warm up Europe before Bush's speech, singing "Everyone on the right say hey!"



Condi rethinks her outfit when she has to keep explaining to European leaders that she's not part of the help.



All we're saying is, we've never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time.



Bush, Blair, and Rice later state: "We never would have pushed for the Iraq war if Karl Rove didn't put those damn earworms in our heads to control us."



Always calm and detached, Rock says "Make no mistake, if he weren't holding me back, I'd eat your face off, just to see what you'd do."



Bill Clinton's Finishing School for Women teaches their final lesson.



Spaniards are outraged by protests against terrorists in Lebanon, Syria, and Azerbaijan, saying "why didn't we think of that?"



Nickel - the new substitute for silicone.



French protest the "occupation" and "genocide" in Iraq, saying "We much preferred the genocide under regimes friendly to France, like Saddam, and Rwanda, and the Sudan, and Congo, and Liberia, and Zimbabwe, and ... "

Other French lamented "Why do they keep kidnapping our journalists when each time we give them concessions?"


Thursday, March 03, 2005

Local Man Annoys Friends After Buying TIVO

Peoria, IL native Brad Johnson built a TIVO a few months ago, and according to his friends, ever since then he has become very annoying.

"He built it himself," said John Darwin, his coworker at Applebee's, "did he tell ya that? He always makes sure to tell us how he built it himself, like that makes him a genius. I'm tellin' ya, I'm really getting sick of his bragging how he gets more hours on his DVR than I do, how he has all his music on his as well, and his whole entertainment center is controlled by his 'HTPC.' I mean, Brad, we get it, you're a geek. Ya don't have to prove it."

"He used to go out with us, right? But not anymore," said Vicky Fontana, friend and employee of Jamba Juice at the same mall. "Now all he talks about is the Sci Fi channel. He records it all week, right? Now he doesn't go out on weekends, he just stays home watching Buck Rogers and Stargate reruns that he TIVOd during the week. I mean, I used to think he was cute, you know? But O.M.G. get a life.

"His favorite joke? You know that Sabine Ehrenfeld girl from the Overstock.com add? He says she is into Stargate, because she says "It's all about the go'aould." He has told that joke like fifty times. It's starting to get old. I swear, if I have to hear one more time about how hot Amanda Tapping is? I'm going to scream.

"Same goes for Nicole De Boer and Erin Grey"

"The worst thing is," said Terri Sanfauken, friend and manager at Nordstom's, "is that you can't even talk to him anymore. Every time I try to have a conversation, if he doesn't hear something I said, he reaches for the remote trying to rewind me back 8 seconds. Last week when we were talking he looked at me and said "pause" and then went off to the bathroom! Then when he came back, he expected me to start where I left off. Yeah right."

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Editorial Monologue 1

Matthew Hale, white supremacist leader of the Church of the Creator, is back in the news today when the family of a judge he swore to kill was killed execution style.

He says he was not involved, that because of his time in jail, he has learned to love big black men.

Sometimes guards put him in a room with one where no one can hear, so then they can have private race "relations."

Hale is also reportedly in talks to represent Flamco hemorrhoid pillows.

Georgia has just banned smoking in bingo parlors.

In retaliation the AARP called for a ban on Georgia.

"We're gonna keep smokin our tobacee. It's not our fault you youngins is droppin like flies."

This is going to start a revolution. "First they wanna take away our Social Security, now they wanna ban smokin at bingo? We won't take this lying down! ...

"on our hospital beds ... "

All the old people will be marching on Atlanta ... dragging their oxygen tanks behind them.

Smoking through their tracheotomy holes...

After terrorists killed their former prime minister, Lebanese have taken to the streets protesting.

Spaniards, who voted out their President when they were attacked, are outraged; saying "the terrorists never told us we could protest them."

Spain is also outraged at the ETA Basque seperatists's recent spate of bombings after having been dormant for years.

The new Spanish President said "Just because we gave Al-Quaeda what they wanted, doesn't mean we're going to give every terrorist what they want. Hello!"

Michael Jackson told prosecutors that the children, without his knowledge, accidentally found his wine cellar and opened wine bottles and drank them.

He also said the children accidentally learned how to use wine bottle openers, and also accidentally just happened to pick the perfect wine to pair with hot dogs and ice cream.

Trimbach gewürztraminer from Alsace, Germany.

Rape has skyrocketed the past few years in Malmø, Sweden's 3rd largest city; where police recently said they're afraid to enter half the city because it is run by Muslim criminal gangs.

The rape increase was a concern until it was found out that the majority of women getting raped are ones that refuse to wear burkas to cover their beauty.

This proves rape is about sex, not power.

Muslim leaders condemned the violence, saying "if women covered themselves and did what we told them to, we wouldn't need to rape them"

Church of the Creator Needs TLC As Well

Victoria Fontan, visiting professor at Colgate University, has come to Chicago to visit the site of the murder of the family of Federal Judge Joan Lefkow. Lefkow became prominent in the fight against white supremacism when she presided over a trademark name dispute over the Church of the Creator, a name which another group claimed they owned. It was during this trial that Matthew Hale, leader of the Church of the Creator, solicited the murder of Judge Lefkow, which he was convicted for and is going to be sentenced for later in March of this week.

Many in the media have connected the two events, since Hale wanted Judge Lefkow murdered, and his sentencing is coming up in a few weeks, it seems obvious him or his group is connected. If it is, Professor Fontan tells us, it should not be punished, but understood.

"We never listen to the plight of white people in this country," said Fontan, "then we act surprised when they turn to violence. Is it any wonder, with our domestic policy of oppression? We need to understand why they turn to violence, and then we'll know how to stop it. If our domestic policy was more compassionate towards rural folk just trying to live their lives according to their own values, and stopped trying to impose our values on them, then they would not turn to violence.

"We are only interested in condemning them. We should be listening."

Ed Ill, local Chicago actor, said "We are not listening to their intellectual arguments, just dismissing them as [racism]. If we listened more, then some of them wouldn't feel the need to turn to violence." He also told us "we keep trying to impose our values on them, that is why they are mad."

Charles Rangel (Rep -D) also is visiting Chicago this week, saying "We say they are 'white supremacist' terrorists. Why do we call them supremacist? Just because they want to help their people? Why do we call them 'white'? They are not white, more a shade of peach, really. To call them white supremacists is discriminating, it's bigoted, it's not the right thing to say.

"When Europe invaded the Mideast to defend their homeland and stop the Caliphate from expanding any more into Europe (after they conquered parts of Spain, Greece, and Italy). We didn't call it 'Christians imposing their religion on others,' so why call these new fighters 'white supremacist' terrorists?"

Fontan also added "Change is already occurring. Mathhew Hale is leaving the Church of the Creator. He said his stay in jail has taught him to, as Jerry Maguire said, love the black man. He even told me that every night in his cell, he loves big black men, and they love him back. In fact, he says they cannot get enough of him. That is so special. See? The power of love conquers all."

An emergency meeting of the ACLU, Red Cross, and Pacifists for Despots has been organized by Spain, to go to the Church of the Creator, and ask them what we've done to make them mad, and what they want. Hopefully, our love will get through to them and we can convince our imperious leaders to do the right thing and change our discriminating domestic policy, so these white terrorists will feel the need to take up arms no more.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Text Message Hell

Overheard at a Peoria, IL home:

(Meredith on phone)

MEREDITH

Oh My God! I can't believe he tried to kiss her! I have to go I have to text message Jessica.

(hangs up, types out text message)

W U GF?

(waits a moment)

Her phone must be off. Well I'll just go there..

(goes next door, knocks on door)

W U GF?

JESSICA

W U GF?

MEREDITH

OMG! G W!

JESSICA

W!? T M!

MEREDITH

Jeremy T 2 XO XO Megan.

JESSICA

N W!

MEREDITH

W!

JESSICA

ROFLMAO!

MEREDITH

Smiley Face

JESSICA

W A D!

MEREDITH

I K! I mean - H!

JESSICA

W W Jeremy T?

MEREDITH

colon rolleyes colon

JESSICA

D Megan XO XO Jeremy?

MEREDITH

R U K? A I!

JESSICA

Smiley face. I D T S

(enter JESSICA’S MOTHER)

JESSICA’S MOTHER

Jessica! This room is a pigsty! You are supposed to be cleaning it!

JESSICA

D M Y!

JESSICA’S MOTHER

What did I tell you about language?!

JESSICA

Don't swear?

JESSICA’S MOTHER

No, the other thing.

JESSICA

Don't use acro - acro - letters fine ok? Here I'm "talking"

JESSICA’S MOTHER

Good. Now C U R Before your D gets home and he K Y A

JESSICA

I’m talking to my friend! GOD! Stop embarrassing me! Oh my God!

JESSICA’S MOTHER

E M?

JESSICA

"O"! - "K"!

(to MEREDITH)

I G G, My M! - S 2 C M R

MEREDITH

AI!, L U R Her S!

JESSICA

IK! TMSIDK

MEREDITH

T H 2 G 2 seven seven three four upside down

JESSICA

AIK? She'd K M

MEREDITH

Oh Well, L 8 R

JESSICA

L 8 R

(blackout)

Monday, February 28, 2005

A Message From Flamco Paint 2

Read this post first if you have not, to see part one of A Message From Flamco Paint.

(Phone ringing, Flamco spokesman on phone waiting, customer occupied, answers phone)

CUSTOMER

Hello?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Jordan Easter, are you there?

CUSTOMER

Hello? Yeah this is me, who is this?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This is Flamco paint. We are conducting a customer satisfaction survey. We are just wondering how you are enjoying that insurance money.

CUSTOMER

Umm ... Sure, it's great.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

We just wanted to be sure no one suspects it was arson, that would be a shame if they did.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, no- it worked great. They didn't suspect anything. Your paint passed all the arson investigators' tests.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

That's great. Now that we helped you, it's time for you to help us.

CUSTOMER

Um, Listen I gotta go-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Not so fast, Jordan. Like I said, it would be a shame if the authorities found out what you did.

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

Are you blackmailing me?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

But why?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This may come as a shocker, but paint is a low margin business. We have to make money any way we can. That's why we started producing flammable paint. We found we could double our income thanks to people like you.

CUSTOMER

So you do this to all your customers?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

What if I fight? You can't go to the authorities, because then you'd get in trouble too.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok you got us on that one. But I only have one last question to ask:

CUSTOMER

Sure, but I really gotta -

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

No.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok here's another question. Are you sure you don't want to help us, after everything we've done for you?

CUSTOMER

But-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Why-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Fine! How much do you want?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Only twenty percent.

CUSTOMER

Twenty Percent!? That's robbery!

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Ok! ok! How do you want it.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

In cash. We'll send someone over tomorrow. Oh and don't get any funny ideas. While you were asleep we secretly painted your house the same shade of color with Flamco! Ultra Flammable brand paint. I'd hate to lose a Frank Lloyd Wright ranch home, just because the owner got stupid. Think of the children, and how they won't be able to take field trips to your house anymore.

CUSTOMER

Allright, I'll have it ready.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Great! And remember, if you need to rub someone out, and can't afford to move to the Netherlands where it is legal, think Flamco! For all your flammable paint needs.

CUSTOMER

I'll do that

(hangs up)

(Blackout)

Blogger Squanders Instapundit Link

A Local Blogger finally, after months of trying, got Glenn Reynolds, Instapundit, to use his name and a blurb he wrote, when he wrote UPDATE: Reader Chris Buchholz emails: "It didn't get much coverage here either. All day all I've seen on TV is how Bush wore his gloves."

Unfortunately, when he sent his email to Reynolds, he used his real name and address, and did not use his blogger name, nor give a link back to his blog.

So after trying for so long, he was finally mentioned on Instapundit, but squandered his chance at an Instalanche.

"I really wanted that Instalanche," Pluto's Dad said. "In the past, if I happened to write about the same subject as Reynolds, I would send him the funny article I wrote hoping he'd like it and maybe link back to it. I never asked outright for a link, that is bad taste, but just let him know 'hey, I'm out here, and I'm funny.' I mean, all my friends tell me I'm funny. And since they're my friends I know they're telling the truth.

"A link by Instapundit means a lot, it is the litmus test of whether you've 'made it' or not. He is our hero. I think, no wait - we hate him. I forgot. I heard he puts puppies in blenders. And I thought drinking protein shakes after workouts was gross.

"Also, I feel like the server my blog is on has just been too stable lately. I really wanted it to be taken down by thousands of hits. That would have been so cool.

"But over the weekend I just sent him a short little email with a comment, and he posted it. I never expected it. It is like dating, they say you will find someone when you aren't trying and not expecting anything. I never believed that, since that has been my strategy for twenty years and it hasn't worked out yet. But now I can see it is true. Too bad I did not take the opportunity to at least put a link. Now I won't get buried under the Instalanche, but have to just keep surfing the bunny hill of hits until I get another opportunity."

Keep on truckin' Pluto's Dad. The Instapundit may link to you yet.

Local Man Causes Fatness in Women

Josh Howard, local Starbucks Barista, causes women to gain weight - according to all his ex girlfriends.

"I used to think it was just that psychopath, Lisa," he told us, "she kept saying 'I'm gaining weight, and it's your fault.' I figured, yeah whatever, she was just making excuses, ya know? She was like that, always playing the victim.

"But then after I dated Heather for awhile, she said the exact same thing. She said we kept going out to eat, and because food was in front of her she ate it, and it was my fault because I was the one that paid. I thought, well maybe it's just a coincidence, right?

"But since then, three other girls I've dated told me it's my fault they are getting fat. Just last week Cindy, the girl I'm seeing now, told me that I better stop making her fat or she's breaking up with me.

"I am really worried. All the girls I date just can't stop eating, and they all tell me it's my fault. That can't be a coincidence."

Concerned about this strange malignancy, Josh went to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to try to determine what was causing all his girlfriends to gain weight.

"All our scans were negative," said Dr. Rumbaugher of the Mayo Clinic, "we could find nothing that would cause this behavior in women. We did find a strange tumor that we were able to remove. We thought maybe the tumor was sending out some sort of brainwave signals to women's brains that told their bodies to gain weight."

"That was a year ago, and it didn't change anything," Josh said, "I am still making them gain weight. why is this happening to me?"

"Josh came to me a few months ago, concerned that he was bad for society," said Lucy Greentower, of the Natural Herbs and Indigenous Medicine Clinic. "I heard his story, and had one word for him: pheromones. Everyone knows how pheromones cause the opposite sex to become excited. And the wonders of aromatherapy have taught us many other moods can be evoked through our sense of smell. I told Josh that I thought something in his sweat was sending signals that told women's bodies to store more energy as fat. I told him it is probably something in his diet or environment.

"The first step was detoxification. I gave him purifying agents that leech toxins from fat cells, where they are stored, and send them out the sweat glands. I also gave an invigorating scrubbing to his lymph nodes with charcoal and an herbal cocktail. Finally, several enemas and a fiber blast cleaned out his gastro intestinal system.

"I then looked to his environment. All EM field generators, such as microwaves and televisions, had to go. I pulled up the carpet and threw out his furniture, since they are breeding grounds for harmful bacteria. Now he sleeps on a bed of live ferns."

"Ever since the change, things have gotten worse," said Josh, "now CIndy complains that we can't go out because I might get toxins from smoke and car exhaust. And now that there's no TV, there's nothing to do in my apartment except eat or have sex. And she won't have sex because she says the ferns scratch her."

We interviewed Cindy to find out what was wrong. We met her for lunch at Johnny Rockets soda fountain. "I keep gaining weight, and it's all his fault," she told us between mouthfuls of burger and ranch covered fries, "you can't put food in front of a fat girl. How stupid is he? I would lose a lot of weight if it weren't for him. And the worst part is he is still skinny, while I get fatter."

Fat Acceptance America spokesperson Risa Brye said "He should be proud of the signals he sends out. 60% of America is plus sized. To me, that means we are the normal sized, and 40% of America is underweight. We could do with less skinny judgmental bitches in the world."

"She keeps gaining weight; even though I did all this for her, I can't stop it." Josh lamented. "What is wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this evil disease? How can I in good conscience date anyone again? I can't - not if everyone I date is going to gain weight, and it's my fault. Why God Why! What have I done? What have those poor women done to deserve me making them gain weight?"

We don't know Josh. There is so much of the world we don't understand yet. Something about you obviously makes women gain weight. We wish you luck on your plans to move to the jungle to remove yourself from society. It is the right thing to do. Hopefully you won't make the monkeys fat as well.

A Message From Our Sponsor: Flamco Paint

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN:

CUSTOMER:

(On stage in separate locations, as one talks the other freezes)

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

We received the following letter from one of our customers:

CUSTOMER

Dear Flamco. I have a restaurant that is losing money. I have tried every cost saving measure I can think of but nothing works. What can I do? Can you help me? Signed, Jordan Easter.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hi Jordan, have we got a solution for you. Just repaint your restaurant with New Flamco Ultra Flammable interior paint. Flamco Ultra is four times as flammable as leading brands. And twice as flammable as our previous Five Alarm brand paint. That's ten alarms for the price of one!

CUSTOMER

You mean burn it down for the insurance money? Isn't that dangerous? On TV they always catch you.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Great question Jordan, but don't worry. Unlike traditional accelerants such as gasoline, Flamco Ultra Flammable Paint is just 100% pure paint. So it's not traceable by arson investigators. No one will ever know.

(later)

CUSTOMER

(holding check)

Thanks Flamco! I just got a big check from my insurance company, and now I can start over. I couldn't have done this without you. And even better, I just found out that next week my ailing mother is writing me out of her will, but I'm repainting her house tomorrow! Thanks Flamco!

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Flamco paint. Until the US makes murder legal like the Netherlands, think Flamco. For all your flammable paint needs.

(blackout)