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Monday, February 28, 2005

Local Man Causes Fatness in Women

Josh Howard, local Starbucks Barista, causes women to gain weight - according to all his ex girlfriends.

"I used to think it was just that psychopath, Lisa," he told us, "she kept saying 'I'm gaining weight, and it's your fault.' I figured, yeah whatever, she was just making excuses, ya know? She was like that, always playing the victim.

"But then after I dated Heather for awhile, she said the exact same thing. She said we kept going out to eat, and because food was in front of her she ate it, and it was my fault because I was the one that paid. I thought, well maybe it's just a coincidence, right?

"But since then, three other girls I've dated told me it's my fault they are getting fat. Just last week Cindy, the girl I'm seeing now, told me that I better stop making her fat or she's breaking up with me.

"I am really worried. All the girls I date just can't stop eating, and they all tell me it's my fault. That can't be a coincidence."

Concerned about this strange malignancy, Josh went to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to try to determine what was causing all his girlfriends to gain weight.

"All our scans were negative," said Dr. Rumbaugher of the Mayo Clinic, "we could find nothing that would cause this behavior in women. We did find a strange tumor that we were able to remove. We thought maybe the tumor was sending out some sort of brainwave signals to women's brains that told their bodies to gain weight."

"That was a year ago, and it didn't change anything," Josh said, "I am still making them gain weight. why is this happening to me?"

"Josh came to me a few months ago, concerned that he was bad for society," said Lucy Greentower, of the Natural Herbs and Indigenous Medicine Clinic. "I heard his story, and had one word for him: pheromones. Everyone knows how pheromones cause the opposite sex to become excited. And the wonders of aromatherapy have taught us many other moods can be evoked through our sense of smell. I told Josh that I thought something in his sweat was sending signals that told women's bodies to store more energy as fat. I told him it is probably something in his diet or environment.

"The first step was detoxification. I gave him purifying agents that leech toxins from fat cells, where they are stored, and send them out the sweat glands. I also gave an invigorating scrubbing to his lymph nodes with charcoal and an herbal cocktail. Finally, several enemas and a fiber blast cleaned out his gastro intestinal system.

"I then looked to his environment. All EM field generators, such as microwaves and televisions, had to go. I pulled up the carpet and threw out his furniture, since they are breeding grounds for harmful bacteria. Now he sleeps on a bed of live ferns."

"Ever since the change, things have gotten worse," said Josh, "now CIndy complains that we can't go out because I might get toxins from smoke and car exhaust. And now that there's no TV, there's nothing to do in my apartment except eat or have sex. And she won't have sex because she says the ferns scratch her."

We interviewed Cindy to find out what was wrong. We met her for lunch at Johnny Rockets soda fountain. "I keep gaining weight, and it's all his fault," she told us between mouthfuls of burger and ranch covered fries, "you can't put food in front of a fat girl. How stupid is he? I would lose a lot of weight if it weren't for him. And the worst part is he is still skinny, while I get fatter."

Fat Acceptance America spokesperson Risa Brye said "He should be proud of the signals he sends out. 60% of America is plus sized. To me, that means we are the normal sized, and 40% of America is underweight. We could do with less skinny judgmental bitches in the world."

"She keeps gaining weight; even though I did all this for her, I can't stop it." Josh lamented. "What is wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this evil disease? How can I in good conscience date anyone again? I can't - not if everyone I date is going to gain weight, and it's my fault. Why God Why! What have I done? What have those poor women done to deserve me making them gain weight?"

We don't know Josh. There is so much of the world we don't understand yet. Something about you obviously makes women gain weight. We wish you luck on your plans to move to the jungle to remove yourself from society. It is the right thing to do. Hopefully you won't make the monkeys fat as well.