Please Visit the new location for this site!: We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Kerry Kicks Off Demoralization Tour 2005

One of our reporters accompanied Senator John Kerry in his Demoralization 2005 tour, which started this week in Baghdad.

"What is sad about what's happening here now is that so much of it is a process of catching up from the enormous miscalculations and wrong judgments made in the beginning," he told the troops. He also accused the Commander in Chief of "horrendous judgments" and "unbelievable blunders."

"It indeed is demoralizing to the enemy that you're still here," he went on, "I can't believe so many of you are still alive; I thought for sure we'd have a 90% mortality rate, instead of the lowest mortality than of any war in history. But that doesn't mean it will stay that way. Mark my words, all of you will die if we don't stop Bush and Rumsfeld. Go US Troops!

"And since you will probably die, since our supply lines are so shoddy, and none of you have armor, look in the mirror now and tell yourself you deserve it. Because you are all war criminals. Even though we've had less civilians die in this war than in any other, that's not good enough. Yes that's right, because this is an illegal war, and you are all guilty and deserve to be punished. Go US Troops!

"In an effort to support the troops, I am lobbying to change the US military code of justice. No longer will the US military be allowed to shoot at people when they aren't looking. First the soldier or Marine must identify himself, stand up out in the open, and request the surrender of the so-called enemy. In fact, we will line up and fight in formation. That is the only honorable way to fight a war. I have also spent some of my own wife's personal fortune to buy handcuffs for you all, so you can wear them and the fighting will be more fair. Go US Troops!

"Let's rock out! Let's get demoralized! This is Demoralization 2005!"

Other speakers Kerry brought with him included Carol King of Pacifists for Soldiers, who said, "My organization is pro-military. We support our troops! That is why we help investigate any claim of abuse by the insurgents. We must assume the US military personnel are guilty and sequester them until the investigation is completed. This proves to the world our objectivity so they won't all hate us. We need to protect the good troops from the bloodthirsty maniacal civilian killers. Therefore, we are setting up a hotline here in Baghdad. Any insurgents that feel they have been oppressed by the US military can call our hotline and we will investigate it. Go US Troops!

"We also want to stop the despicable practice of taking photos of prisoners. This is tantamount to torture. In an effort to help out our soldiers, we also post pictures of our undercover special operations warriors, so that the Iraqi insurgents will know who they are. Going undercover and sneaking around breeds mistrust, which is not what we need right now, the Iraqis should know what our soldiers look like. Go US Troops!"

Bob Goldwinn representing the Quakers said "As you may know, we Quakers are pacifists. As pacifists, we cannot interfere in evil regimes oppressing people. But neither can we stand idly by and watch the US invade other countries illegally. With that in mind, we are proud to announce our partnership with Doctors Without Borders in a food and medical supply drive to help the insurgents, just like we gave medical aid to the North Koreans during the Korean War. After all, these are not bad guys, they just disagree with us. Go US Troops!"

"I'm really glad Kerry came," said PFC Brad Johnson of Alabama after the speeches. "I was starting to think things were going well, the people were for us and not for the terrorists, we're getting more recruits wanting to join the Iraqi Police forces, and we're about to have elections. Boy, I'm glad John Kerry set me straight."

"I was just thinking about how we have armor for our trucks," said Sgt. Todd Buster, "but I realized I should believe the media, not my own eyes."

"I was going to go home to my wife and kids," said Major Benedict Birmingham, "but how can I now that I know I am a war criminal? I didn't think I was, but now thanks to Kerry I know we all are. Well luckily according to him this was is a quagmire and we're all going to die anyway. Curse my baby killing hide!"

"Make no doubt about it, I support our troops," Kerry concluded, "I support you guys, the good guys. That is why I have to protect you from the bad among you, that give the rest of you a bad name, the ones that put their comrades' lives ahead of the people we're supposedly protecting. That's also why I voted against providing you with armor and equipment, because without it, the war will go worse for you, and you will get to go home sooner, well some of you at least, the ones that make it back. I'm doing this for you. Go US Troops!

"Woo hoo! Let's go! Demoralization 2005!"