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Articles for this week's Archive

This Week In Pictures 2
Media Laments Survival of Operators
Libertarian Party Teaches Refugees to Fish
Religious Groups Flood Indonesia
Mujahideen Getting Sloppy
MLK Rolls Over In Grave
Local Idiot Learns About Frostbite
CBS Fears Report May Be Forged

Friday, January 21, 2005

This Week In Pictures 2

Seen here playing their favorite game, "Cowboys and Indians," the President dodges an arrow running for cover while the First Lady shoots her Colt revolver. Not pictured are the "Indians," Dick and Lynn Cheney, and Dick's personal "medicine man."

The real reason Judge Rehnquist got off his sick bed to perform the inaugural services.

In what has been described as a "breakthrough" in panda repopulation, scientists deduce that the reason for the low libido and birthrate of panda bears may be due to alcoholism.

Stan Lee tries out for remake of Saturday Night Fever.

Fashion Police arrest another woman for wearing too much pink, which was last year's color. This officer was so horrified he had to close his eyes.

To show support for the troops, DC police offer free hernia checks to soldiers.

Bush supporter, with tape over mouth to symbolize oppression and censorship, uses her freedom of speech to demonstrate freedom Iraqis did not have two years ago. Either that or Bush protestor uses her freedom of speech to demonstrate she doesn't know what the words mean.

Jenna Bush waves to Ozzie Ozbourne during the Inaugural celebration

"I'm crushing your head!" Dr. Rice said, frustrated with Senator Boxer's allegations of lying. Later Senator Boxer told us "I don't know why she was upset. I just said she was a house slave who couldn't think for herself, just like Powell and Clarence Thomas."

Senator Robert Byrd managed to delay Dr. Rice's appointment until next week, saying "It will be a cold day in hell before I let that ***** ****** ****** become the ***** Secretary of the ***** State. God made made the races separate for a reason, so the strongest would rule over the rest." In response, the New York Times re-ran a story from several years ago about Trent Lott paying Strom Thurmond a compliment.

Demonstrators protest sending troops to fight in Iraq. Jeann Guavara, pictured at left, told us "Violence is wrong. Why are our men over there when there's capitalists right here that must be killed before they commit more violence?"

Isn't that the Syrian "peace" agent we met last week for "fact checking?" I see he likes the nice rooftop spot we got him overlooking the inauguration.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Media Laments Survival of Operators

"We just don't know what to do anymore," said Lance Brickhower, of the Associated Press, "it seems no matter how hard we try, we can't get these guys killed." We were interviewing Lance in Paris about some of the recent news stories detailing covert operators or operations.

"A few weeks ago," he said, "we printed pictures of several SEALs, showing their faces to all the world. Were there any rewards offered for their death? No. Were any of them in danger? No. In fact, I just received word they are all still alive!

"Then last week I helped Seymour Hersh tell the world about our Special Operations Warriors that are active performing reconnaissance duty in Iran, supposedly looking for evidence of nuclear weapon technology. And from my sources in Iran, so far none of our guys have been caught! Even though we wrote in the article they were not only looking for nuclear technology, but probably part of some dastardly plot to overthrow the Iranian government and impose democracy on them, which they don't want or understand. Why haven't the Iranians caught them yet?

"Even Valerie Plame is still walking around.

"It used to be so easy. During the Vietnam war, we easily managed to get contracts put out on men such as Carlos Hathcock, Donald Hamblen, and Richard Marcinko. All we had to do was pass intelligence through our 'news reports' to the NVA, and bam! instant hit contract.

"Now it's like we have to paint a big bullseye in the desert.

"That is not to mention the damn Pentagon. That was very sneaky of them to put embedded journalists in. They said it was so journalists would be up close and be able to report the truth. Ha! Really it was so they'd get Helsinki Syndrome, or in facist mil-speak, esprit de corps, and our poor journalists would get brainwashed and not report about the horrible deaths our military was causing, instead only reporting propaganda. This made our job very hard.

"We have to unfortunately use our plan number two: keep printing all the negative news from Iraq but none of the good, to hopefully keep reminding Americans that while not all war is bad, all wars we happened to get involved in are bad. Maybe that way if the war drags out more of our guys will die and we'll be forced to leave. Then the world will know we were right!

"It seems like we always have to fall back on that plan in every conflict.

"Remember, we're only doing this for the troops."

[Update: 10:38 am - ed]

We sought out Mary Mapes to find out what is the next step in her career. We got to talking about our interview published this morning with Lance Brickhower about the media's unsuccessful attempts to get US servicemen killed. We learned Mapes has inside knowledge of some of the future plans of the Columbia School of Journalism.

"Actually, what Lance doesn't know is we have a plan," she told us. "I have signed up to work with the Columbia School of Journalism. We have instituted a new program to build several on-location schools in other parts of the world. This was necessary to get our young reporters out from under the influence of the conservative media like CBS. They get to see other people's lives and learn that America is not only not the only way, but that no country is better than any other. (Well except the US I guess, we're worse).

"These schools, or madrassahs, if you will, also teach our journalists how to survive. As you can see in this video, we teach them escape and evasion, and how to resist brainwashing and torture. That way, when they are embedded with US servicemen, they can resist developing feelings for them and objectively report on their war crimes.

"We also show them how to talk to freedom fighters and minutemen, to show them we are impartial and on the side of truth, which just happens to be their side as well. This worked great for the French journalists who were just released, and those hawks in Washington say we shouldn't give terrorists what they want!

"Finally, we teach them how to defend themselves in court when they give away the locations and identities of US personnel. It is our duty to expose war criminals. Yes, now is a great time to be a journalist. It is a time of great change. It is sad that so many US personnel will die, but we have to do this. It is not our fault, it is Bush's fault. We are doing our duty as Americans."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Libertarian Party Teaches Refugees to Fish

In the wake of the South Asian Tsunami, many groups have poured in to help the refugees. One group is the Libertarian Party of America. We interviewed Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian Party's candidate for US President in 2004, in Aceh, Indonesia, about how the Libertarians are bringing their unique brand of help to this suffering region.

"As I sit here in Aceh," he said, "I am reminded of these ancient words: give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. This is what we Libertarians believe in, and how we conduct our charity. We don't simply give food and medical supplies away to these people, but rather we train them on how to provide for themselves. With the fishing it is easy, many of the men in this village have been fishing all their lives.

"Training them to be doctors is taking a little longer though."

As we looked around, we saw tsunami refugees fishing, their starved bodies barely strong enough to haul the nets in. Unfortunately due to the tsunami, it seems mostly garbage and debris get caught in their nets, rather than fish.

"The death toll keeps rising. With the small amount of fish, and devastation of any agriculture from the wave, it's very difficult to help these people feed themselves," Badnarik said over our lunch of shrimp cocktail and Australian Chiraz. "I'd say so far we've fed about 25% of the survivors, it's difficult but we are not just trying to help them survive, but help them to keep living in the long term."

He also showed us some of the makeshift hospitals that were set up. We saw bodies of many dead and dying people in the tents. "Where are the doctors?" we asked.

"The doctors are still being trained," he said, and brought us to the school, which was a tent with a few doctors from the UN up front and a number of Indonesians writing furiously in their notebooks. "We are very proud of our medical school. Normally it takes years to become a doctor, but we're boiling emergency medicine down to a few weeks. Then we can send these new doctors out to train others.

"We like to think of ourselves as 'force multipliers.'

"Here, would you like some extra malaria pills? These things are like candy, I just can't stop."

We also saw new construction and houses being built. We watched a group of Indonesians who hadn't eaten in days take an hour to pull the side of a house up, with UN civilian contractors watching and directing. The houses appeared even to our untrained eyes as not being quite up to code. We learned later that there had been several collapses and fires among the new construction.

"We cannot just give them charity or help," Badnarik explained, "if we do that they will not learn from their mistakes - they will become dependent on us. Then what will happen to them when we leave?"

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Religious Groups Flood Indonesia

With the humanitarian disaster in south Asia, many NGOs, have traveled to Indonesia to help, including religious groups interested in helping the soul as well as the body.

Of the Muslim groups, one such group is Laskar Mujahidin. Their refugee camp has signs posted with "Islamic Law Enforcement" written on them. "We spent a lot of time killing Christians the past decade," Muhammed Al-Ackbar, spokesman for the group told us, "but we realized we were getting a lot of bad press internationally for this. Then when this tidal wave hit, it was like a gift from Allah. We could simply take over the areas where they live and make them dependent on us.

"For instance, see that woman in the burkha over there? She used to be a doctor. She even tried to help some of the people injured in the wave. It makes me sick. Now she is my housewife and stays inside. She is happier now than she ever was, and during those times I allow her to speak, she doesn't complain at all. Just think, if the tsunami didn't hit, she would be living an unhappy life defying the will of Allah."

"I now know I was defying the will of Allah, the merciful," said Looklee, a fisherman, "but Laskar Mujahidin helped me, after cutting off my hands, to realize how merciful and peaceful Allah is, and how I will be forgiven. My sin? Oh yes, I watched the devil's instrument, the satellite television. Back before the wave when we had television. Thank Allah the blessed and merciful that my home, along with the infernal satellite dish, has been destroyed. And even better, with no hands anymore I cannot work, so will be dependent on Allah to provide, thus reminding me of his benevolence every day.

"Can you get me the hell out of here?"

One of the Christian groups is WorldHelp, which is building an orphanage for hundreds of children who lost their parents, where they will also receive a Christian education. "This tsunami is a gift from God," said Jeremy Blaind, coordinator of their Indonesian division. "This is a perfect opportunity for us to swoop in and start converting people. All we need to do is tell them God is punishing them for worshipping their false prophet, and he will send another wave if they don't convert. These children would have grown up Muslim, but thank God their parents' died.

"Hey Jundi," he said to one of the children, "do you call these shoes shined?"

"I like the new people," Jundi later told us, "they tell us Jesus died because of the Jews, who also persecute Muslims. And that Jesus wants us to work hard making clothes like the Apostle Paul made tents. I even get a bowl of rice a day, which was more than I had to eat before. At least they let me read here, which is better than the Laskhar Mujahideen camp. My friend JooJoo lives there - they banned reading."

Fundamentalist Mormons are also pouring into Indonesia to help.

"With this tsunami, so many parents have died that there are many young girls that need help," said John Hathaway of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS). "When I think of all those young, starving, supple women, I cannot help but cry. We asked ourselves, who would love them and take care of them? And love them? ...

"... Excuse me, sorry I zoned out for a minute there. What were we talking about?

"Oh yes the tsunami. Since we are being run of out El Dorado, and there are so many orphaned young women in need, this seemed like a perfect place for us to live. In the US we are persecuted, but here, no one bats an eyelash if I want to marry a few 12 year old girls. And since my youngest wife is already 16, I really need to find a younger one. Sixteen my God I feel like I'm married to my grandma.

"God has truly blessed us by killing these children's parents.

"Also, groups like Laskar Mujahidin were very happy to learn of our stockpile of weapons and 50 caliber machine guns and special kool-aid. They also are persecuted by the government for their religious beliefs and called 'terrorists.' But together we can build a better Indonesia, where we finally have the weapons we need to defend our way of life, and where no girl over 12 goes unmarried."

Monday, January 17, 2005

Mujahideen Getting Sloppy

Yesterday eighty prisoners in Afghanistan were released. Afghan Chief Justice Fazl Hadi Shinwari congratulated them on their freedom and told them to be grateful to return to their families.

Today eighty-one terrorists were caught in Iraq.

Coincidence? Apparently not.

"This is evidence they are getting tired and sloppy," said Marine Master Sgt. Butch Thunder, "they were only released one day and already were captured again. We expected them to at least last a few weeks. They barely even put up a fight.

"This just shows they are not as committed as the liberal media made them out to be. They are weakening, and now is the time for us to take advantage of their weakness."

When asked about the extra terrorist caught, the Master Sgt. said "These men have been stuck in prison with only each other for a couple years now. There's a lot of missing sheep around here. I'll leave it at that."

MLK Rolls Over In Grave

Jesse Jackson, in a speech to a church in Jonesboro, GA, said "War, poverty, violence and social injustice are dampening Martin Luther King Jr.'s legacy.

"Certainly, my race-baiting and grandstanding have only helped his legacy.

"It's easy to admire Dr. King," Jackson told the 650 people at the church. "It's a challenge to follow him.

"That's why I gave up following him.

"Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man, but come on, his time, his ideas, have passed. Life was easier for us back in the 60s. It was easy to say we should be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our skin. But now life is much harder. We know that color-blind justice can never be achieved, so the only way to get what we want is to allow ourselves to be judged by the color of our skin, except we also will do some judging of our own!

"We also need to end the war in Iraq. We have to fight for our own freedom, screw everyone else. Those darkie sand people can fight for their freedom, or be enslaved by dictators. I don't care, because it's not my war! Say it with me!"

Louis Farrakhan also spoke, saying "Martin Luther King, Jr. was not a conservative, as Whitey would have you believe. I say he was a Democratic Socialist, and now I say what we need is a new National Democratic Socialist Party. It is the capitalists, Jews and the communists that have held African Americans down. That is why I issued the Final Call. And when it is answered, we will implement the Final Solution."

Local Idiot Learns About Frostbite

Peoria, IL native George McDufus learned something new this week: that 2nd degree frostbite looks just like a 2nd degree burn. He learned this the hard way, not outside in the cold, but inside his apartment.

"I pulled a muscle last week while walking across the street," he told us as we interviewed him lying in his bed, "I was just walking and bam! It felt like a rubber band snapped in my leg and I couldn't walk on it anymore.

"So the next day I was basically an invalid. Luckily for me there was a K9-5 marathon on Animal Planet. Have you seen that show? It's so cool.

"K9-5, up at the crack of dawn
K9-5, workin on and on
You love your job
It feels great to be alive
Workin like a dog

"Yeah that show is great.

"Oh yeah, my leg. Anyway I had this ice pack to put on my leg to take the pain away. Well, I didn't wrap it in a towel since I figured the towel will absorb the cold, right? And I used these velcro elastic bands to hold it on my leg since it was on the back of my leg.

"So I'm sitting there watching K9-5 with this ice pack strapped to my leg. Did you know there is a drug dog in England that is so successful that a crime boss actually put out a contract on him?

"Oh yeah, my leg. Anyway yeah so you know how it can hurt when you put ice against you since it's so cold. Well it really hurt, I mean oddly enough it felt like it was burning. But I figured, you know, real men don't feel pain, right? So I just toughed it out for 30 minutes. I am a believer in ignoring pain.

"So the next day, my leg really hurts, and I look down, and it is all red and scarred in a perfect square, right where the ice pack was. It even had blisters and everything. I wasn't sure what happened. Then I looked it up on the web, and realized I had 2nd degree frostbite.

"I think it's kinda cool how the freezing felt just like burning, and it even looks like a 2nd degree burn. I feel like I really learned something. Maybe I'll write a medical paper on it, who knows maybe it will make me famous.

"Though next time I think if my leg feels like it's burning I will remove whatever is causing the pain. I don't know though, I don't want to be a wimp about it."

Sunday, January 16, 2005

CBS Fears Report May Be Forged

This week CBS replaced it's PDF file of the Thornburgh-Boccardi report with another PDF that was locked so readers could not copy and paste parts out of it. The reason they gave was:

To allow copying of text to applications such as Word would allow anyone to create a modified or falsified report, which we cannot allow.

We sought further clarification, so we contacted Ralph Simiansee of CBS's legal department.

"Ever since the Thornburgh-Boccardi report came out, we were worried about forgery of the report," he told us, "Anyone could copy and paste and change the wording."

"But couldn't you just point to the original report?" we asked.

"Well that's the problem," he responded, "if you read the report, even though two of the most respected typography experts in the country proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would be impossible for the reports to be typed since no equipment existed that could do it, the panel still couldn't conclude that they were forgeries. If that is true, how can we prove someone else's forgery is a forgery? Just by pointing to our website where the original report was? How would you know which one is the original? One thing is for sure, you can't prove anything."

The report has also been having repercussions in other areas of the law.

"I had three cases get dismissed last week," said Secret Service Special Agent Brad Johnson, "the defense pointed to the CBS report and said it is impossible to prove forgery. No matter how much evidence you have that a dollar bill is counterfeit, it is always possible that it is not. For instance, aliens from Zogma might have come back with dollar bills from the future and unwittingly spent them.

"It is really aggravating. Look at these two dollar bills. The one on the left is the real one, the one on the right is obviously counterfeit. Look at it, it looks fake even to a non-expert like you. But the problem is ever since the CBS report, I can't prove it's counterfeit in a court of law. Since apparently the standard for counterfeit evidence has changed, and not instead of reasonable doubt, no matter how many experts agree with you, as long as there is some minute possibility, no matter how unreasonable, then you can't say it's counterfeit."

"I had to go out of business," said Amarnath Tamil, owner of an import/export business. "One of my buyers paid me $20,000 in counterfeit bills. When I tried to collect damages, he countersued me, saying I had to take the counterfeit money. In court, his defense lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, used the new Thornburg-Boccardi standard, which says it's impossible to determine forgeries. The court sided with them, and I had to take the money. Obviously my bank wouldn't accept it, the Secret Service can't touch it anymore, and I am out $20,000. I am ruined.

"Those damn aliens, coming back in time and making it impossible to prove anything!"

"We are really disappointed in this blatant disregard of human rights," said Pacifists for Understanding Criminals representative Julie Love. "To even believe that such a thing as forgery exists is blatantly racist. The idea that money or documents must be 'investigated' or 'vetted' is an insult to the person paying. We should trust people more, and always believe everything everyone says, except what neocons say, because they are vicious and hateful and liars. But to ask for this 'evidence' of anyone else is to call them a liar.

"That's why we are lobbying Congress to eliminate the Secret Service and any FBI and police lab workers that are supposed 'experts' in 'forgery.' There's no such thing as forgery, there's only hate and bias against the Left and minorities."