Please Visit the new location for this site!: We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Thanksgiving Made Illegal

This past Thanksgiving will be the last. After a multi-year struggle, the ACLU finally won a Supreme Court battle to make the holiday of Thanksgiving illegal. Their argument centered around the first amendment's prohibition on the establishment of religion.

"The holiday of Thanksgiving is perhaps the most pernicious of all," said Heimer Weisenstein, the ACLU attorney who handled the case. "The idea that we need to thank some jealous, capricious God for milestones that we ourselves accomplished, is insulting.

"No longer will POWs or pilots who were shot down be able to thank God for their survival on tv. Imagine their arrogance, just because they almost died, mentioning God like that. They suffered to protect people's freedom from having hurt feelings, and then they come back and do that."

"Why should we remember loser pilgrims who thought God should be credited with their survival?" said Barry Goldturd, President of Atheists For Ruining Everything. "We should be celebrating those Pilgrims that said 'get lost God, I am the master of my own destiny and don't need help from you or any stinking Indians.' Those are the true heroes - the ones who were so confident in themselves, that they gave the Native Americans smallpox just to make surviving harder without their help."

"It was so hard, every year having to hear about God," said Betsy Cowardson, President of Atheists With Easily Hurt Feelings. "Even my own daughter said 'God bless you' once when I sneezed, can you believe that? I called the school and complained right away. Who is teaching her that kind of language? Doesn't anyone have any respect anymore?"

The new holiday being proposed is called Personal Affirmation Day. Instead of thanking God, or each other, people are encouraged to talk about their accomplishments over the previous year.

"By focusing on ourselves and not others, it will help build confidence in a decade where more self help books were sold than ever before," said Robert Cottonears, President of Nietzscheans Against the Poor. "Now, if we can only get that show Andromeda shown in schools."

On a related note, FOX News has changed its theme music. It is now called "Jesus, Jehovah, Allah, Fuck Yeah!"