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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Bush Punishes Tenet for Bad Iraq Intelligence

Yesterday President Bush strangled former CIA Director George Tenet at an award ceremony where Tenet, former Iraq administrator L. Paul Bremer and retired General Tommy Franks were to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

"First he guts the CIA during the previous administration. Then last year I told Tenet it would be the last time he gave me bad intelligence reports," Bush said about the lack of WMDs found in Iraq. "So I made good on that promise."

When asked about his plan, the President told us, "Tenet has been avoiding me ever since he resigned, so I haven't been able to get him alone. I think he thought I was just going to open up a can of whoop-ass on him for not supporting me enough on the Iraq war.

"Then, while watching Cops, I saw this episode where they tell the criminals that they've won a cruise, then when they show up the cops arrest them. I thought, what a good idea. I'll just tell Tenet that he's getting an award, that way I'll get him in the same room as me.

"He didn't even see it coming, he thought the cameras would protect him. Some on my staff were worried about prosecution, but as his last act I had Ashcroft declare Tenet an enemy combatant. Then, since he had no uniform, Tenet would be considered a spy, and according to the Geneva Convention would be subject to summary execution. So it all worked out.

"I told him 'Don't Mess With Texas.' He should have listened."

After the execution, Bush threw the three medals in the garbage. "Sorry guys," he said to Bremer and Franks, "they're just political party favors. They really don't mean anything. I mean, did you really think Tenet was getting a medal? Hey, maybe y'all would like some nice pens? I still have a bunch that say 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' on the side."

Just before choking him, Bush was overheard whispering to Tenet "I find your lack of faith disturbing."