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Thursday, December 09, 2004

Dances With Neocons

The BBC has begun filming a documentary in rural America in an attempt to understand the elusive "red state" American.

"Little is known about these Red State Americans," said BBC News World Affairs Correspondent Humphrey Hawksley. "But they are thought to have less teeth, yet more fingers and toes, than the average American known and loved throughout the rest of the world.

"We have taken many precautions before sending our team in. For instance, a full spectrum of inoculations has been given, and we've also scheduled dangerous animal handling training, in case some wild specimens are discovered. Finally we have therapists to help relieve stress and fear in our team, which is very high right now."

"My wife is very much against me going," said Terence Cooper, cinematographer for the expedition. "We've heard all sorts of stories about the rural US, like the natives dress in white sheets dancing around bonfires, and shoot anyone else who isn't one of them on sight. I am quite scared myself, but we must search for the truth."

"I am an atheist, and a gay man," said Beverly, a production assistant who would not give his last name. "I am quivering in my kickers right now. I heard they take men like me and tie them to the back of these 'pick ups', whatever those are, and drag us behind them for kilometers. An utter savage bunch if you ask me."

"I am really hoping we can bring back a specimen," said Lindsey Warden, an Oxford anthropology professor. "The latest theories say that the red state Americans have been living in isolation for thousands of years, which is why they are obviously so backwards and most probably inbred. But if we could capture and bring back a live one, assuming we could control it, it would advance research by years. Perhaps we may even find the missing link between human and ape we have searched for all these years."

"The poor stupid creatures," Hawksley added, "It's a tragedy really, unlike most Europeans, I truly feel sorry for them and hope we can re-educate them all, and bring them into our enlightened progressive culture. That would be a lot of work, but I think that's better than the Netherlands, whose government wants to mercifully put them all down."