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Sunday, January 16, 2005

CBS Fears Report May Be Forged

This week CBS replaced it's PDF file of the Thornburgh-Boccardi report with another PDF that was locked so readers could not copy and paste parts out of it. The reason they gave was:

To allow copying of text to applications such as Word would allow anyone to create a modified or falsified report, which we cannot allow.

We sought further clarification, so we contacted Ralph Simiansee of CBS's legal department.

"Ever since the Thornburgh-Boccardi report came out, we were worried about forgery of the report," he told us, "Anyone could copy and paste and change the wording."

"But couldn't you just point to the original report?" we asked.

"Well that's the problem," he responded, "if you read the report, even though two of the most respected typography experts in the country proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would be impossible for the reports to be typed since no equipment existed that could do it, the panel still couldn't conclude that they were forgeries. If that is true, how can we prove someone else's forgery is a forgery? Just by pointing to our website where the original report was? How would you know which one is the original? One thing is for sure, you can't prove anything."

The report has also been having repercussions in other areas of the law.

"I had three cases get dismissed last week," said Secret Service Special Agent Brad Johnson, "the defense pointed to the CBS report and said it is impossible to prove forgery. No matter how much evidence you have that a dollar bill is counterfeit, it is always possible that it is not. For instance, aliens from Zogma might have come back with dollar bills from the future and unwittingly spent them.

"It is really aggravating. Look at these two dollar bills. The one on the left is the real one, the one on the right is obviously counterfeit. Look at it, it looks fake even to a non-expert like you. But the problem is ever since the CBS report, I can't prove it's counterfeit in a court of law. Since apparently the standard for counterfeit evidence has changed, and not instead of reasonable doubt, no matter how many experts agree with you, as long as there is some minute possibility, no matter how unreasonable, then you can't say it's counterfeit."

"I had to go out of business," said Amarnath Tamil, owner of an import/export business. "One of my buyers paid me $20,000 in counterfeit bills. When I tried to collect damages, he countersued me, saying I had to take the counterfeit money. In court, his defense lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, used the new Thornburg-Boccardi standard, which says it's impossible to determine forgeries. The court sided with them, and I had to take the money. Obviously my bank wouldn't accept it, the Secret Service can't touch it anymore, and I am out $20,000. I am ruined.

"Those damn aliens, coming back in time and making it impossible to prove anything!"

"We are really disappointed in this blatant disregard of human rights," said Pacifists for Understanding Criminals representative Julie Love. "To even believe that such a thing as forgery exists is blatantly racist. The idea that money or documents must be 'investigated' or 'vetted' is an insult to the person paying. We should trust people more, and always believe everything everyone says, except what neocons say, because they are vicious and hateful and liars. But to ask for this 'evidence' of anyone else is to call them a liar.

"That's why we are lobbying Congress to eliminate the Secret Service and any FBI and police lab workers that are supposed 'experts' in 'forgery.' There's no such thing as forgery, there's only hate and bias against the Left and minorities."