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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Satire Writers Out Of Work: World Too Crazy

Across the country comedy writers are being laid off, but not because of reality TV. A buzz was generated at the latest National Comedy and Satire Writers' Guild meeting, which took place in Paris, France yesterday, when TV "fake news" anchor Jon Stewart proclaimed "that's it, we're all out of jobs. The real world is nuttier than stuff even I can dream up."

This latest admission came upon news that the UN was appointing a fast-acting, human rights crisis-responding "Action Panel" consisting of, besides Hungary, the nations: China, Zimbabwe, and Cuba. These countries will be responsible for making decisions on what human rights crimes are to be investigated and prosecuted.

"Usually we like when politicians act stupid," Dennis Miller said, "but there at least needs to be some sanity. But nowadays, politicians are so extreme, there's no room for hyperbole. I used to joke that the UN wants to put tyrants and terrorists in charge of human rights monitoring. Now they went and did it."

Nationwide there has been an increase of 50% in unemployment applications among entertainers over the past month. At the Paris conference, which was picked last year when times were better for them, the expensive catering had been replaced with ham sandwiches. And many of the comedians looked like they had slept in the clothes they were wearing.

"China?" said Dennis Miller, "I mean hello, the nation that puts you in prison if you hand a public newspaper to a foreigner? And straps women down and forcibly gives them abortions and sterilizations? Putting them on a human rights watch panel is like giving DeGaulle a prize for humility. Oh they did? Well that's like giving a terrorist that helped kill a school full of children the Noble Peace Prize. What? They did that already? Damn! What is it with these guys?"

"How am I supposed to earn a living?" said current SNL news anchor Tina Fey. "Every time I write commentary about the news, I find out the truth is even worse.

"I was going to write about how the Republicans stole the election in Ohio, but then learned there was widespread fraud suspected in Milwaukee and Philadelphia, where Kerry won by even less. And now the FBI is investigating Milwaukee because of all the dead people that voted there. I didn't think there really was voter fraud, I just thought Boxer was making it up to get headlines."

Between speeches famous comedy writers like Conan O'Brian called on the more fortunate writers to give donations for the less fortunate satire and news-oriented writers, at least until the world gets less crazy.

"And look at Zimbabwe," said former SNL news anchor Norm MacDonald, "where the government encouraged murders of white people, and passed 'land-reform' that is causing mass famine and deaths? Just like every other mass starvation caused by Communist regimes like the Ukraine, USSR, China, North Korea."

Crashing the event was Jeanine Garofalo, who shouted "Our leaders are Nazis. Sure they want to confuse you saying the Nazis were socialists like me. But don't be confused by 'history.' Democracy doesn't work, we need violent revolution. America is a fascist state that takes away our freedom of speech. We are not allowed to speak our minds -"

At this point Garofalo was interrupted by Dennis Miller as he was being dragged away by French police, yelling "Hey where are you taking me? Hey, I can criticize DeGaulle! What about freedom of speech? This is a free country! Oh wait we're in France, damn I forgot it's illegal to criticize government leaders here. Hey!"

While Miller was dragged away we noticed many of the event goers were actually asleep. We woke a few up to find out why, and were told most of them were too weak from not eating. Things are so bad they are not even getting food.

"How can we make fun of a world like this?" asked David Sedaris, "where world leaders, not just kooks, actually believe peace means taking the side of terrorists? These are the same people that condemned the US's working with bad guys during the Cold War. So which is it? I can't possibly top that, I may as well give up. Watch, next the Red Cross will want Saddam released. Aren't there suffering people somewhere for them to help? Hey that's my joke, you can't steal it."

Already the new UN Action Panel has called for President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to be prosecuted for war crimes in Iraq and torture at Guantanamo Bay, which included playing "good cop, bad cop" and playing loud rock "devil's" music, which is offensive to Muslims. They also called for the release of Saddam Hussein, saying he was the target of a hate and propaganda campaign.

"Dammit!" yelled Sedaris when the news wire was read.

"Come on now, this is getting ridiculous," said Stewart, "how am I supposed to make fake news that is better than that? Ok you crazy UN guys, knock it off."