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Thursday, January 20, 2005

Media Laments Survival of Operators

"We just don't know what to do anymore," said Lance Brickhower, of the Associated Press, "it seems no matter how hard we try, we can't get these guys killed." We were interviewing Lance in Paris about some of the recent news stories detailing covert operators or operations.

"A few weeks ago," he said, "we printed pictures of several SEALs, showing their faces to all the world. Were there any rewards offered for their death? No. Were any of them in danger? No. In fact, I just received word they are all still alive!

"Then last week I helped Seymour Hersh tell the world about our Special Operations Warriors that are active performing reconnaissance duty in Iran, supposedly looking for evidence of nuclear weapon technology. And from my sources in Iran, so far none of our guys have been caught! Even though we wrote in the article they were not only looking for nuclear technology, but probably part of some dastardly plot to overthrow the Iranian government and impose democracy on them, which they don't want or understand. Why haven't the Iranians caught them yet?

"Even Valerie Plame is still walking around.

"It used to be so easy. During the Vietnam war, we easily managed to get contracts put out on men such as Carlos Hathcock, Donald Hamblen, and Richard Marcinko. All we had to do was pass intelligence through our 'news reports' to the NVA, and bam! instant hit contract.

"Now it's like we have to paint a big bullseye in the desert.

"That is not to mention the damn Pentagon. That was very sneaky of them to put embedded journalists in. They said it was so journalists would be up close and be able to report the truth. Ha! Really it was so they'd get Helsinki Syndrome, or in facist mil-speak, esprit de corps, and our poor journalists would get brainwashed and not report about the horrible deaths our military was causing, instead only reporting propaganda. This made our job very hard.

"We have to unfortunately use our plan number two: keep printing all the negative news from Iraq but none of the good, to hopefully keep reminding Americans that while not all war is bad, all wars we happened to get involved in are bad. Maybe that way if the war drags out more of our guys will die and we'll be forced to leave. Then the world will know we were right!

"It seems like we always have to fall back on that plan in every conflict.

"Remember, we're only doing this for the troops."

[Update: 10:38 am - ed]

We sought out Mary Mapes to find out what is the next step in her career. We got to talking about our interview published this morning with Lance Brickhower about the media's unsuccessful attempts to get US servicemen killed. We learned Mapes has inside knowledge of some of the future plans of the Columbia School of Journalism.

"Actually, what Lance doesn't know is we have a plan," she told us. "I have signed up to work with the Columbia School of Journalism. We have instituted a new program to build several on-location schools in other parts of the world. This was necessary to get our young reporters out from under the influence of the conservative media like CBS. They get to see other people's lives and learn that America is not only not the only way, but that no country is better than any other. (Well except the US I guess, we're worse).

"These schools, or madrassahs, if you will, also teach our journalists how to survive. As you can see in this video, we teach them escape and evasion, and how to resist brainwashing and torture. That way, when they are embedded with US servicemen, they can resist developing feelings for them and objectively report on their war crimes.

"We also show them how to talk to freedom fighters and minutemen, to show them we are impartial and on the side of truth, which just happens to be their side as well. This worked great for the French journalists who were just released, and those hawks in Washington say we shouldn't give terrorists what they want!

"Finally, we teach them how to defend themselves in court when they give away the locations and identities of US personnel. It is our duty to expose war criminals. Yes, now is a great time to be a journalist. It is a time of great change. It is sad that so many US personnel will die, but we have to do this. It is not our fault, it is Bush's fault. We are doing our duty as Americans."