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Monday, January 03, 2005

Bush to Marines: Stop Taking Names

President Bush made a special address to the armed forces this week. "I know in the past I have exhorted you to kick ass and take names. You have all done a remarkable job. Your ass kicking is really exemplarany, and your name taking has helped us investigate, track down, and destroy terrorist cells.

"However, I now have a new exhortation to exhort. Stop taking names. Those names those middle easterners have are just too hard. What with the Mohammeds, the Ali Babas and the Jar Jar Binkses - I am just having too hard a time with them. And frankly, it's making me look bad in front of the Democrats. They're saying 'Bush kicks ass and take names - Then he mispronounce the names.'

"I don't understand some of these names. When I first read of the 'moolahs' running Iran, I thought 'money runs Iran? Well duh, money runs the world.' Only later I was told the moolahs are people. Heh heh, You can imagine how embarrassing that was.

"You can still kick their asses, just don't take their names. Or if you do, don't put their names in the report.

"The boys are really going to be disappointed," said Marine Corp Major General Butch Thunderbolt, "They are really fond of the Taking of the Names. Of course, we'll still have the Kicking of the Asses, and that is where the real fun lies."

"One of the first things we will do when the new Iraqi government is stable," the President said, "is change all their last names to nice American names like Washington and Jefferson."