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Articles for this week's Archive

Finding Pluto: Tough Task? I Rink Rot!
Sgrena Spits On Quattrocchi's Grave
The Week In Pictures 9
Running to the government for protection
Pluto's Predictions 1: The Shield Season 4
Danny Boy, Payback Is Calling
Ding Dong Dan Rather's Gone
Now You Can See Me At Improv Olympic
World Women's Day Around the World
From The Editor 3
We're Not Racist, The Jews Just Want Us To Look That Way
Things Not to Do When Approaching a Military Checkpoint
Italians Beef Up Kidnapping Insurance
Top Ten Motifs of SarahKs Posts at IMAO
American Military Sucks, Italians Fund Terrorism

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Finding Pluto: Tough Task? I Rink Rot!

According to space scientists, Finding Pluto: Tough Task, it is hard ro find me.

Rell, RI am right rhere!

Rey say: "Pluto is currently located at a distance of roughly 2.87 billion miles from both the Earth" Rah the rell rar roo talking rabout? I riv in Chicago.

"We are actually quite fortunate to be living around the time when Pluto is near the perihelion point in its orbit." I don't rav rany crue rhat that means.

"Pluto is being observed by growing numbers of nonprofessional astronomers as well." Rell I ram good rooking. Maybe instead of robserving rey should grive me treats!

"This is very nearly as bright as Pluto ever gets" Rey! My raddy says I ram a smart dog! Grrrrrr!

"Those who have access to at least an eight-inch or (preferably) larger telescope..." Rey! I don't sring rat ray! Ra humping ris purely for dominance! Go read a brook ron dog behavrior, drummies.

"Other’s have proposed that Pluto should not be considered a planet, but rather as the 'King of the Kuiper Belt Objects.'" I ram a roggy. Ro Kay? RI don't know rabout ranets, but I rike the ridea rov being called King. I ram already king of ra manor. Daddy rinks he ris, but we know better, right?

"What really makes Pluto most renegade is its eccentric.." Rokay, I ram reccentric. Rand I do rike to tear rup my daddy's furniture. Brut I don't rink rat means roo can call me ra "renegrade". I ram a good doggy! My daddy rays ro!

"after visiting this 'neither fish nor fowl' planet" Rhat? I rike both of rose! I especially rike squirrels ran rats. Rey is rummy! If roo rant to give me rish or roul, go ahead, I rill reat rem. Don't rissen to rose dummy srientists.

Rell, for being so smart, rose srientists sure ris dumb. Getting to know doggies ris not rocket rience. Rust ask me!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Sgrena Spits On Quattrocchi's Grave

Fabrizio Quattrocchi, Italian baker and security guard who was kidnapped by Islamic terrorists and died telling his captors what they could do with themselves, is spinning in his grave. We talked to him through a medium, Ms. Cleo, about Giuliana Sgrena's statement. We played him a tape of some of her statements. Immediately the room started shaking and lights went out.

"I didn't want to live if the ransom meant others would die," he told us, "what makes her special? You did not see me begging for my life.

"She acted stupidly, got caught, and others had to suffer to rescue her. That Sgrena bitch got at least one Italian killed, and soon others will die as well due to bombs purchased with the ransom money.

"But her jumping up and down on my grave and spitting on it? She didn't have to do that. And the orgies at the cemetary? That went a little far. I'm pretty peeved about that."

When we asked Sgrena about this, she said "My release, and the paying of the ransom money, has been a happy ending. Sure, that $8 million EU Italy paid will go towards buying weapons and bombs and killing many other civilians, but hey, I'm alive, and the US can't stand that. See, the US does not care about human life.

"Oh that old fascist Quattrocchi is a moron. This is what i think of him." We then watched her dig him up; then her and her friends from Il-Manifesto took pictures while posing with the body.

The Week In Pictures 9

Some anti-American protestors in Lebanon. Other signs read "YES for the Syrian Inteference"

Fresh from protesting professor Ward Churchill's right to say it's ok to kill Jews, protestors arrive at Harvard to demand the resignation of Simmons for saying there may be differences between the sexes.

Bush's latest karaoke song: "Woah oh, living on a prayer. Take my hand, and we'll make it I swear..."

Anti-Jet vandalism is on the rise.

"And I say-uh, we must protect-uh, the social security-uh! Can I get an Amen!?"

Toyota unveils robots at the World Expot '05 in Nagoya. Saying "This new army of the toyota empire - whoops wrong speech."

Lebanese pro-Syrian protestors can be seen wearing t-shirts saying "I showed up at the rally, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, plus my children returned to me unharmed from Hizbollah."

Bush to Italy: "I got your ransom payment right here!"

After Olinka scared several tourists, officials at the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna consider that having higher fences around the large predators just might be a good idea.

Parents' groups say hazing in Pakistan has really gotten out of control.

Running to the government for protection

A new law may be passed that will limit people's ability to declare bankruptcy. No longer will it depend on medical bills, or if you lost money on a small business.

All across America, people who have made bad financial decisions are running to the government for help. These people are losing money each day because of their mistakes. Now, they are asking the government to help by bailing them out. Too many people are using bankruptcy as an option. Who are these people running to the government for help?


"We started lending to people whose credit reports indicated were horrible credit risks," said Saul Goodfellow of Morgan Chase, "then these people didn't pay us back! I couldn't believe it. After we took a chance on them when no one else would, that is how they repay us, by not repaying us. I mean, when you make risky loans, you are supposed to make a lot of money, not have high risk debtors default on you! Don't they know the rules?

"Whey should we be held accountable just because we made a few bad loans? It's not our fault. A person's credit score only predicts that they will not pay you back. It's not like a crystal ball, how did I know that people's low scores would correlate so much with them not paying us back?"

"It's the shareholders' fault, not mine," said Clyde Johnson, VP of Credit Suisse First Boston, "they wanted better returns on their investment. They are so obsessed with quarterly results. What was I supposed to do? I had to lower standards in order to get higher percentage rates on loans. They made me do it.

"A lot of people are saying it's our own fault, we should have known better. But tell that to my daughter, who's not going to get a new Audi TT cabrio for her 16th birthday. Why should us banks have to suffer? The government should protect us by forcing them to pay. It's not fair! Next you'll be telling me I'm going to have to wax my 360 Modena myself."

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Pluto's Predictions 1: The Shield Season 4

Ra new season of ra Shield is starting. Ret's see rat rill happen:

10. Shane's fiance Mara rill turn out ra be not pregrant arfter rall. It ras all a ruse ra get Shane ra marry her.

9. Vic's girlfriend's drug dog rill be the co-star in every episode rext roo Mike Chiklis.

8. Craudette Rill ret more criminals go, and one rill kill someone

7. Product prarcement: Ereryone rill eat Greenies and Wellness treats

6. Aceveda rill drop rat bitch rife o ris

5. Dutch rill kill more cats. Rooray!

4. Tavon rill kick Shane's ass, rand rextort money rom Vic roo keep riet rabout Mara rying roo kill rim rith ra iron.

3. Grrrr!

2. Mara rand rer mom rill go roo ra Treasury Deprartment rand tell ron ra Srike Ream.

1. Ra Srike Ream rill become a K-9 ruunit.

Danny Boy, Payback Is Calling

Oh Danny Boy, the truth, the truth is calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
Your rule is gone, and your web of lies is dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and truth abide.
Don't come ye back your chance to make it right's gone
You could have told the truth but now you're alone
'Tis we'll be here though our innocence is gone
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, we trusted you so.

And if you come to your senses you will then see
The truth will set, it will set you free
Not bias nor bigotry is enough you see
For the news must tell the truth to me

Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, we trusted you so.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Ding Dong Dan Rather's Gone

This song is dedicated to you, all of you who seek the truth. Who Watches the Watchmen? We do.

The MSM began to pitch, from Center to Left it switched
It tried to land on Bush during his presidential pitch
But instead it spun faster and landed on Dan Rather
Who began to twitch, and was reduced to just a stitch
Because the truth, you see, can be a real bitch

We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly

You've ruined him so completely
That we thank you very sweetly

Let the joyous news be spread
The bigot's career at last is dead

Ding-dong his career's dead
Which career? The bigot's career
Ding-dong the bigot's career is dead
Wake up you sleepyhead
Rub your eyes, the news can be read
Wake up the bigot's career is dead
He's gone where the yellow journalists go
Below - below - below
Yo-ho, let's turn the TV back on, it's safe again
Ding Dong, the truth be told, no more lies, now we know
Let them know the bigot's career is dead

As a regular citizen
And a consumer of the news
I welcome you most regally
But we've got to verify it legally
To see...
To see...
If he...
If he...
If his career is really, really
Spiritually, physically
Positively, absolutely
Undeniably and reliably dead

As Coroner , I thoroughly examined it
And it's not only merely dead
It's really most sincerely dead

Then this is a day of independence
For all news viewers and their descendants
Yes, let the news be sung in song
The wicked bigot at last is gone

Ding-dong the bigot's gone
Which bigot? The wicked bigot
Ding-dong the wicked bigot's gone
Wake up and sing along
Finally the truth will be shown
On TV, 'cause his career is gone
He's gone where the yellow journalists go
Below - below - below
Yo-ho, let's turn the TV back on, it's safe again
Ding Dong, the truth be told, no more lies, now we know
Let them know the bigot's career is dead

Now You Can See Me At Improv Olympic

This article will remain at the top for a few days

I have been selected to appear on an Improv Olympic team. I guess they think I'm funny or something. I am on one of the new teams, named Steal Kitty (obviously they saved the best for last). The name will change soon. Of course, the bastards spelled my name wrong.

<name dropping>
For non-Chicagoans, Improv Olympic was onetime home to famous comedians like Stephanie Weir, Chris Farley and Mike Meyers (before he went on that awful killing spree). And just about every other famous comedian the past 20 years has passed through both Improv Olympic and Second City in Chicago on their way to fame, fortune, and self destructive drug abuse.
</name dropping>

Woohoo! Self destruction!

Shows start in a month or so, and I'll be on stage every other week, so drop by if you are in Chicago. I'll keep a calendar of shows on the right.

In addition, I'll be acting and writing in a 3 week sketch show the beginning of May. Which I believe will be at Improv Kitchen. I'll keep you posted on that too.

Oh damn, this means more pressure, now you will expect me to be even funnier!

Originally posted: Mar 7, 2005

World Women's Day Around the World

March 9 is World Women's Day. This day is to celebrate the liberation of women and their equal rights, as well as entry into the workforce.

To celebrate this day, Cuba is selling rice cookers at discounted rates to women in Cuba. Other ways that other countries are celebrating this day are:

Argentina: Women can buy matching washer/dryers at a discount today.

Saudia Arabia: Women can sit in the front passenger seat of the car, but only while it is turned off and in the garage.

Japan: Women may only be groped by one man on the subway today.

Juarez, Mexico: Police officers will actually investigate the serial murders of hundreds of women going on for years here. But only for the holiday, if they don't solve it today, women will have to wait till next year.

China: Women who get elective abortions of female babies will only be strapped down and vaccumed out and sterilized against their will. For one day only, they will not also be thrown in jail.

Sweden: Honor killings of Muslim women in Europe must be carried out in a humane manner today, such as with drugs.

Pakistan: Family members must use condoms today while raping women in their clan, and murderers must pay two goats, instead of the normal one, to the family of a woman killed in an honor killing.

Swaziland: Women wearing miniskirts may only be raped by one Muslim as punishment for being a whore, instead of gang raped. In addition, older women outraged by their slutiness will only be able to whip them once each with wet reeds.

Iraq: Women are subject to an evil occupying force that is forcing freedom and voting on them, throwing them into a sink or swim capitalist quagmire.

We must stop the evil abuse of women in Iraq! All those who care about women please contact Giuliana Sgrena, journalist of the paper il-Manifesto of Italy and ask her what you can do to kick America out of Iraq and help the women of Iraq!

From The Editor 3

Spain is hosting a summit on terrorism in Madrid.

The theme of the summit is "When it comes to terrorists and kidnappers, we deal with them"

The mayor of Madrid said "You've come to a wounded city, but it is not a city that has surrendered"

"That won't happen until we give the keys to the city to al-quaida in a formal ceremony next week."

The Italian PM said "every time we pay ransom on one journalist, they kidnap 3 more, what's up with that? Every time they say 'this is the last time'"

"That's just like that bully in 3rd grade who kept taking my lunch money"

France added that they still haven't gotten over the Vikings betraying them in the same way.

One speech was by George Soros, who said "Producing innocent victims creates anger and resentment, ... [which] feeds terrorism"

He added terrorists much prefer the innocent victims of Saddam in Iraq, of Syria in Lebanon, and of France in the Sudan

Florida is considering allowing new forms of gambling

Living on the coast of Florida is not thrilling enough anymore.

"Four hurricanes in one year? nowhere to go but down. Gotta find somethin new!"

The particular form of gambling they want is slot machines

They wanted to pull a lever on something more predictable than florida voting machines.

(Now that they're banning smoking in bingo parlors) Plus they need somewhere else to go smoke.

The BTK killer, Dennis Rader, has been apprehended. Turns out he looks like Everyman, the guy next door.

People are warned to be on the lookout for the following warning signs of your neighbor being a serial killer:

white male, nice, and quiet

Police are reportedly swamped with calls, turns out half of America are serial killers.

If you see anyone like that, women should remember "battered wife syndrome" means you can kill anyone you are afraid of

In related news, a new serial killer of white males has struck all over the country. Police are dumbfounded on how he can kill so many white male neighbors so quickly.

Bill Clinton is having scar tissue removed

Turns out one of Hillary's claws broke off inside him

This week was International Mentally Handicapped Day.

In related news, Dan rather still says the documents have never been proven fake.

In other news, CBS has begun printing their own money. The Secret Service has tried to arrest them, but they can't prove the dollars are counterfeit.

Hizbolla organized protests for Syria, saying the West was interfering in Lebanese politics.

They held up signs saying "Say NO to foreign interference"

Other signs said "Say YES to foreign interference (in small print: from Syria)"

and t-shirts that said "I showed up at this lousy rally, and all I got was Hizbollah will release my children back to me now"

We're Not Racist, The Jews Just Want Us To Look That Way

In a heartfelt appeal for understanding for her son Matthew Hale, mother Evelyn Hutcheson said "this is a conspiracy by the prosecutor, the Jewish Defense League, and the FBI to get him a harsher sentence. The Jews are trying to make my son look crazy and like a hatemonger, just because he stands up and tells the truth that others are afraid to.

"All his life my son has been persecuted. Just because he is white and wants to stand up for his people. Sure, everyone wants to understand the Islamic Freedom Fighters, but who is calling for understanding us? As Milosevec said, 'we are the new Jews', we are the persecuted class.

"If this keeps up, we are moving to France, where they know how to treat the Jews."

Matthew Hale is leader of Church of the Creator, a church that is focused on protecting rights of white people, and has been labeled as "white supremacist" by the Jew controlled media. In an effort to find out the truth of her allegations, we snuck into a high level meeting between a JDL officer and Karl Rove.

Rove: Good job on dat Hale guy, dat Judge didn't know what hit er

JDL: Thanks. Too bad that Sgrena reporter got away

Rove: Yeah, some heads are gonna roll on that one. Dere weren't supposed ta be any witnesses.

JDL: So what about the next 9/11, we have three targets lined up-

Rove: Fugget about dat, I got a new job for yous guys

JDL: New job? But we did all this recona-

Rove: I said fugget about it. I gotta new job. Here, look at dis picture

JDL: This? This what you want us to do?

Rove: Yeah, got a problem?

JDL: Are you kidding? I have been waiting for this since my Jew Youth classes on conquering the world. This, this is it, isn't it? The beginning of the end?

Rove: Yep, dis is it. Soon global warming will cause all coastal areas into the seas. Yous better take care a dem Palestinians before den.

JDL: Don't worry, they will all be gone soon, and their highlands will be ours for our people to move up into.

Rove: Good, good. Step two, Ray Close and Michael Scheuer.

JDL: The former CIA analysts?

Rove: Yeah, dey wrode a few books bout how Bush is wrong. Right now der bode busy spouting Jew hating propaganda.

JDL: They work for us?

Rove: Yeah, da more dey write, the more dey make anyone who criticizes us look crazy. Bode o' dem even said dere is a Jewish conspiracy controlling America.

JDL: They let guys like that get to a high level in the CIA?

Rove: Yeah, during Clinton's term dey did. He an' Tenet got rid o' tough guys, and pud a lot o' Jew haters in the CIA. Why do ya tink I had Bush get rid o dem guys?

JDL: Isn't it dangerous for them to give away so much of what we're really doing?

Rove: You tink anyone believe dem? Naw, only da fruitcakes. No, the more truth dey tells, da crazier da left looks.

JDL: And the final part?

Rove: Dis is da best part. Da Red Sox? Dey is gonna dominate da nex ten years.

JDL: But what about University of Illinois football?

Rove: Never! I hate dem guys. Dey is never gonna win again. Nor are da Bears. I hate da whole damn state o' Illinoiss.

JDL: Well the Cubs are a given.

Rove: Nah, I'm gonna let the Cubs make the playoffs a few more times. Den crush em. Ha ha ha ha

JDL: This is a great time to be alive. We are gonna be rich.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Things Not to Do When Approaching a Military Checkpoint

10. Speed up as you approach the checkpoint so you almost lose control

9. Ignore the guards thinking "they can see we're white, it's ok"

8. Pretending not to speak any of the several languages the guards will yell at you

7. Flipping them the bird as you do donuts right in front of the checkpoint

6. Play Palestinian children's music like "I want to die a shahid's death"

5. Instead of "sir", call the guard "baby killer"

4.Talk on your damn cell phone instead of paying attention to the road. What, you think you're so important it can't wait?

3. Answer every question with "about a dollar"

2. Have your pizza delivered to checkpoint, and don't share

1. Drive a Volkswagon bus, or any sort of hybrid vehicle. They are instant targets, just on principle.

Italians Beef Up Kidnapping Insurance

All across Italy, businesses, especially those in the media, are beefing up their anti-kidnapping insurance, due to a recent increase in kidnapping of Italian journalists.

"I don't understand why they keep kidnapping us and demanding ransoms," said Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, "10 Italian journalists have been kidnapped in the past year, much more than American or any other journalist. Each time we pay the ransom, but they keep coming after us.

"Is this how France felt after paying off the Vikings, only to have more come? Damn Vikings. These people don't know how to play the game. You kidnap someone, we pay you, then that's supposed to be the end of it. You don't go kidnap someone else, that is crazy."

"We have had to raise premiums dramatically," said Saul Solomon, president of General Developing Nation Insurance, "thank God Italy doesn't do much business in Central America. Do you have any idea how much ransom we'd have to pay out.? Next time, our contracts are going to say clients at least have to try to negotiate."

France and Spain have joined Italy in sponsoring a kidnapping tutoring school, where they will teach how to effectively kidnap someone. This is in order to minimize casualties, of course, since orderly and professional kidnappers are less likely to make mistakes that would result in someone dying. They also plan to teach insurgents the gentleman's agreement that governs kidnapping, such as, you only kidnap someone once from the same country, and you only ask for a reasonable amount of money, and finally, that you promise to only spend the money on the poor, or heroin, but not on weapons.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Top Ten Motifs of SarahKs Posts at IMAO

SarahK's posting at IMAO has allowed her to really "bust out" and try new things she could not at her blog, Mountaneer Musings. Here are the top stories she will be posting on:

10. Girlz N Gunz monthly centerfold (with clothes on, you pervs!)

9. Surviving harsh environments while keeping your femininity: hot steaming jungle series

8. SarahK's gosh darn tootin' peevs of the week (now with less swearing!)

7. Lead: Good for what ails ya! (Like Islamic terrorists, commies, and hippie tree huggers)

6. Surviving harsh environments while keeping your skin soft: desert series

5. Guns and dating: why yours should be bigger than his, and how to keep it that way

4. Surviving harsh environments while kicking butt and taking names: church singles group series

3. SarahK's weekly recipe roundup: this week: Stuffed Shells with full metal jackets

2. What Frank was supposed to learn at Church this week, but obviously I'll have to remind him, again

1. New Gunpowder uses around the home: This week: Gunpowder, avocado, and papaya facial; The burning means it's working!

Update 0. How I will beat up Pluto's Dad. This week: pistol whipping. No wait, he'll like that. I'll get back to you.

Note to FBI: If we disappear, you know where to look first.

American Military Sucks, Italians Fund Terrorism

Our troops are as myopic as our policies

Eyes On The Ball News has uncovered a disturbing story: despite the previous $81 billion in funding President Bush asked for, and the new upcoming $80 billion, our military forces could not hit the broadside of a barn. The point is proven when you look at the case of Giuliana Sgrena, the Italian journalist recently released and fired upon by the US military.

According to Sgrena's account, the car was attacked without warning by several tanks, and 300-400 rounds were fired at her car. Yet, even after all that the car was barely damaged. Not only that, only one occupant of the car was even killed, an Italian secret service agent, who was shot in the head with a .50 caliber machine gun. Normally a .50 caliber round will completely obliterate a person's head, or sever a limb. But the pathetic US arms only made a small hole in the man's head. If he were a real terrorist, we'd be in big trouble.

When we asked Marine Corp General Butch Thunderbolt, about the training of Marine embassy guards and security forces, and how so much ordinance could have been expended and have the people in the car still walk away, and finally why didn't the guards wave down the car instead of just firing, he responded with the usual obfuscation and throwing up red herrings that you would expect from someone in the military or law enforcement.

He gave us the usual government runarounds, calling Sgrena an "unreliable eye witness" just because she has given several different accounts of the event. And tried to say that since by her own account they, including the driver, were talking and celebrating and on their phones, that she would not have seen what was going on outside. All of this is typical disgusting blaming the victim that we are used to from the US. He even went so far as to insinuate she is biased against the US, just because her paper broke away from the Communist Party of Italy because it did not believe in violence anymore.

He then defended his Marines' marksmanship with a litany of "successes" of the USMC which we will not bother to repeat. But they ranged from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli. He covered battles fought in air, on land and sea. They spanned from saving Paris when the French army wanted to retreat on March 28, 1918, to Iwo Jima and every other island in the Pacific in WWII. Alarmingly, General Thunderbolt actually thinks the US won the Tet Offensive, just because we obliterated the NVA army. He must not have been reading the press releases, probably because he was over there instead of here. With men like that, so blind to their failures, leading our armed forces, how can we expect to win?

"Our forces are the best trained in the world," he said. Though we weren't sure if he was trying to convince us or himself. He seemed especially worried that a whole platoon of Marines and several tanks could run out of ammunition and still only kill one guard and let two journalists and a driver walk away with barely a scratch. General Thunderbolt's contention that her story is not true is just a smokescreen for the real problem: not only are our policies myopic, but our troops are as well. It is a small wonder we are losing this war on the ground and for the hearts and minds of the Iraqis. Perhaps instead of imprisoning them, we should put some of our detainees to use running our sniper schools.

We then tackled the second problem. Sgrena said their car received no warning to slow down or stop. We ran a test of our own to test this. We wanted to see if US Army soldiers could even man a checkpoint. We went around asking the lyrics to "Stop, In the name of Love." They all performed admirably, until the word "stop", which many of them could not say. Some stuttered "s-s-st-s" one guy said "move along, in the name of love," a third said "no speekee sand talkee." How could these men man a checkpoint if they cannot say the word "stop"?

Was Eason Jordan right?

Sgrena is not bitter about her experience, saying, in the same interview, "But also a lack of information in this case is [the Americans'] responsibility because you are in a war field and [the Italians' had] the responsibility to pass immediately any information. [which obviously means it is America's fault]."

Always the responsible journalist and not quick to judge, Sgrena also said she "could not be sure" if she was deliberately targeted by the US or not. An irresponsible journalist would have said "no of course not, that would be ridiculous."

Italy laundering money through kidnapping rings

In other news, Italy paid over $10 million US to terrorists to release Sgrena.

"When it comes to terrorism, we deal with it," said Italian police spokesman Bernardo Patzadicio. "We do not just try to kill it like those rude smelly Americans. That is not dealing with it. Where is the dealing in that?

"Hopefully, the money will be used to buy many IEDs. Because unwanted pregnancy is a problem in Iraq, and the women need birth control, since Bush will probably make abortion illegal when he runs Iraq."