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Articles for this week's Archive

This Week In Pictures 5
Liberals for Love Out Gays
Condi Apologizes for Forcing Freedom on Europe
CNN targeting US Military
Netherlands Outsources Euthanasia

Friday, February 11, 2005

This Week In Pictures 5

General George Casey realizes the Army needs stronger heavy lift choppers when Michael Moore steals a Chinook helicopter

The Klan continues to organize protests despite a worldwide bleach shortage resulting in their whites not being kept so white

Due to a string of robberies by Raelians needing plastic for their clone incubation chambers, The Container Store has hired more armed guards to protect its inventory

If Bush's tax plan is passed, diamond dredels will become increasingly popular among children of the Jews who control the US

During her week-long trip across Europe, Dr. Condoleezza Rice tried her hand at DJing the UN ball

Sen. Kerry took up dance lessons hoping to convince Theresa Heinz to add his last name back to hers, which she removed after he lost the election. Seen here dancing to "Mr. Roboto," he has only mastered the use of his hands

Damn Mermen keep getting caught in the nets!

Tired of every man she meets sucking on her finger, Dr. Rice really wishes more black women lived in Europe

Nanci Pelosi, overdue for her botox injections

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Liberals for Love Out Gays

First there was Mike Taylor, bidding to be Senator of Montana. Now there is Mark Gannon (not his real name) former Talon reporter. Both of whom are conservatives, and, according to the liberal watchdog group Liberals For Love, committed the ultimate sin:

They are gay.

"These people think they can hide their private lives," said Robert Borsheim, chief media critic of Liberals for Love. "But they are public figures, and as such have no right to privacy. They think they can hide their disgusting habits from the public? The people have a right to know what dirty deeds go on in their bedrooms, and what fantasies lay in their dirty little minds."

Outside Gannon's home, Liberals for Love were protesting holding signs saying "Smear the Queer (Republican)," "God hates (Republican) Fags," "KKKarl = hatemonger," and chanting "We're here. You're queer. Get used to it."

Fred Bartlesby, Gannon's neighbor and a registered Republican, told us "I really don't care about his sexual orientation. What does that have to do with his reporting? I don't see what all the fuss is." We asked him if now that he knew Gannon is gay, if he could ever trust him again, to which he said "I guess so, I don't see why not," in a typical Republican circling-the-wagons maneuver.

When we told Borsheim about Bartlesby's comments, he said "what a closed-minded conservative idiot! Of course it has a lot to do with his reporting. How can you trust a man that hides his private life? Your private life has every bearing on your professional life. It's not like he refused to sign Form 180, or had a mistress. This is big.

"Who knows how he greases the wheels, lubricating his sources to get the juicy details? Bush is a good-looking guy, I am told. Would his reporting change if Bush were older and uglier? We may never know.

"And Taylor - don't even get me started about him. We saved the country starting that whisper campaign that he was gay. I mean, he owned a hair salon for Chrissakes! Can you imagine if a Senator was secretly gay? Why, the KGB might use it to blackmail him! We are so lucky that gayrod never became a Senator.

"We are not anti-gay. Are you kidding? We are Democrats! We are for the truth, that's all. All being secretly gay means is that you are a liar with no credibility. It is not being gay that makes them bad, it's being gay and Republican - No, it's being gay and hiding it - No, it's being gay and ... well I still haven't worked this out fully. But it's bad.

"Anyone who is hiding some portion of his life must bring it out, that is what full disclosure is all about. There is no shame in being gay, we just want everyone to know, that's all. Cheney's daughter is a lesbian, and we're sure she'd agree."

Condi Apologizes for Forcing Freedom on Europe

This week, in a whirlwind tour of Europe, Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice apologized for forcing freedom on the rest of the world.

"During the Cold War we thought we had to work with really bad guys like Pinochet," she said in a conversation with French Foreign Affairs Minister Michel Barnier. "We thought we had no choice, we thought anything was better than the Communists. We thought stability was more important than freedom.

"Now, thanks to France and to liberals in the US, we know that was actually the right attitude. Stability, even with a ruthless dictator in charge, is indeed more important than freedom.

"Only now do we realize our folly. The French people did not want freedom, or if they did, it certainly wasn't our place to force it on them - to fight on their land causing wanton destruction. Especially when you consider all the leading French historians now agree that the Allies would have won the war without the US, it would only have taken a little longer! And we dare to say we saved Europe!"

In another speech in Berlin to the Reichstag, she said "We apologize to you, Germany, for occupying your country and forcing freedom on you. Your Werewolves band of SS partisans were right. If only we had listened when they bombed your factories, killed your mayors, police, and other collaborators, and warned you not to vote or they would kill you. How could you have had a free election while foreign forces were present? Look at Germany now, are you really better off?"

Back to France before the French Parliament, she said "Thanks to you Europeans and liberals in the US, we no longer believe in liberalism or liberty. Who are we to say freedom and democracy is right or the best way to run a government? No one way is right or wrong.

"That is why we pledge to immediately begin reparations to Western Europe for our anti-deconstructionist actions. Since we have only 6% unemployment, that leaves us plenty of room to raise taxes to repay you before we reach your levels of 12-16% unemployment, which is a more reasonable amount.

"We will also begin other reforms, such as restricting the press like France does so it cannot criticize the government or say mean things about people. We will immediately withdraw from Iraq and leave it in the hands of their rightful ruler, Al-Zarqawi, who is not from Iraq but at least is not white so he knows better than we do what is best. Finally, we pledge our military to only fight for stability and the status quo. Just like France does in Rwanda, the Sudan, and the Ivory Coast."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

CNN targeting US Military

This memo was obtained from a confidential source in CNN:

From: Office of the Chief News Executive
To: All CNN Personnel
Monday, Jan 31, 2005

Dear Comrades in Journalism:

It has been reported that some of you have been targeting the US Military in your reports. At least twelve dishonorable discharges have been handed out due to CNN deliberately targeting the US Military in negative reports. We should continue to target the US Military for negative stories. In our zeal to report the truth, we must remember that as journalists, it is our duty to fight imperialism wherever we may find it.

With that end in mind, we must always remember to report the truth about any imperialistic power wishing to push around the less powerful. Whether they are fighting for the influence of powerful global corporations, or fighting to impose their values on the local populace, we must document each occurrence and bring it to light.

With that in mind, we have produced the following guidelines:

  1. Embed yourself with freedom fighters. This way we can tell their story from right up front.
  2. Give the freedom fighters a break. Since they are usually underfunded, freedom fighters cannot be expected to wear uniforms, or keep themselves separate from the populace, or restrict themselves to military targets. These instances you need not bother to report, since we assume they are happening and no one needs to hear about them.
  3. Do not expect the freedom fighters to protect you. Freedom fighters are notoriously bad at protection duty. In fact, some may accidentally behead you, thinking you are a terrorist. This is not their fault, as it is due to a lack of funding.
  4. Whenever possible, find out where the freedom fighters will attack and arrive first. This is particularly true for any assissinations of collaborators, so that images may be captured at the exact moment the bullets strike.
  5. Do not warn collaborators they may be about to be killed by the freedom fighters. We are there to document, not to interfere. This will jeopardize our status as neutral observers, and may result in beheading.
  6. Target any terrorists with your cameras. Terrorists include anyone trying to strike fear into the local populace. For instance, the threat of dying if one joins the freedom fighters is a form of terror.
  7. Target any imperial shock troops with your cameras, especially when they are around civilians. These troops may be identified by doing things such as conducting unreasonable searches, performing interrogations on civilians, and shooting at freedom fighters, who are the populace.
  8. When speaking to imperial troops or terrorists, do not fall for the "Al Capone Smokescreen," named after Al Capone who kept his popularity high by feeding the poor, etc. Do not report on good deeds supposedly done, since that would be playing into their hands. These "good deeds" are only to cover up what their real purpose is. Remember, we are there to report the truth, not propaganda.
  9. Make sure to let every imperial trooper know all the bad information you can on the war and on the state of support back home. They are adults and can handle the truth. In fact, it is our duty to report this truth. And since they are part of the public, they have a right to know how their leaders are using them and how their deaths mean nothing.
  10. Finally, make sure you realize the difference between a foreign country helping the populace, and an imperial force or terrorists. Sometimes, like France in the Sudan or the Ivory Coast, or Syria and Iran in Palestine, the foreign country is there to help put down a terrorist uprising. Other times foreign powers fund and send terrorists over to another country to cause trouble, pretending to be fighting for the local populace.

Thank you for taking the time to read these guidelines. We hope this will clarify your position and purpose. When in doubt over what to do in any situation, consult these guidelines.

Eason Jordan

We tracked down Mr. Jordan to explain some of the finer points. He told us the following:

"First of all, I cannot vouch for the authenticity of this memo. You should know that using anonymous sources is not good journalism. How do you know this is not just a disgruntled employee looking to make trouble? However, it is a monospaced font ... and since this is just a copy there's no way to know for sure, so I guess I must have said these things.

"When I said we were deliberately targeting the US Military for negative stories, I did not mean 'targeting' the way you think I did. I just meant we are mistaking Marines for terrorists and imperial shock troops.

"Obviously it is difficult to decide who is a terrorist and who is not. When we see someone shooting a gun at someone who is not even wearing a uniform, we just assume it must be a terrorist. Or if we see people kidnap others with zipper strips and throw them in the back of humvees, well kidnapping is a terrorist activity is it not?

"So you see, some people think we are deliberately reporting only negative information, and making the US Military look like terrorists and imperial occupiers. But that is only because we keep mistaking them for the terrorists. So when we deliberately target the military, we are really trying to target the terrorists. See the mixup?

"We still haven't found any terrorists, the wiley rascals. But when we do, we want to be the first to report it."

Monday, February 07, 2005

Netherlands Outsources Euthanasia

The Netherlands, long heralded as the place to go to if you have a retarded child you need to kill, has recently reversed its policy on euthanasia, and will no longer be carrying it out on Netherlands soil.

"For many years we have been at the forefront of tolerance and acceptance, even passing laws barring criticism of extremists who do not believe in tolerance or acceptance," said Klaus Jagerberger of the Netherlands Euthanasia Association.

"The Netherlands has also been at the forefront of euthanasia. No child in our country has to suffer the pain of being different or retarded. For what good use is a retard? None that I know of - at least until this week, now that we know freedom fighters in Iraq are using children with Downs Syndrome as suicide bombers.

"Not many people realize this but it is expensive to euthanize a child. You cannot just kill them however you wish to, you have to do it humanely. While we do believe that killing them is much more humane than letting them live in their condition, we do not wish the little retards to suffer. But to kill a child humanely is expensive, requiring the right drugs, and so on. So, since we are euthanizing more and more children, we are finding that we are having to lower the quality of health care for everyone else. This is simply the cost of Liberty. Until now:

"Al Zarqawi's freedom force has run out of suicide bombers and is having to kidnap retarded children to use as bombers. That is when I saw an opportunity. It must be costly to find and capture retarded children, especially with the fascist US military running around, that dares to think 'liberty' means freedom. So I telephoned Zarqawi and told him we have retarded children we want killed, and he wants mules to carry his bombs. And we came to an agreement.

"In return for money and some premium middle eastern hashish and opium, we provide retarded children to them. And, having a vest of bombs explode is certainly a quick and painless death, so we feel good that our little retards do not have to suffer. I prefer to think of it as outsourcing euthanasia.

"Now with the US about to change their Social Security system, we are contacting the AARP hoping they will need elderly suicide bombers to protest. We have many elderly that we wish to euthanize which we think they may be interested in. Especially those with Alzheimer's. They won't even know what's going on anyway."