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Friday, December 03, 2004

Gay Republicans defend votes for Bush

The mainstream media is aghast that in the recent election Bush received 23% of the gay vote, despite his support for an amendment banning gay marriage. He also received 23% of the gay vote in the 2000 election, so his support did not dwindle. We wanted to find out why these people voted for Bush, so we sought to interview some. But first we talked to Sean Austin, spokesman for P.R.I.D.E., on the phenomenon.

"These people, like Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, and Bill Cosby, are traitors to their own people," he said, "they are rich jerks who've probably never worked a day in their lives who care only about themselves. Just who do they think they are, voting for people that hate us? The Democrats won't do anything for us, but at least they like us."

We moved on to find the gay Republicans. We first looked for the elusive "pink elephant" in what we thought was his natural habitat: America's corporate offices. But what we found is that this wiley beast can be found anywhere, even standing right next to you.

"There's more to my life than being gay," said Lance Sixpack, a dockworker, "I am a regular person just like you, are you obsessed with your heterosexuality? No of course not, it is insulting of the Left to tell me what I should think because I'm gay. We are not obsessed with sex, I have all sorts of interests and concerns, like defense, the economy - there's more to life than buns of steel ... mmm ... buns of steel ... "

"Yeah like the Democrats have done anything for us lately," said Butch Thunderthighs, a patent attorney, "Was Kerry going to let us get married? I don't think so. 70% of Oregon voted for their amendment, so obviously the Democrats voted against us as well. They just assume they're going to get our vote, well I have news for them, they have to earn it. We don't fit some stereotype the Right or the Left has of us. Now, can you zip me up? Ooh! your hands are cold - you're making my nipples hard. Touch me again."

"Who the hell wants to get married anyway?" asked Rocko Bigdipper, an award winning body builder, "I sure don't want to, I just want lots of dirty, sweaty sex. I'm so sick of shows like the American version of 'Queer as Folk' that make us look like pussies with all that love and feelings and crap. Where is the sex? Maybe the dykes want to get married, but not us - hold on check out this ass. Oh yeah, work it baby, ... yeah just like that ... uh, I've gotta go now - to the men's room - where that guy just walked in."

"I used to work at Starbucks, but I was fired," Peter Peter Petereater told us. When we asked if he was fired because he is gay, he said "no, because I'm Republican. I spoke out against their 'fair' trade policy, which punishes the poorest farmers who are simply trying to gain market share by lowering their prices, and ends up as nothing more than a government kickback scheme. I was laid off the next day for comping drinks. I've never comped a drink in my life! That bitch dyke manager sold me out. Apparently I'm not gay enough. Well, I was a gymnast in high school, and I can suck my own dick, so there! Is that gay enough for you, Starfucks?"