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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities

The new Jimmy Carter SeaWolf class nuclear attack submarine has just been commissioned. Dedicated to research as well as attack, this sub has a 100-ft extension section that allows experiments to be conducted on new undersea military technology.

Following are some of the most lauded capabilities of the Jimmy Carter Attack Sub - The First Attack Sub Dedicated To Attacking Poverty™:

  1. 100 ft extension can accommodate pre-fab house assembly plant, can assemble five complete houses per hour.
  2. New Trident House Delivery System uses GPS technology to launch houses at precise locations within centimeters. House landing system has not been perfected yet.
  3. All cruise missiles warheads, instead of carrying ordinance, carry PSYOPS mp3 player / loudspeakers. Play a selection of Christian Contemporary and Country music.
  4. Brand new MFSWGS installed (Moonshine From Salt Water Generation System) to replace fresh water generator.
  5. New PEDS (Poverty and Exploitation Detection System) equipped warheads detect factories and farms, targeting them for destruction. No longer will 3rd world people have to work at unfulfilling jobs making crap for us!
  6. 100 ft extension can house Mini-Nuclear Reactor delivery system complete with cryogenically stored reactor technicians. Useful for launching nuclear reactors at 3rd world countries for their use - in exchange for their promising not to use the reactors to create weapons. Reactor landing system also not perfected yet.
  7. If nuclear reactor goes offline, can run on peanuts.
  8. All instructions in Russian, Arabic, and English, plus 100 ft extension can house brig fitting entire crew. The most convenient sub for hostile nations to take crew hostage yet still operate boat.
  9. Torpedoes equipped with completely silent active sonar system using no sound or any type of detection system at all, ensuring marine wildlife are not affected by loud sonar pings.
  10. Engines foul up if water gets into external intakes.

The Jimmy Carter Attack Sub: Attacks poverty wherever it is found!