Please Visit the new location for this site!: We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Annoying Behavior Targetting By Lawmakers

Lawmakers thrilled with the harsh 9 year sentence imposed on Jeremy Jaynes for spamming are set to introduce a new set of laws that will make annoying behavior a felony.

"Nine years may seem like a long time for sending junk email," said Prosecutor Lisa Hicks-Thomas, "but think of the annoyance of having to click through all those emails. Is any sentence harsh enough? I don't think so."

Because of the success of this law, lawmakers all across America are passing new anti-annoyance statutes that go farther than the old noise based public disturbance laws.

One such law includes California's new bill that makes it a crime to proselytize Christianity. Any Christian found trying to convert another, or even any Protestant Christian trying to convert a Catholic, will be fined $100,000 and be sentenced from 5 to 10 years in jail. There is no fine planned for any other religion, however.

In Texas, a similar law is in place that will assess jail terms against anyone who says the government should raise taxes or give more money to welfare. Reportedly the entire city of Austin is already behind bars.

Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. Fat Acceptance America has successfully lobbied in Illinois, where Chicago is named the "heaviest city in America," to assess criminal penalties against anyone who works out in public, since this annoys fat people. Similarly, Lose It Or Move It, a national health conscious group, also lobbied for a law that will prohibit fat people from complaining about their weight while not doing anything about it. Both penalties include a minimum 10 years in jail.

"Fat people have a real hard time," said Risa Brye of Fat Acceptance America, "I'm sick of driving and seeing people jogging on the corner waiting for the light - trying to keep their heartrate up. Puh-leeze! All those damn skinny judgmental people will have to now gain weight or go to jail. Finally everyone will be equal."

"Is there anything more annoying than some fat chick who constantly complains about her weight, while consuming beer and pizza?" said Chris Trisportus of Lose it or Move it, "Or worse, saying 'I tried every diet' when she really means she tried them all only for a month and kept quitting? Finally we may get some peace from the constant whining of those who refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior."

When we asked him about the impact of the new no-workouts-in-public law, he said "We predict a rise in shin splints as we have to move to all indoor sports, but we are retaliating by introducing a new law against chewing with your mouth open. That one is only going to be a five year sentence, but the funny thing is we don't eat out anyway since we have to weigh and measure everything, so the joke's on them."

Of course, many people find talk about the war annoying. In most "blue" states, anyone caught supporting the war is immediately drafted into the Army and sent over to volunteer. "Let them go fight if they're so pro war" said one protestor.

Conversely, in "red" states, laws have been passed stating that anyone speaking in public against the war be immediately shipped off to the Sudan or Ivory Coast to make peace via pacifist methods. They are allowed to return after 2 weeks - that is, if they are still alive.