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Monday, February 28, 2005

A Message From Flamco Paint 2

Read this post first if you have not, to see part one of A Message From Flamco Paint.

(Phone ringing, Flamco spokesman on phone waiting, customer occupied, answers phone)

CUSTOMER

Hello?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Jordan Easter, are you there?

CUSTOMER

Hello? Yeah this is me, who is this?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This is Flamco paint. We are conducting a customer satisfaction survey. We are just wondering how you are enjoying that insurance money.

CUSTOMER

Umm ... Sure, it's great.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

We just wanted to be sure no one suspects it was arson, that would be a shame if they did.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, no- it worked great. They didn't suspect anything. Your paint passed all the arson investigators' tests.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

That's great. Now that we helped you, it's time for you to help us.

CUSTOMER

Um, Listen I gotta go-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Not so fast, Jordan. Like I said, it would be a shame if the authorities found out what you did.

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

Are you blackmailing me?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

But why?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This may come as a shocker, but paint is a low margin business. We have to make money any way we can. That's why we started producing flammable paint. We found we could double our income thanks to people like you.

CUSTOMER

So you do this to all your customers?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

What if I fight? You can't go to the authorities, because then you'd get in trouble too.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok you got us on that one. But I only have one last question to ask:

CUSTOMER

Sure, but I really gotta -

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

No.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok here's another question. Are you sure you don't want to help us, after everything we've done for you?

CUSTOMER

But-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Why-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Fine! How much do you want?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Only twenty percent.

CUSTOMER

Twenty Percent!? That's robbery!

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Ok! ok! How do you want it.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

In cash. We'll send someone over tomorrow. Oh and don't get any funny ideas. While you were asleep we secretly painted your house the same shade of color with Flamco! Ultra Flammable brand paint. I'd hate to lose a Frank Lloyd Wright ranch home, just because the owner got stupid. Think of the children, and how they won't be able to take field trips to your house anymore.

CUSTOMER

Allright, I'll have it ready.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Great! And remember, if you need to rub someone out, and can't afford to move to the Netherlands where it is legal, think Flamco! For all your flammable paint needs.

CUSTOMER

I'll do that

(hangs up)

(Blackout)