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Articles for this week's Archive

This Week In The News
CBS's Plan To Regain Credibility
Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI
Huge Turd Devastates California Countryside
US Aid Effort Disorganized, Undermining UN
Dead Protest Fraud Allegations
NAMBLA, Others, Flock to Netherlands

Saturday, January 15, 2005

This Week In The News

Pablo Paredes, who wanted to leave the Navy to spend more time with his wife and told a JAG "I'm not a conscientious objector", but once his ship, the Bonhomme Richard, got deployment orders suddenly changed his story to seeking conscientious objector status, said about the fact that his ship was diverted to help tsunami victims: "when I said 'refuse to destroy another soul,' I didn't mean I would do the opposite: you know, like, help people?"

During his visit to Baghdad last week, Senator John Kerry plays "the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song" when soldiers tell him that, even more than armor, they'd like the media to start reporting the truth about the War in Iraq.

President Bush does "the robot" as he sings "We Are the Champions" at the White House's weekly karaoke party.

NASA and European Space Agency scientists were disappointed to learn that astronauts had apparently already been to Titan, judging by the fine dusting of Tang covering the surface.

Construction finished this week on Planned Parenthood's Playground for Unwanted Children. Below the waterline, the sign reads "You must be less than this height to play."

Kibabu, who became a father at Taronga Zoo in Sydney, made do with carrots when he could not acquire cigars to pass around.

Japanese manufacturer sees new "Supa Tuma" (Super Tumor) Phone as key to the goth and depressed teenager market.

Judge me by my size, do you?

CBS's Plan To Regain Credibility

Things CBS is considering to regain credibility (or at least divert attention away from the question of credibility):
  1. Add "Pinnochio Meter" to bottom of screen which always indicates the speaker is telling the truth, except when Republicans are being interviewed
  2. When dealing with witnesses, remember: less foaming at mouth good
  3. Hire P. Diddy as anchor for "believe us or die" campaign, since he has "street cred"
  4. Have scrolling bar at bottom keep repeating: "Why do you care about us when Bush is lying to you?"
  5. Between stories, say Hey, have you seen Number 6 on the new Battlestar Galactica?
  6. Make sure witnesses in future reports were not committed to a psychiatric hospital
  7. When all the experts you hire say the documents are fake, try listening to them
  8. Change signoff to: But remember, nothing can be proven conclusively
  9. Actually interview people who know something about the subject
  10. Replace 60 Minutes Wednesday with Ann Coulter Dance Hour

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI

Springboarding from the success of their CBS investigation, Dick Thornburgh and Lou Boccardi went into business as Private Investigators. They have already established an impressive list of solved crimes.

Peoria, IL native Martin Vance was given worker's comp for an injury he sustained while working at a UPS loading dock. UPS's insurance company was not convinced that his story was true. They hired Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI to determine if Vance's injuries were real or not.

Thornburgh and Boccardi's report contained the following details:
  1. Vance was videotaped playing hopscotch with his children, and also won a dance competition at his church

  2. The signatures on Vance's doctor's certificate did not match that of his doctor

  3. He was not actually at work on the day he was injured, he had taken the day off to go to Great America with his son.
The Thornburgh/Boccardi report concluded:

While Vance did not take care to eliminate the appearance of impropriety, we cannot conclude that he actually was not injured on the job, and therefore we cannot say he does not deserve the settlement. We find no evidence of fraud.

"I am really proud of that report," Boccardi told us, "it was really hard getting that data, but fun. I got to go buy black ninja outfits that I wore when I videotaped him through his windows, I even got to paint my face black. It was cool."

"People don't understand the stress we're under," said Thornburgh, "my reports could destroy people's lives. As long as there is any minute shred of doubt, such as maybe aliens from the planet Zogma came by whisked Vance to work, broke his leg, the whisked him back to Great America, then I cannot say he is guilty. Those same aliens are also suspected of going back in time to provide a typewriter capable of creating the 'Memogate' reports, since no such typewriter existed at the time."

"Those damn Zogma aliens," interjected Boccardi, "you can't prove anything anymore. Hey, how do we know you're going to print what I really say? Because if you don't, even though this is on tape, I can't prove it's a forgery."

"No," said Thornburgh, "especially with the possibility of aliens interfering. You can't prove anything anymore. Hey, those are cool nightvision goggles."

"Thanks," Boccardi said, "they were on sale."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Huge Turd Devastates California Countryside

Michael Moore Sought For Questioning
A large turd swept across Topanga Canyon this week, destroying homes and blocking the Topanga Canyon Road. Thirty people were left homeless and four cars were destroyed in the turdalanche.

California DOT workers remove the large dung boulder blocking both lanes of the Topanga canyon Road. The operation is expected to take the rest of the week, as long as temperatures remain low.

"My house, will you look at it?" exclaimed Robert Nordstrom, vineyard owner. "I worked for years to save enough to build that house, now it's gone. Well, it's still there but, I'm sure as hell not going back in there. Whew, can you smell that?"

At first we investigated who could have made the giant turd. We managed to track down Michael Moore outside an In N Out Burger, as our most likely suspect. Here is a transcript of our interview:

MM: Hey, what are you doing here?

EOTB: We are here to ask you where you were last night, and what you had for dinner.

MM: What? That's none of your business! Did George Bush send you? He has a personal vendetta against me and Bill Burkett! He has spies everywhere!

EOTB: No Mr. Moore, we just want to know what you ate last night. Did you have a lot of fiber?

MM: Hate crime! First amendment! Hey everybody, I'm being harassed because I'm fat!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we'd like to know where you were at 10:30 last night, the time the giant crap boulder was spotted.

MM: I'm gonna hold my breathe till I explode!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, can you just -

MM: You hate me because I tell the truth, don't you? You can't handle the truth, can you? The American people have been lied to. Sure by me, but that's not important. What's important is Bush lied!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we really don't care about your movies, we're not from the NRA, we just want to -

MM: Don't care? How can you not care? I am he most important film maker in history! I tell the truth! The only truth! The emotional truth, the real story behind the story, that's what's important! You got real balls coming here, Mr. Republican, well I'll show you, I am not defenseless, I know kung fu!

EOTB: Ok we are running out of tape -

MM: You can't sneak up on me like this! What do you do, just ambush people? That's not journalism!

Despite his refusal to talk to us about his whereabouts, we were able to make some progress in tracking down the dung ball origins. We contacted several scientists about the possible origin of the massive dung ball. Unfortunately, DNA testing cannot be done on feces, since typically there is little to no material from the host animal to perform any testing. However, we were able to determine that the majority of the dung ball is composed of Twinkies and hot dogs.

But as we searched through old newspaper records, it turns out, this was not the first time gargantuan balls of feces have been sighted. In fact, there have been 30 sightings near Flint, Michigan alone. Coincidentally, Michael Moore lived in a suburb of Flint for much of his life. Not only that, but if you trace wherever Mr. Moore lived or was on location filming, somewhere around that exact time a massive dung boulder was reported terrorizing and destroying neighborhoods.

"My house is still der, un'er dat hill over der," said Clyve Huxley, resident of Columbine, Colorado. "While dat Moore fella were here filmin', a giant ball o' crap fell on top er my house. Dat hill is actury a crap hill. Just some grass grew o'er it, dat's all. Now - I don' know if dat crap came from Mr. Moore? But I reckon' it ain't natural, if you take my meanin'."

Submarines have attempted to dive down to the original epicenter of the earthquake that caused the south Asian tsunami last month, to see if it was caused by gigantic dung balls falling to the bottom, perhaps falling out of an overflying plane dumping its waste. Unfortunately the water there is too murky with a brown clay-like substance, presumably dirt and other refuse from the devastated islands nearby.

Elsewhere in California, lab tests have concluded that what at first was thought to be a "mud" slide, was actually something else: the result of too much Mexican food.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

US Aid Effort Disorganized, Undermining UN

Jan Egeland, UN undersecretary general for humanitarian affairs and emergency relief coordinator, told us "The US relief effort is uncoordinated and disorganized. All they're doing is handing out food and medicine. They aren't even having meetings. Sometimes the aid goes where it is not needed, there is so much.

"First of all, the US and the Australians were the first here, within 24 hours even. How could they possibly have known who needed aid on such short notice? The answer? They could not. Their aid went willy nilly to anyone, who knows who. Their president did not even make a speech first, they just started dumping aid. How can a country give aid without making a speech, and then holding coordination meetings?

"The President waited several days before making a speech, showing how he does not care. Kofi Annan did not make a speech until after the US President, once he had seen how the US and Australians were making a mockery of aid. He wisely took over to lead the way in aid.

"We began our coordination, meeting with other coordinators. Even after a week, we were still holding coordination meetings. Yet the entire time the US and Australia kept dumping their own version of aid on God knows who, we sure don't they did not bother to ask us first. They call that disaster relief? Ha!

"And then, Bush had the audacity to announce his own coordination with the few countries who were already providing aid. Can you believe the arrogance? First those countries rush into areas giving aid willy nilly, sometimes to the wrong people, without any coordination meetings at all. Then they think they can continue to do so without the UN to coordinate!

"We, the civilians of the UN, must be the ones to coordinate aid. The US military has no experience in disaster relief, they don't even like helping others. Look at them, they send an aircraft carrier! What good can can an aircraft carrier do?"

We went to the various aid agencies to find out what was going on, and why the US was undermining the UN.

"We have been buying toys for the kids from the shops on board our carrier," said Yeoman Arellano, "and our helicopters have been flying hundreds of sorties per day. The carrier can produce 900,000 gallons of fresh water per day. Most of us are barely getting any sleep, we are all working round the clock to help. We've been working with the Australian navy, with help from Japan and India, to get the most help out there that we possibly can."

"Toys? Ha!" Egeland responded when we showed him some of our interviews, "children cannot eat toys! You see these ridiculous Americans? We flew in Carol Bellamy, to coordinate the coordinators. Without proper coordination, the aid is wasted. If only the US would submit to the UN's moral authority, if only they waited to send the aid for a week until after the UN had it's coordination meetings, more people could have been saved.

"Now that we have this horrible tragedy, this is the perfect time to use this as a political opportunity to make the United States look bad. As God is my witness, these hundreds of thousands of people will not die in vain!"

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Dead Protest Fraud Allegations

"We are very upset at the allegations of fraud and malfeasance directed at us by Republicans in Washington State," said Elzoah Greybones, representative of Ghouls for Democrats. "It's bad enough that we are constantly under attack by Hollywood, what with their 'horror' movies and all, damaging our reputations. But now the Republicans want to take away our right to vote as well."

We interviewed Greybones as well as several other undead at a recent meeting of Ghouls for Democrats held in Seattle to discuss the recent Washington State governor election.

"It's a hard life, being undead," he continued, "we are hard workers, yet we suffer a 100% unemployment rate. No one will hire us, yet the Republicans don't want to give us social security benefits. Most of us live in poverty, wearing old tattered rags, Elijah over there has to wear chains because he can't afford a belt. It is not a pretty sight. Do you think we want to dress like this?

"The only time we can get any work is at Halloween, and there is only so much work to go around. Though thankfully this has been changing in the past decade, and some of our more recent dead have been able to get some work, thanks to LARPing - Live Action Role Playing - and more and more of these goth punk kids running around.

"It's not just lack of jobs and poverty. Children run from you, no one wants you around. Why just last week my friend Skullgore injured himself when he fell, hitting his head on the corner of a table. Half of his head was shorn off. But when he asked the family that lives in his home for help, did they? No, they yelled obscenities at him and ran away! They even hired a medium to get rid of him. Disgusting."

"No one wants to pway with me," said Bobby, a young looking boy of about 8 years old, with a cleaver stuck through his head, "All the othew kids wun away when I twy to pway. Onwy Mista Whiskas wilw pway," he said as he held up a dead rotting cat, (not an undead one, just a dead one.) "And Mista Whiskas is not as fun as he used to be. I wish the othew kids wiked me."

"I ha'en't been wid a man in years," Martha Mortlove, a large woman with a burned face and a mullet told us. "I drive de big rigs now, le' me tell you, it scares the living daylights out o' dem city folk when dey see my glowin' white rig come oud o' de fog. Hell it e'en scare the coun'ry folk. But damn, e'ry time I touch a man dey die of fright, an dat don' heep 'cause I ain' no necrophiliac, no sir. Am I really dat ugly?"

"And now, when we only want to vote like everyone else, the Republicans come along and try to stop us," a foppish man named Fantôme Monstre told us, "and to top it off, they insult our honor by saying we are fraudsters and jackobytes! I have never been so insulted in all my unlife. Why when I was a young lad in the Musketeers in France, I would have slain any man that dared speak to me that way.

"But these modern Republicans have no honor. When I went to the home of Dino Rossi to challenge him to pistols at dawn, did he accept? No, he ran from me like a catamite! Calling for a priest!"

"These sad stories are why tomorrow night," Skullgore told us, "we are calling for a mass protest of the dead outside the Capitol Building in Olympia, Washington. We have every right to vote, the Republicans can't take that away. Maybe they should start catering to us like the Democrats, who are perfectly happy with us voting. The Republicans want people to show ID when they vote, knowing we don't carry ID, they want to increase restrictions on undocumented workers ... in short, they are constantly against us.

"And now, when we helped get Gregoire elected, they want to overturn the election, saying our votes don't count! This is the last straw, we are going to march on the Capitol. Tomorrow night, the dead will walk!"

Monday, January 10, 2005

NAMBLA, Others, Flock to Netherlands

With the re-election of George W Bush, many people, like the Kilbournes of Seattle, are fleeing the country. One of these groups is NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association.

"You don't know how hard it is for us in America," said David Thorstad, pederasty author and speaker, "We are hated and persecuted, our research that man-boy love is natural is criticized. We are not even accepted in Colorado City, Arizona, where tens of thousands of polygamists live who marry 12 year old girls. You'd think that they would understand, being persecuted as well, but they don't believe in sex outside of marriage, or between males. Oh, life is so hard for us. I did not ask to be attracted to young boys, I was born this way.

"Now that we'll have four more years of neocon theocracy, we can only expect more persecution by the ultra right religious fanatics that are against men loving boys. We are finally giving up our quest to be able to love boys in peace in this country, and have begun looking elsewhere. After looking all over the world, we have finally found a country that will welcome us: the Netherlands.

"In Holland, the law states as long as you are married, you can have sex with anyone twelve years old or older. While this is great news for our members who believe in waiting until marriage, and those few of us who like girls, the unmarried age of consent is sixteen. While we are unhappy with this number, we are sure if enough of us move there then we can lower it. Already tens of thousands of men who love young people live in the Netherlands and Denmark." - sigh - "They have an open, tolerant society that encourages people to live in peace and harmony and not judge each other - because no one is wrong. I just wish people were like that here."

We interviewed Leslie Bergermeister, President of Protecting Our Children, to find out why he is trying to restrict the rights of Americans to love who they wish.

LB: "We are not trying to restrict anyone's rights," he said, "we are trying to protect children from predators. All people have an instinctive drive to protect children, it's genetically programmed into us, since it was necessary for the survival of our race."

EOTB: "So if we let NAMBLA love young boys, our species will go extinct? Isn't that the same gay bashing we've heard before?"

LB: "No, I'm saying it's instinctive to protect children. We should not ignore our conscience."

EOTB: "But these people don't feel their conscience being bothered. Why should we listen to you and allow you to enforce your morality on others?"

LB: "Those people aren't bothered because they are damaged. Look, in olden days, people didn't live long. It was common for teenagers to marry because life was hard and short. Now we have long lifespans, we can let children wait until they are mature."

EOTB: "Ah so you are trying to 'protect' children. Well we interviewed a young boy Johnny, and he told us 'My mommy and daddy are dumb. I don't need their protection, I can cross the street by myself.' Seems like children don't want or need your 'protection.'"

LB: "What? Are you brain damaged?"

EOTB: "Ad hominem attacks, eh? The last resort of the scoundrel. That's all the time we have, thank you for your time."

LB: "Wait - "

"We are, of course, very happy to accept any Americans that wish to flee George Bush," said Johan Karlsberg, Minister of Tourism, "We in the Niederland do not understand your - how do you call it - hang ups, about sex. People in the Niederland are free to do as they wish. If they want to marry a young girl, or force their daughter to marry, that is their choice. Or if their religion says they must kill someone, who are we to tell them they cannot? Freedom means we must allow people to do as they wish."

Another group moving to the Netherlands is the Society of Child Killers. Damien Sade, president of the group, told us "When we heard that the Netherlands was going to start allowing the killing of children after they are born, we realized that is the one country that will accept our kind. In America, these damn religious Nazis that now run the country want to tell people they have to live. Why can't I decide when children should die? Especially retards, damn I hate retarded kids!"

"The religious right has no right to tell us how long our relatives should live," said Terence Butter, Chairman of Die, Already! "In America, most health care money is spent on the elderly, but that is wrong, they should be allowed to die with what little dignity they have left after becoming old. The elderly really need to understand when it's their time, and if they don't understand, we should decide for them.

"My organization, Die, Already!, helps people move to the Netherlands with their parents, where they can help their parents along into the next world. The nazi-esque religious right in America thinks it has the right to tell people to live, or to tell our clients they can't kill their parents. With all that money locked up in treasury bills, they are expected to wait for it? It should be at least be invested in index funds."

"Like, some people just don't belong," said Sally Mayflower, member of Get Over It Or Get Lost, "People who are depressed are, you know, such a drag. Why don't they lighten up? If they are going to be down all the time, I say let them kill themselves. Like one time when my best friend said she wanted to, like, kill herself? I told her to move to the Netherlands? Where a doctor will, like, do it for you? Yeah so I haven't spoken to her since. She's probably on vacation. You know, 'cause, like, the Netherlands is sooo cool. Isn't that where pot is legal? Or is that Belgium?

"I hate Republicans. Get out of my pants, neocons!"