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New Test Confirms Ted Kennedy Is Douchebag

[9:50 CDT updated with interview with Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research - ed]

Leading medical researchers have been performing tests on Senator Ted Kennedy the past month and have reached the startling conclusion: Ted Kennedy is a douchebag.

"We were really amazed by this discovery," said Dr. Said Sambir, Kennedy's personal physician. "I had always assumed he was a human being. I mean, sure he drove drunk and killed women, but hey humans make mistakes. But the past few years I started having doubts as to his humanity. And now we finally have proof.

"Blood tests have come back, he really is a douchebag."

Dr. Sambir was referring to a new blood test that determines whether people are douchebags or not. The test was developed by Dr. Venkatesh Tamil, a leading douchebag researcher. "Every time a new country has elections, we hear the same thing. The elections won't work, you can't spread democracy by force, the insurgents are too strong, etc. etc. They said it about Germany after WWII when partisans there threatened to kill anyone that voted, they said it about South Korea, and Cambodia, and Venezuela, blah, blah blah. But people keep repeating this same old story as if it's new. And every time they have been proved wrong.

"Then I realized, maybe these pessimists that don't seem to believe in democracy are actually not human beings. After all, they seem to have no empathy for others struggling for their freedom. That's when it hit me, they must be douchebags. So after several years of work, I finally developed my douchebag test.

"I felt it was so important, that I did not patent the test, but am helping other doctors around the world begin testing journalists and politicians immediately."

"Some features of the douchebag," said Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research, "are a waxy-plastic complexion, though this is usually covered up with makeup so they can pass themselves off as human. These disguises are especially easy for those douchebags that are actors. Other features are a penchant for self-contradiction, lying, and lying to themselves most of all.

"Douchebags are also widely known for being filled with piss and vinegar. They are extremely angry and would probably benefit - not from anger management, though that would help - but from reading history, which might expose their ideas for not jiving with history. For instance, democracy has almost always been spread by force, since tyrants don't give up power willingly. Or the fact that 'fascists,' which is the favorite name calling word that douchebags use, were socialists, i.e. left-wing, not right-wing. Ironically douchebags make up 98% of the Socialist Party of America.

"Currently we are estimating that as much as 33% of the US population may be douchebags. The number is highest among pessimists and what we call 'scorched-earth activists.' These people, whether activists, politicians, or regular Americans, are people who would rather see everyone suffer than let their 'enemy' be right. Of course they deny this, but another feature of the douchebag in an inability for introspection.

"Our political researchers have also found that in many countries it is a requirement to be a douchebag before being posted to the UN. In some countries like France, douchebags make up 83% of the population."

Dr. Sambir elaborated further, "When Ted Kennedy said the US had lost the war and should admit their mistakes and leave immediately, and said this only two days before the Iraqi election, that was when I knew for sure he was a douchebag. At that point I didn't even need the test.

"Why would Kennedy make such statements that will be used by the insurgents just before the election? Doesn't he realize this gives the terrorists credibility and will embolden them and help them? Oh sure, people say words are not important, that he and the media can report only the bad things without having an effect on Iraq. That is a funny thing for a politician to say - that words have no effect. I have seen complaining and pessimism destroy project teams, they can easily undermine morale and confidence.

"I don't understand how senators who belong to a party called 'Democrat' would be against democracy just because it's a Republican president implementing it. Oh yes, they say they are not against democracy, but then why do they want to leave Iraq in the hands of Zarqawi, who said democracy is evil? Besides, who cares if they disagree with the reasons the US entered the war. They are there now, should the US not do the right thing?

"They all came out with statements saying Saddam must be toppled when Clinton was president. What made them all change their minds? Are we to believe Saddam was so good he influenced them to think more kindly of him?

"No, I think it's more likely they are douchebags. And now I have the test to prove it."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/29/2005 09:54:00 AM

KKK Needs TLC

Victoria Fontan, professor of Peace Studies at Colgate University, will follow up her study living with partisans in Iraq with a study on the Ku Klux Klan, she announced at a press conference featuring prominent Senators.

"We need to understand these freedom fighters, not call them terrorists," she said. "If we listened more to them and their complaints, then we would learn something. It is our policies that make them angry, they are not evil, not bad guys, they just disagree. If we would only listen, they wouldn't have to resort to violence.

"Over the years, even before civil rights legislation was passed, white people turned to violence against blacks as their only way of speaking out. Too often, whenever someone says we should listen to them, they are shouted down and called racist sympathizers. But no more. If we are going to heal this country, we have to sit down and listen to people like the KKK, to learn what they want. After all, they are only turning to lynching because people won't listen to their concerns."

"It is time to admit we lost against these insurgents," Senator Ted Kennedy said, "it is time for our police to go home, to stop prosecuting these 30 years old crimes, which are not crimes but cries for help by the oppressed. White people in this country need our understanding, not our judging them. Violence is the only way they can speak out. It is time to leave America in their hands. We aren't ready for elections yet, obviously. I only wish I had made this speech two days before Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday."

"Our government has been more concerned with not offending the NAACP than with reporting the truth," said Senator Barbara Boxer, "but it is time for the truth. White people have it hard in this country. They aren't all rich like the media want us to believe. Most people on welfare are poor white rural people. They are the new Minutemen, the militia, the freedom fighters."

"It is time for our domestic policy to change," said Senator John Kerry, "I am going to go on a fact finding mission to meet with heads of the Klan, the Church of the Creator, and other white supremacist groups, to see what kind of media campaign they want to implement. Hopefully I can help to bring about peace between them and the rest of America, with their Jews controlling everything and the Blacks living high on the hog off the state."

"I abhor violence," professor Fontan concluded, "We cannot use violence or police forces to enforce our will, that is wrong. I study peace, not fascist oppression. That is why I am embedding myself in the KKK, to accompany them on bombing runs, to see firsthand why they want to kill others, and hopefully to understand. I can't do anything to stop them or warn people though, that would interfere with the study.

"If we had been better listeners, Tim McVeigh would never have bombed all those children. I'm not saying it's all our fault. I'm just saying remember it takes two to start a fight. If we would only stop resisting the Klan and implement a more compassionate domestic policy, there would be no more violence."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/28/2005 11:21:00 AM

This Week In Pictures 3

Biosphere 2, which went up for sale last month, has finally been sold to National Snowglobe Corp. Pictured here is Carol Whetherby, the lone resident of the new tourist attraction billed as "The Largest Snowglobe In The World."



The dream that causes Jacques Chirac to wake up in a cold sweat each night. Talking in his sleep, he says "I do not understand, we paid the Vikings off. I thought they were appeased."



Pouring sand from his upraised hand, the President said "If you reporters don't start being nice to me I'll crush you like I crushed this diamond. Yeah that's right, it's called Captains of Crush. Come on, punks, bring it on. I told you don't mess with Texas."



The entrance to Auschwitz labor camp, which the UN has just identified as the focal point of the lies the Zionists used to take over the Western media and hold Muslims down everywhere.



Deflecting criticisms of racism for colluding with former Klansman Sen. Byrd to block the nomination of the first black female secretary of state, Sen. Barbara Boxer proves she is not a racist by showing off her "black friend" to the Senate.



During a visit to London, not wanting to insult his hosts (or throw up in public like his father), President Bush tells British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife "no really, I love English food."



The TV series 24 has become extremely popular in the mideast since rumors started that the second half of this season will be about how all terrorism is America and Israel's fault.



A Marine, apparently a Republican, lays down barbed wire near a polling place in Iraq, a blatant use of intimidation tactics to keep blacks from voting.



Jan Egeland of the UN specifically thanked the other, non-US and non-Australian navies of the world for helping with the tsunami disaster.

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/28/2005 12:35:00 AM

Satire Writers Out Of Work: World Too Crazy

Across the country comedy writers are being laid off, but not because of reality TV. A buzz was generated at the latest National Comedy and Satire Writers' Guild meeting, which took place in Paris, France yesterday, when TV "fake news" anchor Jon Stewart proclaimed "that's it, we're all out of jobs. The real world is nuttier than stuff even I can dream up."

This latest admission came upon news that the UN was appointing a fast-acting, human rights crisis-responding "Action Panel" consisting of, besides Hungary, the nations: China, Zimbabwe, and Cuba. These countries will be responsible for making decisions on what human rights crimes are to be investigated and prosecuted.

"Usually we like when politicians act stupid," Dennis Miller said, "but there at least needs to be some sanity. But nowadays, politicians are so extreme, there's no room for hyperbole. I used to joke that the UN wants to put tyrants and terrorists in charge of human rights monitoring. Now they went and did it."

Nationwide there has been an increase of 50% in unemployment applications among entertainers over the past month. At the Paris conference, which was picked last year when times were better for them, the expensive catering had been replaced with ham sandwiches. And many of the comedians looked like they had slept in the clothes they were wearing.

"China?" said Dennis Miller, "I mean hello, the nation that puts you in prison if you hand a public newspaper to a foreigner? And straps women down and forcibly gives them abortions and sterilizations? Putting them on a human rights watch panel is like giving DeGaulle a prize for humility. Oh they did? Well that's like giving a terrorist that helped kill a school full of children the Noble Peace Prize. What? They did that already? Damn! What is it with these guys?"

"How am I supposed to earn a living?" said current SNL news anchor Tina Fey. "Every time I write commentary about the news, I find out the truth is even worse.

"I was going to write about how the Republicans stole the election in Ohio, but then learned there was widespread fraud suspected in Milwaukee and Philadelphia, where Kerry won by even less. And now the FBI is investigating Milwaukee because of all the dead people that voted there. I didn't think there really was voter fraud, I just thought Boxer was making it up to get headlines."

Between speeches famous comedy writers like Conan O'Brian called on the more fortunate writers to give donations for the less fortunate satire and news-oriented writers, at least until the world gets less crazy.

"And look at Zimbabwe," said former SNL news anchor Norm MacDonald, "where the government encouraged murders of white people, and passed 'land-reform' that is causing mass famine and deaths? Just like every other mass starvation caused by Communist regimes like the Ukraine, USSR, China, North Korea."

Crashing the event was Jeanine Garofalo, who shouted "Our leaders are Nazis. Sure they want to confuse you saying the Nazis were socialists like me. But don't be confused by 'history.' Democracy doesn't work, we need violent revolution. America is a fascist state that takes away our freedom of speech. We are not allowed to speak our minds -"

At this point Garofalo was interrupted by Dennis Miller as he was being dragged away by French police, yelling "Hey where are you taking me? Hey, I can criticize DeGaulle! What about freedom of speech? This is a free country! Oh wait we're in France, damn I forgot it's illegal to criticize government leaders here. Hey!"

While Miller was dragged away we noticed many of the event goers were actually asleep. We woke a few up to find out why, and were told most of them were too weak from not eating. Things are so bad they are not even getting food.

"How can we make fun of a world like this?" asked David Sedaris, "where world leaders, not just kooks, actually believe peace means taking the side of terrorists? These are the same people that condemned the US's working with bad guys during the Cold War. So which is it? I can't possibly top that, I may as well give up. Watch, next the Red Cross will want Saddam released. Aren't there suffering people somewhere for them to help? Hey that's my joke, you can't steal it."

Already the new UN Action Panel has called for President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to be prosecuted for war crimes in Iraq and torture at Guantanamo Bay, which included playing "good cop, bad cop" and playing loud rock "devil's" music, which is offensive to Muslims. They also called for the release of Saddam Hussein, saying he was the target of a hate and propaganda campaign.

"Dammit!" yelled Sedaris when the news wire was read.

"Come on now, this is getting ridiculous," said Stewart, "how am I supposed to make fake news that is better than that? Ok you crazy UN guys, knock it off."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/27/2005 08:55:00 AM

Noble Savages Prove Superiority

Over a hundred thousand people died in the recent South Asian Tsunami, yet all of the Morgan tribe on the Thai island of Ko Surin Thai survived. Their survival has rocked the modern world and its ideas of "preparedness." Anthropologists and sociologists around the world are heralding this tribe's survival, while so many others died, as proof of the superiority of native ways, and are flocking to this corner of the world to study them to learn what truths we can take to apply to our modern lives. If indeed our lives remain modern and we don't find we should just return to our old hunting and gathering ways.

The Morgan tribe lives on the side of a large hill. When the wave hit, they had all already ran to the top of the hill, and thus were saved. But how did they know to go to the top of the hill? That is the question we, and leading anthropologists, sought to answer.

Salaman, the leader of the tribe, told us about the ancient wisdom he used to save his tribe. "I saw the wall of water coming, turned around and screamed 'Run as fast as you can! It's coming!'"

"As you can see, these people's ancient ways are clearly superior to our own," said Clyve Weatherspoon, Oxford professor of anthropology. "Imagine what prehistoric instinct told Salaman to tell his people to run - instinct that we have lost. Perhaps if we returned to the ancient ways, more people would have survived."

"This event proves the futility of our modern society," Barbara Chicherio, member of the Green National Committee of the Green Party USA, "these hunter-gatherers did something we could not. And now governments want to waste money on a tsunami warning system, when we have a biological one right here in these people."

After being evacuated to the small mainland harbor town of Khura Buri, the Morgan tribespeople marveled at the medical technology available.

"My diabetes is finally under control," said Mai Mai, an elderly woman of the tribe, "or as we call it, 'the disease that kills everyone at age 40.'"

"Look how much food there is!" said Juju, a twenty-five year old hunter, "usually it takes several days of hunting to bring back food to feed my three children. But look at all these shops in this market, the food is right here for the taking, for just some animal pelts. This is the best idea I ever saw."

"We will soon be repatriating the Morgan to their paradise island," said Chicherio, "they are already being corrupted by modern society. Look at that teenage girl, she would never wear clothes in the jungle, now look at her, covering herself up. Do you think she wants that? Do you think she wants the boys of her tribe to not be able to see her body. Who will want to buy her if they cannot see her?

"Many indigenous tribes have asked to stay. Obviously they are not thinking clearly, what use do they have for power or even steel tools? To build better shelters? They like their mud and straw huts, where every day is a fight for survival, hoping you'll find enough food that week, matching wits with Mother Nature. I truly envy them their existence, and I'm sure they can't wait to get back.

"Hey! Hands off that med-pack! You! Give me those rations back! Bad tribesman! Bad bad bad!

"Our evil society and technology has corrupted them. That is why we are forcibly repatriating them all. They will forget all the modern medicine and goods they could have soon enough.

"If only we could learn more from them. But our materialism is just too pernicious. They must be isolated for their own good. Someday they will thank us. Well, they won't be able to thank us, being isolated with no communication - but I'm sure if they could they would."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/26/2005 12:23:00 AM

NOW Wants Abortion Criminalized

We interviewed Mary Ludheim, president of the National Organization of Women (NOW), about China's one child policy and their recent law criminalizing abortions.

"China is perhaps the most progressive country in the world when it comes to women's rights," she said, "Children are not at home annoying their mothers, but often when not in school they get to work in factories, where they are seen and not heard, and punished if their productivity falls. This relieves women in China of much of the burden of child-rearing and puts it on the state, where it should be.

"The One Child policy, which I have stated over and over is truly positive for women and something we should implement here, also helps women get out of the house and into the workforce, since it is easier when you only have one child, especially when that child works 12 hour days in a factory. China has truly shown us the way to make these whiney brats not a burden anymore.

"There are some bad apples though, as there are in any society. Some women actually want to keep their retarded children, instead of mercifully putting them down. What good can a retarded child do for anyone? Not only that, there are some women that actually want to have children, and want to stay home to 'raise them right.' This arrogance cannot be tolerated. Imagine a parent thinking they can do a better job raising their children than the state can, whose education is influenced by NGOs such as NOW.

"Just the fact that anyone would want to have a child proves they are crazy. Children are punishment.

"Not only that, some women in China even try to have more than one child. Which is truly selfish. You know how much grain it takes to feed one child? That food could go to the needy, or to pay a salary of a woman wanting to work. That is why we support strapping the woman down and vacuuming them out. Forced sterilization is the only way to treat these women who only understand violence. And by violence I mean sex with men.

"And now we come to the truly evil and disgusting part. I'm sure you know about the great difference in birth rates of males and females in China. Some women, since they can have only one child, think it's ok to have an abortion if the fetus is female. It is not just a minority of the women either. I cannot believe the self-hatred so many women have. How dare they take away the potential lives of those innocent little women?

"China first started by saying women cannot have an abortion only because the fetus is female. This is not a restriction on their rights it is protection for female babies still in their mother's wombs, and we completely support it. But it has not worked, women are still terminating pregnancies if the fetus is female. So now finally last month, China has passed a law handing out criminal penalties to women who want elective abortions if the fetus is female.

"Finally China is doing the right thing to protect women. By not allowing elective abortions, they are protecting women from themselves. Evil women who want to kill baby girls will have to use coathangers now. Good riddance. The day this law passed was a great day for women in China.

"Hopefully our own government will see the wisdom in China's plan. We know we are overpopulated. As Malthus showed us, the human race cannot improve farming techniques and we should have died out decades ago. I don't know why were are still here, but I know each day that goes by we are in more and more danger. We need to control our population.

"That is why we are lobbying Congress to copy the Chinese plan. We should only allow people to have one child. Especially the poor and black people, since they are so much more ... needy. Yeah, that's why. And we should learn from China's mistakes and make elective abortions illegal right away, before we have too many abortions of baby girls. We know what is right for women, they can trust us.

"We must protect the rights of women. If that means we have to make decisions for women in order to make sure they keep their rights, then that is what we must do. We cannot allow people to use their rights to hurt themselves."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/25/2005 12:05:00 AM

Michael Moore Not Giving Back Oscar

Michael Moore announced today that he is not giving back his Academy Award for Bowling For Columbine in the documentary category, despite growing evidence that it was a mockumentary, not a documentary.

"Moore has done us all a great disservice," said Heimy Whiney, President of the Documentarian Society of America (DSA). "In all three of his movies, he presented partial truths and outright lies, and pretended it was a documentary, and all true.

"We have nothing against one sided documentaries, but they have to present the truth. Hell, I hate George Bush too, so do all enlightened people, duh! But if I lie in order to convince you that Bush lied, how do you know Bush really lied?

"He broke the Documentarian's Code."

"The Documentarian's Code binds us together," said George Blunt, Secretary General of DSA, "it unifies us, guides us. Without it, we are no different than any other movie maker. For a Documentarian to break the Code is the worst offense, since we can no longer trust anything he says. Whosover breaks the Documentarian's Code must suffer the worst punishment we can meet out: he shall be stripped of his camera and forced to eat salad, with diet dressing.

We spent some time trying to track down Moore. After our last interview regarding the giant turd boulder, he stopped going to his usual haunts, such as In N Out Burger, 7-Eleven, Wiener Factory, and even Hot Dog On A Stick.

Thanks to one of our sources we found his home. Knowing he would not talk to us, we began our converstation on the intercom at his driveway gate:

EOTB: Hi Michael Moore? This is Markos Zúniga, of Daily Kos? What up dog? Wanna blow some bile about the chimp?

MM: Kos? No shit dude, come in, I'm just injecting some hot dogs intrevenously. I'll buzz you in.

[we come in and confront him]

MM: Hey, you aren't Kos! What is this, you just break in?

EOTB: No, you let us in. We want to talk to you about Bowling For Columbine.

MM: Get the hell out, what kind of journalists are you? You can't just ambush people!

[after several hours of grilling, and withholding hot dogs until he talked, we got the following confession]

MM: All right, all right I lied, are you happy? The NRA was not started by Klan members, it was started by Union officers. Their earliest platforms were to protect black people's right to own guns, because back then black people needed guns to protect them from getting lynched, and the Democrats wanted to take that right away because they thought the blacks would "rise up." But that is not exciting or interesting. Can I have my hot dogs back?

EOTB: Not yet, tell us more.

MM: Fine, jerks!

[sob]

That bank in Michigan actually doesn't give the guns away at the bank, you had to pick them up at a gun store four hours away after a background check. I asked them to let me film it inside and just made it look like they gave them out at the bank! But they only did that for me because I called two months before and they wanted to be in a movie. So when I say it happened exactly like that, technically I'm not lying, see my genius?

And fine! We never gave money to the Taliban, ok? I lied about that too! And we didn't abandon Afghanistan after their war with Russia, but gave lots of humanitarian aid. We only stopped once the Taliban started taking over.

There! Are you happy? Damn you!

[cries]

How dare you come in here and make me tell the truth! Don't you know the truth isn't important? It's the emotional truth that is important.

Don't you get it? If I lie it doesn't matter. Bush lied to you, how can you not get that?

That is what matters, not if I lie! There is a higher standard for the president, you should be more worried about his lies.

EOTB: What did he lie about? Are you referring to the Nigerian documents? Can you offer proof the President knowingly lied? And even that that was the reason we went war?

MM: Of course we cannot prove he lied, we just know he did, that is all that is important. It's a conspiracy, don't you know? Of course those documents were not the reason we went to war, but we need to keep saying it was. Remember it's the emotional truth that is important, not the real truth on the surface.

He and his neocon cronies are too good at lying, that is why we are forced to lie! All our arguments about his lies are lies, sure, but that doesn't mean he didn't lie too!

Are you happy now? You jerk.

[sob]

Just one thing, Please, please don't tell the Documentarian Society of America. They'll make me eat salad!

After awhile, not being able to stand seeing a grown man cry, we had mercy and gave him his hot dogs back. He also asked us to publish his entire interview without "cutting or editing it together out of order, even though that's perfectly valid journalism which is why I do it," which we agreed to not do.

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/24/2005 09:15:00 AM

Liberals For Love Protest President

At the inauguration this week, Liberals For Love was one of the groups that showed up. "We are against American foreign aggression," said Zack Wartlove, "The US is an international bully. That is why we are here protesting this Nazi we have elected. We support pulling out of Iraq immediately, so that the insurgents will win. After all, they are the minutemen just like our revolutionaries over 200 years ago. The Iraqi people don't want elections, you can't use force to create democracy. Just look at Japan and Germany, did it work there? I think not!

"We need to be more like France, which never uses force except in extreme circumstances to stop evil. Such as defending Hutus in Rwanda, or North Africans in the Sudan, or anti-democracy rebels in the Ivory Coast."

Wartlove took us on a tour through the protestors at the Inauguration. We recorded the types of protests we saw:

Top five slogans:

1. To Dr. Rice: Go back to yo massah, Aunt Jemimah!
2. To Bush: I hope a suicide bomber kills you, fascist pigs!
3. To Holocaust survivors: No more Jew control! Die Jews and Republicans!
4. To Bush: Hopefully more of our boys will die in Iraq, that will show you!
5. To Bush: I wish I were a suicide bomber, you hatemonger!

Top five forms of protest:

1. Beating up Bush supporters, shouting "Stop suppressing our freedom of speech!"
2. Smashing FOX news cameras, shouting "Stop reporting pro-US stuff, you propaganda machine!"
3. Attacking Army recruiters, shouting "Stop lying to our kids. Go to Iraq and die!"
4. Spitting on wounded Marines, shouting "Feel sorry for Iraqi children, war criminal!"
5. Push Bush supporters in front of cars, saying "Just because we're anti-imperialist doesn't mean we're against violence."

"I feel we must apologize for that last guy," Wartlove told us after we showed him our observations, "obviously he is just a nutcase, he does not speak for the rest of us. When Republicans spout their hate speech, it's systemic among them. But when Democrats do it, it's just individual nuts."

posted by Pluto's Dad @ 1/23/2005 01:22:00 PM