Please Visit the new location for this site!: We will soon be automatically redirecting you.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Dog Boredom Sweeps Nation

At a recent Veterinarian Society of America conference, a buzz was generated by the paper "Bored Dogs Reach Epidemic Proportions" by veterinarian Neil Goodlove. Our reporters were granted this exclusive interview with him.

"If wives are 'football widows,' then dogs are 'football orphans,'" Dr Goodlove told us. "Every year more and more bowl games are added to the college football season. With the growing popularity of satellite TV, all of these games are available and the problem is only getting worse. That is why the Veterinarian Society of America has come out with a statement in support of a playoff season for college football, at least that will mean less games.

"No matter how many times it is explained to me, I still can't figure out how they decide who goes to the Rose Bowl or the championship bowl. The madness must end!

"But that is not all, things have gotten especially bad since Christmas. Many dog owners received Halo 2 or Knights of the Old Republic 2 from their girlfriends or wives, and this has only made matters worse. We are lobbying to place warning stickers on these games, saying 'Warning, may cause disappearance into rec rooms, inability of other family members to access TV, and ignoring of dogs.'"

He handed us a photo of a german shepherd. "See Rex here?" he said. "See this hot spot, this bare patch of skin? He tore his hair out there chewing on it, he was so bored out of his mind. And look at this shitzu, Max. Look how unhappy he is after having an accident in the house since his dad was too busy defeating the Sith to let him out."

"We have had increasing incidents of this sort of self-mutilation like chewing and pulling hair out," said Margaret Obtenezvie, canine psychologist. "Dogs are going stir-crazy with nothing to do. Some are chasing tails and running around barking, all in a vain attempt to get their owner's attention, who is glued to the TV.

"There is an increasing number of accidents since dogs are not being let out in time. Canine chakras are way out of alignment. We are also seeing an increase in oversleeping, not coming when called, and, most disconcerting of all, falling grades in obedience classes.

"This is Sammy," she said, indicating a black lab lying next to us. He raised his eyebrows eyeing us both at the mention of his name. "He used to get As in obedience class. Now he gets Cs. He also won't do his agility runs. His teachers say he simply doesn't pay attention anymore, he acts up in class, and always wants to be the center of attention. I have tried to get through to him, but he seems more interested in squirrels.

"I don't know what we're going to do with these problem dogs, but we have to find an answer soon. They're just not getting enough attention at home. Parents can't continue to just dump their discipline problems on the schools.

"This year will be the worst, since in the next few weeks, even as the football season ends and these owners finish up their video games, the new seasons of Battlestar Galactica and Stargate will start. And now there are two Stargates!"