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Monday, January 31, 2005

Whites Underwhelmingly Respond to Iraqi Election

Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was moved to tears during the Iraqi Elections, describing them "as important as the fall of the Berlin wall" and "no matter what party you come from, you have to be proud of these people and their courage braving danger to vote." Others pointed out that the fact that the leading party so far in the polls is not one the US would have preferred is the proof that this is the Iraqi's election, not a US puppet state.

But across the world whiter people, who are more sensitive to the needs of the Iraqi people, disagreed.

From Australia to Madrid, white people protested the elections. In America, white people hurled epithets at expatriate Iraqis going to the polls, calling them "sellouts", "traitors", and "monkeys," in a valiant effort to show their love for middle eastern tradition and disdain for Western influence over it - and for collaborators.

"Brown people don't want to vote, especially middle-eastern ones." said Greg Pason, National Secretary of the Socialist Party USA, "What they want is for their priests to rule over them and make decisions for them. That is why all socialist governments, like when the National Democratic Socialist Party ruled Germany, have had one party systems. It is easier on the people when they don't have to make choices.

"FOX News seems to go out of their way to find collaborators to interview, thus skewing our perceptions. Thank ... um ... no one ... for the rest of the media which reports the truth of what a quagmire Iraq is and how we're forcing freedom on them. Who are we to just assume everyone around the world wants freedom? The deaths of 31 people on election day should prove that we are wrong. How many more have to die before we stop interfering in their lives? "

"We need to treat Iraq like Rwanda, or the Sudan," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, "Just stay the hell out. France has handled those two countries just fine, hic. Why should we interfere? In fact, just yesterday a UN panel, under France's influence, hic, said there was no genocide happening in the Sudan - just like they said there wasn't in Rwanda. So see? hic. There's nothing to worry about. The darkies don't need the US butting in with our foreign aggression, they have France, a much more honest and compassionate partner to rely on."

On an even sadder note, news analysis has shown that even Al-Jazeera had more positive coverage than most Western news stations except for FOX News. In the New York Times, an article with a positive paragraph about the elections had that paragraph removed for the print edition, and the headline was changed to a decidedly more negative view.

"What is really sad is the darkies themselves have been fooled," said Bruce Ostrichia, President of People for Racial Equality. "When Al-Jazeera, which is usually so honest, starts promoting Republican propaganda, then you know there's a real problem. How can people so smart fall for such an obvious snow-job?"

Some, like Sen. John Kerry, appearing on Meet the Press, in what is perhaps the most emotional statement he has made in years, said the elections were "OK, but..." and went on to describe everything that's wrong and how there's a long way to go. When a partisan conservative reporter pointed out to him that people already know that, and why can't we just celebrate for even 24 hours, he said "I haven't been moved to tears since I had my tear ducts fused shut. Leaders cannot be emotional."

In fact the only white people that seem to be happy for the Iraqis are those that just recently threw off the yoke of tyranny. Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko said "We stand in solidarity with the Iraqi people. This is a great day for mankind, and a great day for people living under oppression in the rest of the Mid-east. Even Jordan is enacting democratic reforms as we speak." Some say obviously the people of the Ukraine have been fooled by their own "free" media, and need to go back to state controlled media so the state can remove any lies from news reports to keep the people safe from propaganda.

To get information on "the white street," before the elections we went to several of our Democrat friends and asked whether they were excited or not about the elections. Mostly we received negative feedback, about how people "are already being killed", and "we don't really know" if they want freedom and democracy or not, and how the "Communists also through spreading Communism was right." After the elections, we went around to the same people to ask how they felt, but they all waved us off and wouldn't talk about the elections, and seemed generally in a bad mood. We don't understand why since they were very willing to talk before, we thought they might have insightful opinions. So unfortunately we could not get any information on how "the white street" felt about the elections.

"This is all a conspiracy by Aunt Jemima Condi Rice," said Kennedy. "Just because she's black she thinks she knows what all the mud-people want? She should go back to her massah and make some war pancakes."