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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Dead Protest Fraud Allegations

"We are very upset at the allegations of fraud and malfeasance directed at us by Republicans in Washington State," said Elzoah Greybones, representative of Ghouls for Democrats. "It's bad enough that we are constantly under attack by Hollywood, what with their 'horror' movies and all, damaging our reputations. But now the Republicans want to take away our right to vote as well."

We interviewed Greybones as well as several other undead at a recent meeting of Ghouls for Democrats held in Seattle to discuss the recent Washington State governor election.

"It's a hard life, being undead," he continued, "we are hard workers, yet we suffer a 100% unemployment rate. No one will hire us, yet the Republicans don't want to give us social security benefits. Most of us live in poverty, wearing old tattered rags, Elijah over there has to wear chains because he can't afford a belt. It is not a pretty sight. Do you think we want to dress like this?

"The only time we can get any work is at Halloween, and there is only so much work to go around. Though thankfully this has been changing in the past decade, and some of our more recent dead have been able to get some work, thanks to LARPing - Live Action Role Playing - and more and more of these goth punk kids running around.

"It's not just lack of jobs and poverty. Children run from you, no one wants you around. Why just last week my friend Skullgore injured himself when he fell, hitting his head on the corner of a table. Half of his head was shorn off. But when he asked the family that lives in his home for help, did they? No, they yelled obscenities at him and ran away! They even hired a medium to get rid of him. Disgusting."

"No one wants to pway with me," said Bobby, a young looking boy of about 8 years old, with a cleaver stuck through his head, "All the othew kids wun away when I twy to pway. Onwy Mista Whiskas wilw pway," he said as he held up a dead rotting cat, (not an undead one, just a dead one.) "And Mista Whiskas is not as fun as he used to be. I wish the othew kids wiked me."

"I ha'en't been wid a man in years," Martha Mortlove, a large woman with a burned face and a mullet told us. "I drive de big rigs now, le' me tell you, it scares the living daylights out o' dem city folk when dey see my glowin' white rig come oud o' de fog. Hell it e'en scare the coun'ry folk. But damn, e'ry time I touch a man dey die of fright, an dat don' heep 'cause I ain' no necrophiliac, no sir. Am I really dat ugly?"

"And now, when we only want to vote like everyone else, the Republicans come along and try to stop us," a foppish man named Fantôme Monstre told us, "and to top it off, they insult our honor by saying we are fraudsters and jackobytes! I have never been so insulted in all my unlife. Why when I was a young lad in the Musketeers in France, I would have slain any man that dared speak to me that way.

"But these modern Republicans have no honor. When I went to the home of Dino Rossi to challenge him to pistols at dawn, did he accept? No, he ran from me like a catamite! Calling for a priest!"

"These sad stories are why tomorrow night," Skullgore told us, "we are calling for a mass protest of the dead outside the Capitol Building in Olympia, Washington. We have every right to vote, the Republicans can't take that away. Maybe they should start catering to us like the Democrats, who are perfectly happy with us voting. The Republicans want people to show ID when they vote, knowing we don't carry ID, they want to increase restrictions on undocumented workers ... in short, they are constantly against us.

"And now, when we helped get Gregoire elected, they want to overturn the election, saying our votes don't count! This is the last straw, we are going to march on the Capitol. Tomorrow night, the dead will walk!"