tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88241702024-03-14T05:10:09.579-05:00Eyes On The Ball Newsmore trusted than that other eyeball networkPluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comBlogger146125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1113778916488467912005-04-17T17:59:00.000-05:002005-04-17T18:01:56.490-05:00More posts at new siteWe have more posts at the new site.<br /><br />Including insights into the battle between cats and Wisconsin hunters. We'll embed our own reporters into this war to bring you the true horrible details of this violent confrontation.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com">http://www.eyesontheballnews.com</a><br /><br />Coming soon, interviews with the cat crusaders themselves as they wage their war on songbirds and hunting dogs.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1113539701943990102005-04-14T23:33:00.000-05:002005-04-15T00:12:47.213-05:00New URL ComingWe finally broke down and got our own domain and MT so we can use trackbacks and soon better comment software. Over the weekend we'll be upgrading the new site.<br /><br />It will be located at:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com">http://www.eyesontheballnews.com</a><br /><br />We just wanted to let all the spiders know.<br /><br />Our latest article <a href="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/archives/000002.html">CBS Pinch Hits For Sgrena</a>, can only be found there!Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1113487935739347742005-04-14T09:06:00.000-05:002005-04-14T09:16:55.590-05:00Tax: What Is It Good For?Absolutely a lot!<br /><br />It's time for an educational piece here at Eyes On The Ball. Since it's tax season, what better subject than to help inform our readers where their taxes go and what benefit they get out of it.<br /><br />First of all, did you know that 70% of your tax dollars goes to lawyers? That's right! First there is government waste, that sucks up 50% of all tax dollars in administration overhead. Much of that administration, such as congress, their aides, etc, is performed by lawyers. Alternatively, you can think of 50% of your dollars being spent on Bob's new office chair.<br /><br />Then there is Medicare, which is 30% of our GNP. About 20% of Medicare goes to pay doctors, hospitals, etc. The rest all goes to pay lawyers and accountants who work in managed insurance companies. Just think how great it will be when we have universal health care and our government is one giant HMO!<br /><br />That is most of the money you pay in taxes. What are the benefits of these taxes?<br /><br />Taxes discourage people from becoming "entrepreneurs," which is a fancy way of saying "people who think they're better than you." These people, like the rest of us, have been born into a certain station in life. But no, that's not good enough for them. They want to be "rich" - the selfish bastards. But taxes make it harder for them to snub the rest of us.<br /><br />Taxes have an increased benefit of getting rid of smarty pants people who are always acting better than you. Consider France, where taxes are even higher. France recently reported that their cancer researchers are all <a href="http://www.americanthinker.com/comments.php?comments_id=1978">moving to America</a>, because of the lower cost of research and lower taxes. Reportedly all over Europe medical researchers move to America and have been doing it a long time. This makes the Europeans very happy, since those researchers were always going around telling people what to do, bringing up "statistics" in their conversations, and generally making everyone else feel small.<br /><br />Taxes also keep the dirty rich from buying yachts, since that's all they'll do with the money anyway. And when all the little businesses that depend on boat sales, just like car sales, go out of business, they'll have Medicare, which means more money for lawyers! Hooray!<br /><br />Taxes make the rich richer and the poor poorer. How do they do this, you ask? Just consider the death tax. If some poor schmoe inheriteds a business, the owner has already paid taxes on those earnings. But when Joe Schmoe gets it, it's taxed again. But because taxes on say, a $2 million business (which might generate a $80,000 salary for the owner, plus employ a dozen people) are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, Joe must sell the business. Who will you sell it to? Someone with less money? No, someone with more money than him of course! So you, who are already rich, can buy the business and you get all that new income, while Joe loses the income and has to pay taxes with the money you paid him. Hooray! You who were rich, are now richer because of taxes!<br /><br />Finally, just think about all the accountants and lawyers who make a living because of taxes and regulations. Without them, all those poor people would be out of work.<br /><br />So when you pay your taxes tommorrow, remember - those taxes are buying a new Mustang for some lawyer's kid, and also keeping those smug people who want to be rich from getting ahead of you.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1113403461133497972005-04-13T09:43:00.000-05:002005-04-13T16:12:06.606-05:00This Day In History 1: Pony Express IMHere at Eyes On The Ball we like to look back in history to see what people were thinking. Recently we found a time capsule from the year 1840. In this time capsule were predictions for the future. We bring you one such prediction.<br /><br />We'd like to thank the Sketch Therapy class of Jerk Alert Productions taught by Phil Mottaz for help compiling this article.<br /><h4>Pony Express Instant Messaging</h4><br />In the future everyone will have their own Pony Express rider, or even several. This will make communication seem almost instant! Here is a scenario we envision, involving two friends, Crazy Guns Howard and Wild Will, who are both living in the year 1999.<br /><br /><br />Rider 1 and Rider 2 are standing beside Howard as he writes at his desk. Crazy Guns Howard is a banker, and he is taking a break from a hard days work giving loans to farmers, and protecting the people's money from robbers. That is why he has two Pony Express riders.<br /><br />Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hey Will what's up?<br />Howard hands paper to Rider 1. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.<br /><br />Wild Will is busy at work, he runs a printing press, where he is printing up leaflets to mobilize the South against further Northern enroachment into other people's business. Standing next to him is Rider 3.<br /><br />Wild Will is so buy, he ignores the rider, who just leaves the paper at Will's desk and then rides back to Crazy Gun's bank.<br /><br />Crazy Gun Howard goes through some bank ledgers for awhile, and notices the rider didn't come back with a note. So he writes up another note.<br /><br />Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hello? Busy?<br />He hands the note to the rider. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.<br /><br />Rider 1 drops the note off at Wild Will's desk. Wild will sighs with annoyance. <br /><br />Will (speaking out loud to self as he writes reply): I'm busy printing up leaflets. The North is trying to push us around. I M H O there's gonna be a war soon.<br /><br />Will hands the note back to Rider 1 who takes off back to Crazy Gun Howard's bank, and hands the note to Howard. Howard reads it and begins writing a reply.<br /><br />Howard: L O L! They wouldn't dare if they are smart! Hey wanna go catch a burlesque show later?<br /><br />While he is waiting, Will decides to write another note back to Crazy Gun Howard.<br /><br />Will: Wanna do some gambling tonight?<br /><br />Will hands his note to Rider 3, at the same time Howard hands his note to Rider 2. They both race past each other to deliver their notes. Both Will and Howard read their notes at the same time.<br /><br />Howard writes a response: Sure, if you don't want to see the show, gambling is ok.<br />He hands the note back to Rider 3.<br /><br />At the same time, Will writes: Yeah, the show sounds better than gambling. I hear Sultry Sue is in town this week.<br />Will hands the note back to Rider 2. <br /><br />Both Pony Express riders jump on their horses, passing each other as they race back to deliver their messages.<br /><br />Howard and Will both realize they crossed paths and laugh to themselves. Then at the same time they both write responses to each other:<br />They both write the same thing: L O L Let's just go to the cathouse.<br />And hand the notes off to their riders who race back to deliver it. When they receive the notes, they both smile and nod approvingly.<br /><br />Suddenly, a fourth rider enters Will's workplace. Will recognizes it as the personal Pony Express Instant Message rider of his girlfriend, Betty Sue. He dives under his desk hoping the rider hasn't seen him yet.<br /><br />Rider 4 looks around and doesn't see him. "I guess he's away from his desk" he says to himself, "his girlfriend sure will be disappointed." He leaves the message on the desk and walks back out.<br /><br />Will peeks above the desk realizing he is gone. "Whew that was a close one."<br /><br />Will pens another message to Howard: You did not just try to message me did you? I had to pretend I was away because Betty Sue's messenger arrived.<br /><br />He hands the note off to his rider, who races next door to the bank. Howard takes the message and reads it.<br /><br />He starts to write a reply, when suddenly another fifth Pony Express rider pops up out from behind another desk at the bank.<br /><br />"Hey, you shouldn't be back here, you broke in!" Howard shouts reaching for his guns at his hips.<br /><br />The fifth rider doesn't hand him a note, instead starts talking very loudly to no one in particular. "If you can see me, then your bank is not secure. You need Anti Rustler 2000 to stop seeing these unwanted message-"<br /><br />Just then Howard plugs the unwanted messenger full of lead, and he falls dead. He spins his shooting irons on his fingers and then as he puts them back in his holsters, says "thanks Popup Killer and Spaminator". Howard loves to talk to his guns.<br /><br />He writes back to Will: The Cathouse sounds good. I need to get some better security, another damn messenger popped in. See you at 8 o clock. L eight R.<br />He hands the note to one of his riders who races over to the press.<br /><br />Will reads it, and writes back: L eight R.<br />Will hands the note back and goes back to work.<br /><br />When Howard receives the note, he nods, and goes back to work.<br /><br />That is what the future will be like. The days of waiting for mail will be no more, as messages will be sent almost instantly, thanks to Personal Pony Express.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1113248613272152062005-04-11T14:36:00.000-05:002005-04-12T16:45:58.870-05:00Annoying Behavior Targetting By LawmakersLawmakers thrilled with the harsh <a href="http://msnbc.msn.com/id/7432555/">9 year sentence</a> imposed on Jeremy Jaynes for spamming are set to introduce a new set of laws that will make annoying behavior a felony.<br /><br />"Nine years may seem like a long time for sending junk email," said Prosecutor Lisa Hicks-Thomas, "but think of the annoyance of having to click through all those emails. Is any sentence harsh enough? I don't think so."<br /><br />Because of the success of this law, lawmakers all across America are passing new anti-annoyance statutes that go farther than the old noise based public disturbance laws.<br /><br />One such law includes California's new bill that makes it a crime to proselytize Christianity. Any Christian found trying to convert another, or even any Protestant Christian trying to convert a Catholic, will be fined $100,000 and be sentenced from 5 to 10 years in jail. There is no fine planned for any other religion, however.<br /><br />In Texas, a similar law is in place that will assess jail terms against anyone who says the government should raise taxes or give more money to welfare. Reportedly the entire city of Austin is already behind bars.<br /><br />Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. Fat Acceptance America has successfully lobbied in Illinois, where Chicago is named the "heaviest city in America," to assess criminal penalties against anyone who works out in public, since this annoys fat people. Similarly, Lose It Or Move It, a national health conscious group, also lobbied for a law that will prohibit fat people from complaining about their weight while not doing anything about it. Both penalties include a minimum 10 years in jail.<br /><br />"Fat people have a real hard time," said Risa Brye of Fat Acceptance America, "I'm sick of driving and seeing people jogging on the corner waiting for the light - trying to keep their heartrate up. Puh-leeze! All those damn skinny judgmental people will have to now gain weight or go to jail. Finally everyone will be equal."<br /><br />"Is there anything more annoying than some fat chick who constantly complains about her weight, while consuming beer and pizza?" said Chris Trisportus of Lose it or Move it, "Or worse, saying 'I tried every diet' when she really means she tried them all only for a month and kept quitting? Finally we may get some peace from the constant whining of those who refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior."<br /><br />When we asked him about the impact of the new no-workouts-in-public law, he said "We predict a rise in shin splints as we have to move to all indoor sports, but we are retaliating by introducing a new law against chewing with your mouth open. That one is only going to be a five year sentence, but the funny thing is we don't eat out anyway since we have to weigh and measure everything, so the joke's on them."<br /><br />Of course, many people find talk about the war annoying. In most "blue" states, anyone caught supporting the war is immediately drafted into the Army and sent over to volunteer. "Let them go fight if they're so pro war" said one protestor.<br /><br />Conversely, in "red" states, laws have been passed stating that anyone speaking in public against the war be immediately shipped off to the Sudan or Ivory Coast to make peace via pacifist methods. They are allowed to return after 2 weeks - that is, if they are still alive.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1112971275250506742005-04-08T09:35:00.000-05:002005-05-05T11:14:31.140-05:00The Week In Pictures 11<center><em><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/pigs_are_flying.jpg"><br />"Honey, remember when you said 'When Pigs fly?' ... "<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/empireshopping.jpg"><br />Some troops are paid so poorly they are forced to shop at The Dollar Store<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/mensa.jpg"><br />The USS Mensa, displaying its giant plus sign, is seen on Lake Michigan sailing to help rescue failing Chicago schools.<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/pig_steeplechase.jpg"><br />When jockeys go on strike.<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/fat_stormtrooper2.jpg"><br />Bubba, the recently reactivated 2nd Stormtrooper from the left, hopes the other guys don't notice all the weight he's put on since the last time they were on active duty.<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/funnyface_no342.jpg"><br />Seeking to dissuade China from its recent rhetoric, President Bush demonstrates his Ear Wiggling Technique at the Kung Fu festival in Taiwan.<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/AmericasYouth.jpg"><br />"You must be at least this tall to become President"<br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week11/seniors_too.jpg"><br />Youth, Seniors, what about the middle aged?<br /></em></center>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1112816569147163292005-04-06T14:42:00.000-05:002005-04-06T14:42:49.156-05:00Two Bored Englishman, a Phone, and a Deus Ex Machina<p class="Speech"><u>CAST</u></p><p class="Speech">GUY 1: Englishman</p><p class="Speech">GUY 2: Englishman</p><p class="StageDirections">(sitting on couches in living room)</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">This is boring</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Yep, this is boring</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">This is almost as boring as that Young Ones sketch</p><p class="Name">GuY 2</p><p class="Speech">Yep, this is really boring</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">I think it’s time to pontificate upon the price of oil</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes, let us preach to each other</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Oil is too high. It’s all Venezuala’s fault</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Or more specifically, Chavez the leader of Venezuala.</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">Yes, that guy</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">He is a ruthless dictator oppressing his people</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes, he is</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">Don’t you have a voice of your own?</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Aren’t we running out of time?</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">Yes, I think we are</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes, quite</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Well now what?</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Well let’s read the mail</p><p class="StageDirections">(phone rings)</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Hold on then, I’ve got a call</p><p class="StageDirections">(picks up phone)</p><p class="Speech">Hello? Yes? Yes?</p><p class="StageDirections">(hands phone to GUY 2)</p><p class="Speech">Here, it’s for you</p><p class="Name">GUY 2</p><p class="Speech">Hello? Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. </p><p class="StageDirections">(listens to phone for a few minutes)</p><p class="Speech">All right then. Sorry, wrong number.</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Who was it, then?</p><p class="Name">Guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Don’t know, didn’t ask, wrong number you know.</p><p class="Name">GUY 1</p><p class="Speech">I thought it was probably a wrong number</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes, you thought correctly.</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Well now, what’s that?</p><p class="StageDirections">(large chariot comes out of sky)</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">It looks like some sort of mechanized chariot</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Just in time to save this sketch, in my opinion</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Yes, quite.</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Where do you suppose it goes?</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Don’t know. Shall we?</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">After you</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">No, after you</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Age before Beauty</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Brains before Braun</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Well thank you, I have been working out</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">So I noticed</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Well, on to this chariot, then</p><p class="StageDirections">(they get on)</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">How do we get started?</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">I think we press this button here</p><p class="Name">guy 2</p><p class="Speech">Well, only one way to find out, isn’t there?</p><p class="Name">guy 1</p><p class="Speech">Yes, I’m pressing the button ... now</p><p class="StageDirections">(GUY 1 presses button. Chariot flys away.)</p><p class="StageDirections">(exeunt)</p>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1112371256003344182005-04-04T14:56:00.000-05:002005-04-04T15:02:45.566-05:00Pacifists For Tyranny Deface Medal Of Honor MonumentPeace activists <a href="http://www.americanthinker.com/comments.php?comments_id=1894">defaced</a> the <a href="http://www.ipalco.com/ABOUTIPALCO/Community/Memorial_2.html">Medal of Honor Memorial</a> in Indianapolis last week, taking credit for the action was Bob Ostrich, president of Pacifists For Tyranny. Bob explained his reasoning to us:<br /><br />"War is bad. I'd rather not be free to say these things, than to have to actually <em>fight</em> for my freedom. Someone might get hurt! After all if you don't fight evil, it won't bother fighting back. Obviously no one will get killed if we refuse to fight! <br /><br />"Look at the millions dying now in Zimbabwe, or people in Venezuela now. None of them have to die. If we stopped encouraging people to fight tyranny then they wouldn't die! Is freedom really worth more than your life? Quality of life is not important, unless you're retarded or ill, then you are better off dead. But dying for freedom?<br /><br />"That is why we had to deface the memorial. Because all those men were wrong and evildoers. They could have resisted, gone to Canada, but they did not. Which makes them just as guilty as our Right wing leaders. When will our nation realize how bad and selfish we are and start listening to the rest of the world?<br /><br />"Give us liberty or give us tyranny!"Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1112367545606867302005-04-01T08:50:00.000-06:002005-04-01T08:59:56.663-06:00Terri Schiavo Wanted Us to Have A Million DollarsDear Mr. Michael Schiavo,<br /><br />We are sorry to hear of your wife's recent demise. This may seem like a bad time, but we suddenly remembered she once wrote to us and told us that if she ever passed away, and you had a million dollars awarded to you, she wanted us to have it.<br /><br />Our senior editor Pluto's Dad remembers the conversation very well. It was over drinks at the Mahi-Tiki restaurant in Orlando, Florida. You were out of town that weekend, and she wanted to meet our editor to discuss life and death issues, since those were her favorite topic and talked about them all the time.<br /><br />She seemed very upset that you might end up with too much money, she believed money was corrupting and would be bad for you. She wanted you to be comfortable, but not too comfortable, you know what we mean? <br /><br />We are sorry we didn't remember this until now, but it just suddenly came to us. I guess with all the hubbub we just plumb forgot! I'm sure you understand. You yourself forgot your wife wanted to die for several years, then suddenly remembered once you received the judgement for 1.6 million. Just like you suddenly remembered she wanted to be cremated after her parents asked for an autopsy.<br /><br />Yeah, Terri really loved discussing all the things that should happen after she died, didn't she? We cannot believe we forgot it all, but now that you bring these things up, we remember that you could not shut her up about death. Like that one time you two and Pluto's Dad were walking down the street, and she saw an old man with a cold and said "he's going to die of pneumonia". Then later that same day we passed by that old woman with a walker, and she said "if I ever need a walker, just put me down, I don't want to live like that."<br /><br />Yeah, those were the days.<br /><br />So... When can we expect our check?Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1112364808327156012005-04-01T08:08:00.000-06:002005-04-01T08:23:04.633-06:00Hundreds of Appeals Overturned<h4>"Trust the courts" say Democrats</h4>A new wave of trust in our judicial system has been sweeping the ranks of the Democratic party. It all started with the controversial Terri Schiavo case, but has reached into every corner of society.<br /><br />"We need to trust that findings of facts in trial courts are correct," said Al Sharpton in a press conference today. "The idea that there is injustice against black people is ludicrous, just as the idea that a rich person being able to hire better lawyers affects the outcome of a trial is ludicrous. Justice is blind, everyone knows that."<br /><br />"I regret ever letting all those criminals go," said Republican George Ryan, former Governor of Illinois. Ryan became famous, and the poster boy for criminal litigation reform, when he let over 171 prisoners on death row go; not because DNA exonerated them, as is widely believed, but because his team of fact finders believed them and felt sorry for them. "Who was I to overturn convictions and pardon people? I mean come on! Are we really supposed to believe that a 250 lb guy was forced to kill his 120 lb girlfriend in self defense? Come on! Do I look stupid?"<br /><br />This week thousands of people protested in Chicago against letting almost 200 black criminals go. The protests were led by the NAACP. "The trial court said they were guilty, so they are guilty!" said NAACP Chairman Julian Bond. "Who are we to question the courts?" <br /><br />Thousands of African American protesters chanted "Put 'em back in jail! Blackie gets no bail!" and "Our danger has grown bigger, since you freed those n***"<br /><br />In response, all across Illinois, those same 171 former prisoners are being arrested and thrown back in jail, their commutations overturned by Democratic IL Governor Rod Blagojevich. "We have to get these guys back in jail," he said, "the original findings of fact must stand. That is how our system works, we need to respect it. If we start believing that trial courts make mistakes it will all break down. Then there will be anarchy."<br /><br />"I am really glad this is happening," said OJ Simpson, "Maybe finally people will leave me alone, now that we know the courts are always right. I was pronounced innocent, and we all know the courts never make mistakes, especially with black defendants."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111691502064641982005-03-31T08:10:00.000-06:002005-03-31T08:51:38.980-06:00Mapes' Manuscript Forged!You heard it here first, unimpeachable sources have told us that Mary Mapes' manuscript, "The Other Side of the Story," to be published by St. Martin's Press for an undisclosed 6 figure advance, has been forged.<br /><br />"I can't believe this has happened to me <em>again</em>," she told us, "This is a conspiracy, I'll bet that bastard KKK Karl is behind it."<br /><br />Mapes said she handed the manuscript to a bike messenger named Rosa who was to deliver it to the St. Martin's Press office. However, records at St. Martin's show it did not arrive after 15 minutes as it should have, but it took the messenger 2 hours to deliver the manuscript. It was during this period Mapes believes the messenger switched her manuscript with the forged one.<br /><br />"The forged manuscript says ridiculous things, like 'Bush is the worst president ever.' I would never say that! That would mean I'm biased!" she explained. "All my life I have fought for truth. I target Democrats as well. Like that one time I ... well there was the other time I ... nevermind I don't have to defend myself. <br /><br />"For five years I looked into George Bush's history at the guard because there is a real story there. The only reason I can't find anything is because Karl Rove has spent the past 30 years hiding the facts. This is not at all like the Swift Boat Vets hating Kerry and making up lies. This is real, not made up by hatemongers and liars."<br /><br />"We are tired of these constant forgeries by the right trying to make us look bad," said Dan Rather in a rare post-anchor interview. "It was bad enough with the national guard memos, that Karl Rove forged just to make us look stupid. And now last week they forged a GOP Memo that showed the Republicans were fighting to keep Terri Schiavo alive only for political gain. Now we know <a href="http://powerlineblog.com/archives/2005_03.php#010016">that memo was forged</a>. And as usual, it looks like a Democrat did it, when in reality we know Karl Rove forged it so that we would again look like we hated the Republicans so much we were willing to lie."<br /><br />"Even the Iraq-Nigerian connection memos are now looking like they were <a href="http://scyllacharybdis.blogspot.com/2005/03/beneath-plame-faking-classified.html">forged by Democrats</a>. So now the Republicans can use this to say <a href="http://powerlineblog.com/archives/2005_03.php#009817">Bush never lied</a>! That Rove is so evil! <br /><br />"See how his lies are layer upon layer? What a genius! He's been planning this since the early 90s, which also proves the 2000 election was a fraud because how could he have made all these things happen in the past unless he knew for sure Bush Jr. would get elected?<br /><br />"Why oh why are we targeted? We only want to report the truth to the people. I am not biased; I have Republican friends. Really. So where do they get the idea that I am biased? It's not my fault Rove keeps forging documents and making them look like Democrats forged them. I'm just trying to expose the truth. Which means I have to ignore the lies that that the 'forensic experts' tell us, because even they have been fooled by Rove's crack team of document forgers. I have to ignore the facts on the surface and look deeper."<br /><br />"We were going to publish this but now we probably aren't," said Bob Terwell of St. Martin's Press, "we wanted an expose on how Mapes was framed by the evil Karl Rove propaganda machine, but this is obviously a forgery. We knew it was a forgery the second we saw the words 'Republicans are evil selfish rich lying bastards' because knew she would never say anything like that. I mean, sure Republicans don't care about the poor or middle class, and sure they want oil and are willing to kill Americans to get it, but that does not make them selfish rich evil lying bastards, after all, we are not biased. <br /><br />"We demand the FBI investigate this and drop that silly investigation alleging that <a rhef="http://www.nypost.com/postopinion/editorial/40345.htm">ten thousand dead who voted for Kerry</a> in Milwaukee, as if that ever happened. But of course they probably won't, since they are biased and are the thugs of Bush."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111680814648182462005-03-24T10:10:00.000-06:002005-03-24T21:15:46.456-06:00Researchers Discover More Pain Means More EuphoriaNow that, thanks to some of the more fair-minded and liberal press, we now know starvation and dehydration are <a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-schaivodeath23mar23,1,1868653.story?ctrack=1&cset=true">peaceful ways to die</a>, where your last weeks on earth are spent in a state of euphoria, Eyes On The Ball is proud to announce its affiliation with Euphoria Victories In Limbo (E.V.I.L.), a group dedicated to re-igniting the stalled death with dignity movement and stopping the Christian Right from taking away our right to die euphorically.<br /><br />"The body releases endorphins naturally to deal with pain," said Dr. Ralph Schmerzmeister, pain management doctor at the Mayo Clinic and founder of Hypocrisy of Hippocrates. "This is what is colloquially known as runner's high. Endorphins are a natural painkiller, and are released in the body whenever there is pain, whether it is from inflammation due to running, or freezing, or starving.<br /><br />"Therefore, by inflicting pain, you coax the body to release endorphins, inducing a state of euphoria."<br /><br />Across the nation, E.V.I.L. has helped youths to form euphoria clubs, to spread the message of how euphoria can be naturally induced. We accompanied one such group walking the halls of Peoria High School. One boy ran up to a girl and smacked her on the back of the head with his Trapper Keeper. <br /><br />"Hey!" she yelled, "what was that for?!"<br /><br />"Just wait a second," he yelled as he ran away, "soon you will feel the rush of endorphines kick in."<br /><br />"What? I never ... ooh, oh yes that feels good."<br /><br />Other groups, like the KKK, have updated their mission statements. Bill Whitehead of the Southern Illinois chapter of the Klan told us "we are dedicated to helping the black man feel as euphoric as possible. If starving releases endorphines, imaging how much more endorphins, and how much more euphoria, will be released through the use of ropes or chains to cause pain."<br /><br />"To die in such a state of euphoria is truly a better death than many of us will receive" said Matthew Hale, leader of Church of the Creator and currently in jail for soliciting the murder of a federal judge. "That is what the fascist Right does not understand, all we want is euphoria for everyone. And since you can't have constant euphoria, you might as well die right at the moment of greatest euphoria. Some of us have to stay behind to make sure people have the right to die. It is a tough sacrifice but I am willing to do it."<br /><br />Jacques Chirac of France told us "this is why we were against interfering in Somalia and again in Zimbabwe. The media likes to show pictures of only the initial few days of suffering, it does not show the euphoria and the pleasure of the millions starving to death in Africa as we speak. They will meet a much better death starving than working in gem mines. And besides, it makes it easier to divert attention to America and to pretend France is not complicit in genocide. Wait, did I just say that out loud?"<br /><br />Howard Verlierer of the Hemlock society also said "We used to counsel people to take sleeping pills, but even that is not painless but a harsh death where you asphyxiate while you are still awake. Now we see the error of our ways. We have helped several teenagers suffering from depression to throw out their medication and starve to death, we even have helped them by locking them in rooms so no one is tempted to bring them food. By all accounts, their deaths have been pain free and enlightening. <br /><br />"This is even better than freezing to death. I'm going to get all my friends to try this."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111450529501150182005-03-22T06:11:00.000-06:002005-03-21T21:57:33.176-06:00Extremist Sports<p class="Speech">KYLE skater punk leader of group</p> <p class="Speech">BUBBA: KKK</p> <p class="Speech">SAIEED: Muslim fanatic</p> <p class="Speech">CLETUS: militia gun nut</p> <p class="Speech">MOONWAVE: feminazi/eco-terrorist</p> <p class="StageDirections">(groups enters skating)</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">woo hoo! That was one radical halfpipe they have set up, huh guys?</p> <p class="Name">Group</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah! Awesome! Etc</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Ok now, you guys paid for 3 days of extreme sports, so we have 2 days left. Now what do you want to do next?</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="Speech">Let's snowboard!</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">I wanna do some cliff climbing!</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">Lets' go beat up some Muslims!</p> <p class="StageDirections">(group is dead silent)</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">I am a Muslim, and I am very offended. We are not all bombers you know.</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">Well ok, ... let's go beat up some Jews then!</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">Ok that's cool</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">What? No! No we are not beating anyone up! Now I like E's idea of snowboarding, who's up for that?</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="Speech">I don't feel like snowboarding anymore</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Neither do I</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Oh great. Now see what you did? Come on guys; don't let this guy ruin it for you. You paid for 3 days, now let's do something extreme!</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">To tell the truth I don't feel like it either.</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">I still say we beat up some Jews</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Shut up! This is extreme sports! Not extremist sports!</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">What?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">I said -</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">I heard you. This sounds like false advertising</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Oh come on, who ever heard of extremist sports?</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">So we're not going to beat up gays?</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="StageDirections">(angry to B)</p> <p class="Speech">Hey! What’s wrong with gays?</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah, what's wrong with - oh uh, nevermind.</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">No, we're not beating up gays</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">Or N**ggers?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="StageDirections">(looks around nervously) </p> <p class="Speech">No! Shut up! You wanna get us beat up? You can't say that word!</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">So, no Jews? Kites?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">No! </p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">What about wetbacks? Whops? Greaseballs? Illegal immigrants of all colors?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">No! No! NO! We're here to skate, all right? Now leave or shut up!</p> <p class="Name">BUBBA</p> <p class="Speech">That’s it! I'm out a here! This is NOT what I signed up for.</p> <p class="StageDirections">(exit B)</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">"You're not getting a refund!"</p> <p class="StageDirections">(to group)</p> <p class="Speech">Ok finally he's gone, now we rock and roll! Now, who's up for some snowboarding?</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">So... we're not going to kill Jews?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">What? No!</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Wait, I thought we were gonna bomb the FBI or the government? or somethin?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">What? No! Didn't I just go through this? No bombs, no killing Jews or whiteys or blacks. None of that. This is extreme SPORTS, not sports for extreme people.</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="StageDirections">(incredulous) </p> <p class="Speech">Well, you could have been a little more clear.</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah, you could have just said "snowboarding" or "cliff diving" or something, instead of "extreme". How are we supposed to know what "extreme" means?</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah it means different things to different people. </p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">This sounds like the illegal tactic of bait and switch, the preferred marketing tactic of ... the Jew... </p> <p class="StageDirections">(group : sharp intake of breath, like OMG!)</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">Are you a Jew?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">No!</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="Speech">Why are you so defensive about it then?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">I'm not being defensive!</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Oh yeah he's being defensive allright. What's wrong? Only got a million dollars in your bank account your daddy gave you?</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">Gonna go oppress some Palestinians tonight?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What is wrong with you people?</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p> <p class="Speech">Look how angry he is</p> <p class="Name">CLETUS</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah, now who's the extreme one?</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Ok fine! We’ll have a skate off. If I can out skate the 3 of you, then you shut up about beating up Jews, and we go snowboarding. If any of you guys beat me, then we'll go beat up Jews, all right?</p> <p class="Name">group:</p> <p class="StageDirections">(in Ebonics)<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="Speech">"aiight" </p> <p class="StageDirections">(skate off, should last about 45 seconds. do silly things, some people fall eventually it's down to A and D, D cuts A off at last second, wins)</p> <p class="Name">group</p> <p class="Speech">Yeah! We won!</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Oh my god. Ok.. Fine. Where are some Jews we can beat up?</p> <p class="Name">SAIEED</p> <p class="Speech">Well if you ask me, we're looking at one</p> <p class="StageDirections">(others nod)</p> <p class="Name">KYLE</p> <p class="Speech">Wha? - -- uH ok lets -</p> <p class="StageDirections">(runs. exit KYLE. Group laughs as he runs.)</p> <p class="Name">MOONWAVE</p><p class="Speech">Let's go back to my Cabin. I got the new Snoop Dog CD.<p class="Name">OTHERS</p><p class="Speech">Aiight</p><p class="StageDirections">(exeunt)</p> <p class="Speech"><o:p> </o:p></p>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111437002725839142005-03-21T14:29:00.000-06:002005-03-21T14:33:21.046-06:00The Flamco Barkmaster 3000(saul’s office, saul at desk)<br />(enter John carrying small speaker in hand, Chris behind)<br />CHRIS<br />I’m sorry sir, he just barged in, I couldn’t stop him.<br />SAUL<br />Barging into my office, eh?<br />JOHN<br />I have a complaint!<br />(slams device down on desk)<br />SAUL<br />I think I know what this is about, I can handle this Chris.<br />(Exit Chris back to her desk)<br />Now tell me what the problem is.<br />JOHN<br />This darn burglar scarer. It’s supposed to bark like a scary dog when a burglar comes by, but it doesn’t work.<br />SAUL<br />Really? But the Barkmaster 3000 is our best model. Let’s see.<br />(Saul, goes to front of desk, waves hand in front of box, activating motion detectors)<br />BARKMASTER 2000<br />Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!<br />SAUL<br />Well I don’t see the problem, it’s working fine.<br />JOHN<br />You don’t see the problem? The problem is it sounds like a tiny yippy dog! It’s supposed to sound like a big scary dog!<br />SAUL<br />Oh I disagree. That is most scary. I’m shaking right now.<br />(waves hand in front)<br />BARKMASTER 2000<br />Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!<br />(enter Chris)<br />CHRIS<br />What’s going on? I heard a vicious dog attacking you! Are you alright?<br />SAUL<br />I’m ok, thanks Chris.<br />CHRIS<br />Ok, let me know if you need anything<br />(exit Chris)<br />JOHN<br />Wha? … that is ridiculous. This thing doesn’t work.<br />SAUL<br />Oh … I think I understand. See, you have it set on the “friendly” setting. You have to change it to the “angry” setting.<br />(changes switch on box, waves hand in front)<br />BARKMASTER 2000<br />(says each “yip” lounder and holds them longer)<br />Yiiiiiiiipp! Yiiiiiip! Yiiiiiiip!<br />(Saul jumps over desk and hides behind it)<br />JOHN<br />That doesn’t even sound like a dog!<br />SAUL<br />Are you kidding? Where did that scary dog go? It was just here!<br />(enter chris)<br />CHRIS<br />Oh my god are you ok Saul? I heard a vicious dog!<br />SAUL<br />No, I’m ok, I think it was just that barking dog device.<br />CHRIS<br />That is sure scary! If I were a burglar, I would never try to break in a house if I heard that sound coming out.<br />JOHN<br />But I was robbed last week!<br />CHRIS<br />That’s crazy!<br />SAUL<br />You were robbed, are you sure you had the Barkmaster 3000 turned on?<br />JOHN<br />Yes, the thief even left me a note.<br />(pulls out note)<br />“I really only came in to kill your annoying yappy dog, but found this. Robbing you was just a bonus.”<br />CHRIS<br />Um.. I’d better get back to my desk.<br />(exit chris)<br />SAUL<br />Hmmm… I think I see the problem. We have to set this to extreme aggression.<br />(switches device to extreme)<br />Now be prepared …<br />(waves hand in front)<br />BARKING DOG MACHING<br />Yip ……… ee kai yay, mutha fucka!<br />JOHN<br />Wha? –<br />(enter chris with gun, swinging it wildly like has no idea how to use it, they both duck)<br />CHRIS <br />Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!<br />JOHN<br />Woa are you crazy!?<br />CHRIS<br />But I heard a really really vicious dog this time. It sounded like it was one of those Texan dogs<br />JOHN<br />That wasn’t even a dog! Dogs don’t talk!<br />SAUL<br />It sure sounded like a dog to me, I was scared … <br />(they stand there looking at each other for a moment)<br />ok fine you caught us, ok?. How much did they steal?<br />JOHN<br />About 500 bucks.<br />SAUL<br />Here, here’s 500 bucks. Just go.<br />(hands money over to john)<br />JOHN<br />Thanks for nothing. I’ll go now.<br />SAUL<br />Wait, just … don’t tell anybody about this, ok?<br />JOHN<br />Hmph.<br />(exit john)<br />CHRIS<br />What’s going to happen to us now, Saul?<br />SAUL<br />We make love like two wild, noisy animals, Chris.<br />(picks up Barkmaster 3000)<br />That gives me an idea. This thing records, doesn’t it?<br />(exeunt)Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111275323281628482005-03-19T17:32:00.000-06:002005-03-19T18:43:07.323-06:00Don't Apologize - Kill ThemAcross Iraq there were protests following the massive terrorist attack by Jordanian terrorists. Many Iraqis protesting called in radio stations and newspapers with messages for President Bush. The main message was "don't apologize to us for our deaths. Instead, <a href="http://hammorabi.blogspot.com/2005/03/iraqi-citizens-calls-for-president.html">kill the terrorists</a>."<br /><br />"This is horrible, absolutely horrible," said journalist Giuliana Sgrena of Il-Manifesto. "Don't these people realize that Bush is the problem, not the insurgents? If Bush did not invade, just left Saddam in power so France and Germany could get cheap oil, then there would be no terrorist attacks. In fact, only a few thousand people a year would die in Saddam's prisons, unlike the gazillions that have died since Bush's war of aggression.<br /><br />"This is just like the refugees of Fallujah, who <a href="http://www.postgazette.com/pg/05072/470072.stm">would not listen</a> to me when I told them the American Marines were massacring their people. They tried to enforce their view of the truth on me, that the <a href="/2004/11/thanksgiving-in-fallujah.html">insurgents were killing</a> them all. Just because the refugees were there they think they know what was going on? They think they can tell <em>me</em> what happened? And after everything I've done for them too, trying to keep Uncie Saddam in power to protect them."<br /><br />"Two wrongs don't make a right," said Sen. Ted Kennedy in a joint press conference with Sen. John Kerry, "we can't just kill terrorists because they killed. The only reason they turn to violence is because of our evil Crusade to impose Western culture on the world. Values like allowing women to vote, or allowing people to own their own farms and property. Or giving people in the third world jobs making goods for us, when they would have no jobs otherwise."<br /><br />Sen. Kerry added "The fact that the Iraqi people want revenge against the terrorists is proof our evil has corrupted them. Revenge, killing, death, those are actions of Americans, not Muslims. This should be enough to convince us that we need the French, Spanish, and Italians to come take over to give the new government legitimacy and to guide the Iraqi people in a path away from violence. Because the Europeans know how to deal with terrorism, they've had terrorism for 50 years and it hasn't gone away yet. They know how to listen, and put lives first, like the lives of hostages. They don't put the 'potential' lives of people that <em>might</em> be kidnapped first, like our Jew controlled FBI does."<br /><br />Introspection Now!, a group of musicians organized by Green Day, is heading to Iraq to teach the people there that violence is not the answer. "If I could teach them only one thing," said Billie Joe Armstrong, "it will be that it takes two to make an argument. If I have a problem with you, then in reality, I have a problem with myself. <em>I am the problem</em>. What is the problem in Iraq? No one is listening to the people that care the most about the Iraqi people - Al Zarqawi. He and other insurgents like him are the only ones standing up to the American Imperialist oil machine. The Iraqi people are ignoring him out of their own ignorance and prejudice against Muslims. So you see? <em>They</em> are the problem. If I can teach that if you are going to blame someone, blame yourself first, then I have done my duty."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111159214459767272005-03-18T09:17:00.000-06:002005-03-18T09:27:44.453-06:00The Darkies Are Better Off Without Freedom<h4>with thanks to Robert Fisk for helping with this article</h4><br />Georgia and all the other former Communist states <a href="http://mggpillai.com/sections.php3?op=viewarticle&artid=9794">confront a nightmare today</a>. Communism collapsed over 10 years ago, Russia is slowly pulling out it's military forces. To the outside world, this may seem a victory devoutly to be wished. But they are wrong.<br /><br />Ever since the collapse of Communism one thing has clearly happened: rampant ethnic hatred had been allowed to flare up. There have been arguments, fighting, and even deaths, as people take out their righteous anger against the Jews, or not so righteous anger against other ethnic groups.<br /><br />Why is this happening? It is simple, without the iron hand of Communism to control them, the people simply cannot handle their freedom. It is not just in Georgia, but in the former Yugoslavia, Checnya, and others. There are no strong stable governments to keep the people in check in this former dark corner of the Soviet Empire. Natural ethnic divisions were ignored and lines were drawn haphazardly on maps without any thought to why one group voraciously hates another living next door.<br /><br />Forget Lebanon, they are screwed, we can't help them. Syria has left them to fend for themselves, to be free to no only love to but hate each other; and maybe even fight in such wonderful tourist attractions as Beirut. But the Eastern Europeans - they still have a chance.<br /><br />Now we must ask ourselves, are the People of Eastern Europe really better off? How swiftly a Eastern European country which had become a bedrock of financial stability and security can fall into the abyss. People are no longer guaranteed food or jobs. Anger, hopelessness, and violence may lurk around the next corner. Is that what we want? Is that what we've waged the Cold War for? So that criminals can do bad things in Eastern Europe? Or so that neighbors may get in fights or even kill each other?<br /><br />Sure they have a free press now. But some are using their freedom to remember old hatreds, and inflame the populace. Is that better? Is that what freedom is for, to speak <em>whatever</em> is on your mind?<br /><br />Bring back the Communists, let them take control, to give order and peace to people again. For peace is all anyone really wants. What good is freedom or democracy if you don't have peace? Obviously that is more important.<br /><br />Democracy Indeed.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1111152666343543932005-03-18T07:17:00.000-06:002005-05-05T11:14:03.766-05:00The Week In Pictures 10<center><em><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/mr_heat_mieser_lafleur_communications.jpg" /><br />Mr. Heat Miser has branched out into French telecommunications.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/female_cop_team.jpg" /><br />The new show Fox Force Six has problems besides the name.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/guy_in_back.jpg" /><br />As part of escape and evasion training, foreign police about to go to Iraq practice being sexually assaulted.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/gas.jpg" /><br />"Oooh.. next time I meet Fox gotta lay off the beans and rice."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/no_cokes.jpg" /><br />After shilling for Democrats to try to block drilling in Alaska, polar bears sulk when they don't get the Coke they were promised.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/silkwoods_dog.jpg" /><br />Dog remakes of popular movies have become popular among children. Seen here is Fluffy starring in Silkwood - K9 Power.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/the_new_homeless.jpg" /><br />Models being thrown out on the street is becoming an increasing problem. But to have people gawk at you as you leave is just humiliating.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/toothpick.jpg" /><br />"I hate it when I get squirrels caught in there!"<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/high_noon.jpg" /><br />Bat Masterson's great granddaughter is the fastest gun in New York City.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/do_i_even_have_To_say_it.jpg" /><br />Other golfers feel the pain of the loser in No Holds Barred Ultimate Golf.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week10/sixth_pillar_of_islam.jpg" /><br />This Mid-East scholar has found the elusive Sixth Pillar of Islam.<br /></em></center>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110990136656079542005-03-16T10:14:00.000-06:002005-03-16T10:40:03.730-06:00Men's Groups Angry With IKEAIKEA has been in trouble in the news lately for <a href="http://money.cnn.com/2005/03/10/news/international/ikea.reut/index.htm?section=cnn_topstories">sex discrimination</a>. It seems someone noticed that all of their instruction sheets only show pictures of men building their furniture. No women are shown participating except by holding pre-fab pieces for the men. This has <a href="http://www.captainsquartersblog.com/mt/archives/004034.php">caused outrage</a> among many groups.<br /><br />"We have spent a long time convincing our wives we're no good around the house," said Bob Farley, of Take Back Our Families, "Whenever our wives ask us to work on something, we either have swearing fits, or we break it, or pretend we can't figure out the instructions. Eventually, our wives have our children do it for us, or else <a href="http://michellemalkin.com/archives/001738.htm">they do it</a>. My wife has not asked me to help around the house in nine years. We have spent a long time cultivating this stereotype that we are helpless around the house, and now IKEA is ruining it for us. <br /><br />"If our wives find out we are actually capable of building IKEA furniture, and have been lying to them all this time, not only will we have to start doing chores on Sundays instead of watching football, but we will be in trouble. They will put us in the doghouse ...<br /><br />"But first they'll make us build it."<br /><br />IKEA has indicated it only shows men because it fears backlash by Muslim men who may be offended by stick drawings of women building furniture. Some Muslim groups are angry at the stereotype of Muslim men, and say they are not all misogynists.<br /><br />Others, such as Saleem AbdAllah from <a href="http://www.jihadwatch.org/dhimmiwatch/archives/2004/09/003131print.html">Malmø</a>, <a href="http://www.kwahk.org/index.asp?id=63">Sweden</a>, say "I always make my wife build furniture, or work on the car. Do you think I would do that myself? I don't see what the big deal is."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110981764617158542005-03-16T08:05:00.000-06:002005-03-16T09:07:43.626-06:00Those Who Like Sausage ...Open: Back of butcher shop. Tony grinding up a person, Vinny behind him.<br /><br />Vinny: Tony, you stupid patzi. I can't believe you whacked a made guy!<br /><br />Tony: It wasn't my fault, Vinny! I said I was sorry<br /><br />Bell rings<br /><br />Vinny: Who is dat? Tony, did you not lock the front door like I asked yous to?<br /><br />Tony: I thought you were gonna do it.<br /><br />Vinny: Tony, you stupid screwup. Hold on while I take care of the customer.<br /><br />Goes to front. Grinder gets louder, stuck on bones, etc. making Vinny nervous.<br /><br />Vinny: Hey, the butcher, he's gone. We're closed.<br /><br />Customer #1: Can I just have some pastrami? It's right there.<br /><br />Vinny: Fine. <br /><br />Vinny slices weighs and packages pastrami and gives it to customer while they continue talking.<br /><br />Customer #1: (looking at bin in back of counter) Wow, that's a lot of sausage.<br /><br />Vinny: Yeah, uh ... a special customer called, he uh ... he really likes sausage. Know what I'm saying? He's German, yeah. Now get outta here.<br /><br />Customer #1: What do I owe you?<br /><br />Vinny: It's free, now scram!<br /><br />Customer #1: Thanks. (to self) he doesn't have to be so rude.<br /><br />exit customer. Vinny goes to back room<br /><br />Vinny: How's it comin<br /><br />Bell rings<br /><br />Vinny: Hold on I gotta take care of dis customer<br /><br />goes to front, british guy there<br /><br />Customer #2: Where have you been, my good man? I've been waiting for yonks. I'll take some of those wee sausages. Your sausages are really the dog's bollocks, did you know. What a minute - what is that?<br /><br />Vinny: What is what?<br /><br />Customer #2 walks around to back of counter to look in back room, while Vinny first tries to block him, then gives up and positions himself behind customer.<br /><br />Customer #2: I think I see a person back there. Yes, yes he's grinding up a person! Quickly! Call the bobbies!<br /><br />Vinny takes sap out of back pocket and whacks customer on head. customer falls. Vinny drags customer to back room.<br /><br />Vinny: I gotta another one ta get rid of for ya.<br /><br />Tony: Aw Vinny, come on!<br /><br />Vinny give him the look of death<br /><br />Tony: ok<br /><br />Bell rings<br /><br />Vinny: What the hell? Hold on.<br /><br />Walks to front<br /><br />Vinny: Can I help yous?<br /><br />Customer #3: Yes, I was eating breakfast and found this belt buckle in my sausage, see?<br /><br />Vinny walks around to front of counter<br /><br />Vinny: Let me see that... oh crap, we mixed up the sausages!<br /><br />Customer #3: wha?-<br /><br />Vinny whacks him over back of head, drags him to back room<br /><br />Vinny: Tony, you idiot, you're not taking the clothes off first<br /><br />Tony: So what?<br /><br />Vinny: So what? So you're dulling the blades, that's so what! Now take off their clothes!<br /><br />Tony: Hey, you can't boss me. I'm smart! I can do things I -<br /><br />Vinny give him the look of death<br /><br />Tony: ok<br /><br />Tony starts taking off clothes of dead bodies. Bell rings. Vinny goes to front. There are 3 people, and more piling in.<br /><br />Customer #4: I heard you're giving away free meat today?<br /><br />People in crowd yell various things , like:<br />Crowd: Yeah! <br /><br />Crowd: Free sausage! <br /><br />Vinny: Hold on, there's no free meat. That was for dat one customer only. Now get the hells outta here.<br /><br />Crowd: You can't do that!<br /><br />Someone in crowd: Look behind the counter! There's a whole tub of sausage! <br /><br />Crowd: Let's take it! <br /><br />Crowd: Yeah!<br /><br />crowd overwhelms vinny, takes sausage out, runs out of shop, yelling "Free sausage for everyone!" etc<br /><br />Vinny goes to back room<br /><br />Vinny: Um, I tink we should go now.<br /><br />Tony: But I'm not done<br /><br />Vinny: No, now would be a good time. <br /><br />exit allPluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110919251466372102005-03-15T16:33:00.000-06:002005-03-16T08:36:15.956-06:00More About Us<h4>The attack of the flying Book Memes</h4><br />We were passed <a href="http://phinsup.blogspot.com/2005/03/attack-of-flying-book-memes.html">this survey</a> by Phin of <a href="http://phinsup.blogspot.com/">Phin's Blog</a>.<br /><br />We here at Eyes On The Ball do not like to post about who we really may be, since there are crazy wackos out there, like Risa Brye (not her real name), the girl <a href="http://eyesontheball.blogspot.com/2004/11/local-girl-refuses-to-pay-debt.html">this post</a> and <a href="http://eyesontheball.blogspot.com/2004/12/skinny-people-ruining-society.html">this post</a> were both based on, who we are physically afraid of and we might need a restraining order against. Think Mara from the Shield (but with x3 weight, x10 sense of entitlement, x100 insanity), and is part of the Chicago improv community.<br /><br />However, we will take a chance on you, our gentle readers.<br /><br /><strong>You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?</strong><br />The Book Of Flame Retardant Samples.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?</strong><br />Minmae from Robotech, and Princess from Battle of the Planets. Not books I know but I don't have an active enough imagination. I can barely stand fiction, I prefer non-fiction and get my fiction fix from faster media.<br /><br /><br /><strong>The last book you bought is?</strong><br />I bought a bunch from Amazon at once, they are:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0192860925/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">The Selfish Gene</a> by Richard Dawkins. I read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345384725/qid=1110920332/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-7100282-4651034">Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors</a> which turned me on to this book. Pretty amazing how closely much animal behavior parallels humans, like xenophobia and even homophobia!<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553263900/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">When I say No, I feel guilty</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0028644638/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">The Complete Idiot's Guide to Positive Dog Training</a> I read this stuff but I still let Pluto stay in charge.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1594030618/qid=1110919621/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/103-7100282-4651034?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">Stealing Elections</a> by John Fund. Details the election fraud we have caught so far, such as recently in Milwaukee and Seattle. Surprise, most outright fraud is committed by Democrats.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1893554856/qid=1110919659/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-7100282-4651034">Anti-Americanism</a> by John Francois Revell. He has many examples of how the French press and government (as well as most of western europe) has hated America for 50 years, and it has nothing to do with any particular administration.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553380168/qid=1110919728/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-7100282-4651034">A Brief History of Time: the updated 10th anniversary edition</a> I am into cosmology and astronomy.<br /><br /><br /><strong>The last book you read?</strong><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671795937/qid=1110918574/sr=2-3/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_3/103-7100282-4651034">Rogue Warrior</a> By Richard Marcinko. It is amazing how many stupid people put fears of negative press ahead of the lives of US men in uniform.<br /><br /><br /><strong>What are you currently reading?</strong><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812541626/qid=1110918623/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/103-7100282-4651034">Runelords book one</a> by David Farland. Not the greatest fantasy, but it is pretty interesting. Your "magic power" is donated to you by vassals, for instance, people donate their strength, eyesight, voice, etc. They lose it and you gain it. You then have to protect these people because if they die you lose your power. Good people will take less enhancements since it's bad for the giver. Bad guys take more and extort them from people. What's even better? There's only three books, not 19. <br /><br />Next book is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312869290/qid%3D1110983724/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/103-7100282-4651034">The Lance Thrower</a>, book eight of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812551389/qid=1110983637/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/103-7100282-4651034">The Camulod Chronicles</a> which is an awesome series on King Arthur as a real person, plus loads of history on the fall of the Roman Empire.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Five books I would take to a deserted island.</strong><br />These are pretty self explanatory, I am totally serious. Screw that enlightenment crap, I want to live and get off the damn island.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0002171856/ref=cm_bg_d_19/103-7100282-4651034?v=glance">The SAS Survival Handbook</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1585744425/ref=pd_sim_b_3/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">The SAS Mental Endurance Handbook</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0425100634/ref=pd_sim_b_4/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">Tom Brown's Guide to Wild Edible and Medicinal Plants</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0425157725/ref=pd_sim_b_2/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">The Science And Art of Tracking</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/019528478X/qid=1110920707/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-7100282-4651034">The Bible</a> with both Protestant and Catholic books plus annotations, just to cover my butt.<br /><br /><strong>Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?</strong><br /><a href="http://planetfour.blogspot.com">Mars</a> because I know him in real life and it would be interesting to get perspective on something from someone who is not a conservative-home-protection-device-lover, and figured well I don't know I would bug him.<br /><br />I'll think of someone else soon I gotta get some work done around here!<br /><br /><br /><h4>update</h4><br /><table><tr><td><img src="http://www.geocities.com/chrisb76/plutocloseup_200.jpg"></td><br /><td>Rello, Pluto here. I ram roing roo answer rese restions too!</td></tr></table><br /><strong>You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?</strong><br />Ra book of retting ra hell rout of rere!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?</strong><br />Rope.<br /><br /><br /><strong>The last book you bought is?</strong><br />Roggies ron't ruse money.<br /><br /><br /><strong>The last book you read?</strong><br />I rannot read rooks, silly! But I rike eating rem. Ra rast rook I rate ras <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1595230009/qid=1110922303/sr=1-12/ref=sr_1_12/103-7100282-4651034?v=glance&s=books">A Matter of Character: Inside the White House of George W. Bush</a>. I riv it four srars, rit ras rummy.<br /><br /><br /><strong>What are you currently reading?</strong><br />Shhh.. don't tell my raddy, rut I round out I could reat a riddle rit of each rook at a rime and he ron't notice.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Five books I would take to a deserted island.</strong><br />I rould rake the rollowing, rut I need my raddy to raminate rem first:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0498011933/qid=1110922515/sr=1-8/ref=sr_1_8/103-7100282-4651034?v=glance&s=books">Cook the wild bird: An erudite treatise on the joy of hunting, cooking, and eating game birds</a>. I rould skip the cooking part. Ry ruin a bird by rooking it?<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1585745669/ref=pd_sim_b_3/103-7100282-4651034?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance">The Ultimate Guide to Small Game and Varmint Hunting: How to Hunt Squirrels, Rabbits, Hares, Woodchucks, Coyotes, Foxes and More</a> ra rorld is full rov many rummy ranimals!<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0967170001/qid=1110926702/sr=2-7/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_7/103-7100282-4651034">Squirrel Dog Basics: A Guide to Hunting Squirrels With Dogs</a> I racktice revery day in ra park ren I go for ralks rit my raddy.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1885106041/qid=1110926919/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/103-7100282-4651034?v=glance&s=books">Field Guide: Dog First Aid Emergency Care for the Hunting, Working, and Outdoor Dog (Field Guide)</a> Ris one's for my raddy.<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0873493613/qid=1110926964/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-7100282-4651034">Hunting Dogs: A Photographic Tribute<br /></a> For ra rarticles! Rey! Are roo raking run of me? Grrrrr!<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?</strong><br /><a href="http://www.conservativecat.com/">Ferdinand</a> recause my raddy met Rerdirand's pet Ruce rover ra reekend ror rinks rit <a href="http://iowahawk.typepad.com">Riowarawk</a>.<br /><br />Reau if you rask me, cats rar for eating, not ralking roo. Ret in my relly! Grrrrr!Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110897069351212092005-03-15T08:26:00.000-06:002005-03-15T09:07:36.113-06:00The Importance of Diversity<h4>And Not Forcing Freedom And Democracy On Others</h4><p class="StageDirections">We now bring you to this speech in progress</p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">Hence, I assert, that diversity is the principle that underlies good systems of government. Uniformity, one man's assertion that all the world must have the same system of "democratic" government, would destroy personal liberty and personal freedom. Diversity is the greatest safeguard to securing rights for all.</p><p class="StageDirections">(enter aide)</p><p class="Name">AIDE</p><p class="Speech">Senator Douglas!</p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">We cannot force freedom on people, as though we know what's best for them -</p><p class="Name">AIDE</p><p class="Speech">Senator Douglas!<p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">Wha-? What is it? Why are you interrupting my speech?</p><p class="Name">AIDE</p><p class="Speech">Your debate with <a href="http://powerlineblog.com/archives/009540.php">Abraham Lincoln</a> is not until tomorrow</p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">What's the date?</p><p class="Name">AIDE</p><p class="Speech"><a href="http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=156">July 8, 1868</a></p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">Oh ... That would explain why he is not here... </p><p class="Name">AIDE</p><p class="Speech">Do you want to grab some beers?-</p><p class="Name">SENATOR</p><p class="Speech">Yes!</p><p class="StageDirections">exeunt<br>(blackout)</p>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110642648054308772005-03-14T00:43:00.000-06:002005-03-14T15:01:22.066-06:00Democracy Now! Changes Name To Democracy Later!In a stunning move, Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman announced that the revered media organization featured on NPR will be changing its name to better reflect its values.<br /><br />"We realized that Democracy right now is unrealistic," she told us in an interview, "Change is a long drawn out process that can't be forced. Societies must change gradually, even if that means people now live under despotism, their great grandchildren will thank us for not trying to make their leaders change faster.<br /><br />"Now that America is running around the world killing people, it will take even longer.<br /><br />"But what do we expect? America's own roots are in violence. Can you believe, they had this thing they call the Revolutionary War. This small cabal of Jews started killing Englishmen for no reason. They said it was because they wanted 'democracy.' How can you start a democracy amid violence? That is no way to make change. England already had a Parliament and had a representative government, so what was the big deal? Some people in the Colonies, called the Tories, did not even want freedom from England. Yet they were ignored. You can't force democracy on people, but they did. And look at the horror the US has visited on the world since.<br /><br />"In other cases, like Germany, the US had an occupying army forcing them to be democratic as like a little copy of the US. There were German insurgents, <a href="http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1281629/posts">the Werewolves</a>, who fought against the US occupation for German freedom, just like in Iraq. They killed thousands of US Servicemen, and even more German collaborators. The Germans did not want us there, yet we stayed. And look at the consequences of US policy in Germany. Are they really better off? Yet again, using force to make democratic change resulted in things getting worse, not better.<br /><br />"The same goes for Japan, for South Korea, etc. Look at them now and tell me how to justify our interference in those countries?<br /><br />"We are pro-Democracy. We just do not believe democracy can be spread by force. Tyrants and Dictators <em>will</em> give up their power to the people if you only are patient and ask them nicely enough times. To say that more people were already dying under Saddam than died in the unjust war is like saying the ends justifies the means. <em>Sure</em> people were dying in Iraq already, but that doesn't mean they wanted to be free.<br /><br />"Most of the world is full of darkies who have never had freedom and don't understand it. They don't even want to be free, so who are we to force it on them? As the great John Douglas once said, <a href="http://powerlineblog.com/archives/009540.php">diversity</a> is the basis of enlightened society. That is why France was on the verge of sending troops to help the South in the US Civil War before it ended. Because diversity demanded that their way of life not be judged. And liberty demanded that people in the South should be able to do what they want.<br /><br />"Sure, not liberty for the blacks, but the slaves were not begging for freedom, not begging to be thrown into the sink or swim piranha tank of capitalism. They were taken care of by their masters. Look at race relations in America since we forced freedom on the black people. Are they better off? Surely we should have waited and let them have freedom only when the slaves actually asked for it.<br /><br />"Someday the whole world will be democratic and free. But not until we stop trying to 'save' people. Not until we stop fighting evil and try to understand it and make it feel better. Because it takes two to have an argument. If we stopped arguing, evil will get bored and leave."Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110651783535682402005-03-12T12:40:00.000-06:002005-03-12T13:02:50.093-06:00Finding Pluto: Tough Task? I Rink Rot!<table><tr><td><img src="http://www.geocities.com/chrisb76/plutocloseup_200.jpg"></td><td><br />According to space scientists, <a href="http://www.space.com/spacewatch/050311_pluto_guide.html">Finding Pluto: Tough Task</a>, it is hard ro find me.<br><br />Rell, RI am right rhere!</td></tr></table><br /><br />Rey say: "Pluto is currently located at a distance of roughly 2.87 billion miles from both the Earth" Rah the rell rar roo talking rabout? I riv in Chicago.<br /><br />"We are actually quite fortunate to be living around the time when Pluto is near the perihelion point in its orbit." I don't rav rany crue rhat that means.<br /><br />"Pluto is being observed by growing numbers of nonprofessional astronomers as well." Rell I ram good rooking. Maybe instead of robserving rey should grive me treats!<br /><br />"This is very nearly as bright as Pluto ever gets" Rey! My raddy says I ram a smart dog! Grrrrrr!<br /><br />"Those who have access to at least an eight-inch or (preferably) larger telescope..." Rey! I don't sring rat ray! Ra humping ris purely for dominance! Go read a brook ron dog behavrior, drummies. <br /><br />"Other’s have proposed that Pluto should not be considered a planet, but rather as the 'King of the Kuiper Belt Objects.'" I ram a roggy. Ro Kay? RI don't know rabout ranets, but I rike the ridea rov being called King. I ram already king of ra manor. Daddy rinks he ris, but we know better, right?<br /><br />"What really makes Pluto most renegade is its eccentric.." Rokay, I ram reccentric. Rand I do rike to tear rup my daddy's furniture. Brut I don't rink rat means roo can call me ra "renegrade". I ram a good doggy! My daddy rays ro!<br /><br />"after visiting this 'neither fish nor fowl' planet" Rhat? I rike both of rose! I especially rike squirrels ran rats. Rey is rummy! If roo rant to give me rish or roul, go ahead, I rill reat rem. Don't rissen to rose dummy srientists.<br /><br />Rell, for being so smart, rose srientists sure ris dumb. Getting to know doggies ris not rocket rience. Rust ask me!Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110385780830192452005-03-11T11:19:00.000-06:002005-03-12T08:34:36.863-06:00Sgrena Spits On Quattrocchi's GraveFabrizio Quattrocchi, Italian baker and security guard who was kidnapped by Islamic terrorists and died telling his captors <a href="http://justoneminute.typepad.com/footnotes/2004/10/ill_show_you_ho.html">what they could do with themselves</a>, is spinning in his grave. We talked to him through a medium, Ms. Cleo, about Giuliana Sgrena's statement. We played him a tape of some of her statements. Immediately the room started shaking and lights went out.<br /><br />"I didn't want to live if the ransom meant others would die," he told us, "what makes her special? You did not see me begging for my life.<br /><br />"She acted stupidly, got caught, and others had to suffer to rescue her. That Sgrena bitch got at least <a href="http://www.zachtei.nl/2005/03/08/000670.html">one Italian killed</a>, and soon others will die as well due to bombs purchased with the ransom money.<br /><br />"But her jumping up and down on my grave and spitting on it? She didn't have to do that. And the orgies at the cemetary? That went a little far. I'm pretty peeved about that."<br /><br />When we asked Sgrena about this, she said "My release, and the paying of the ransom money, <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7089948/">has been a happy ending</a>. Sure, that $8 million EU Italy paid will go towards buying weapons and bombs and killing many other civilians, but hey, I'm alive, and the US can't stand that. See, the US <a href="http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050307/2005-03-07T141605Z_01_L07565721_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-IRAQ-ITALY-SHOOTING-DC.html">does not care about human life</a>.<br /><br />"Oh that old fascist Quattrocchi is a moron. This is what i think of him." We then watched her dig him up; then her and her friends from Il-Manifesto <a href="http://gopandthecity.blogspot.com/2005/03/giuliana-sgrena-photoshop-contest.html">took pictures</a> while posing with the body.Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8824170.post-1110552119640978922005-03-11T08:39:00.000-06:002005-05-05T11:13:39.346-05:00The Week In Pictures 9<center><em><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/pro_syrian_interference.jpg"><br />Some anti-American protestors in Lebanon. Other signs read "YES for the Syrian Inteference"<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/harvard_anti_free_speech_protestors.jpg"><br />Fresh from protesting professor Ward Churchill's right to say it's ok to kill Jews, protestors arrive at Harvard to demand the resignation of Simmons for saying there may be differences between the sexes.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/bon_jovi.jpg"><br />Bush's latest karaoke song: "Woah oh, living on a prayer. <strong>Take my hand</strong>, and we'll make it I swear..."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/anti_jet_vanalism.jpg"><br />Anti-Jet vandalism is on the rise.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/dean_evangelical.jpg"><br />"And I say-uh, we must protect-uh, the social security-uh! Can I get an Amen!?"<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/the_empire.jpg"><br />Toyota unveils robots at the World Expot '05 in Nagoya. Saying "This new army of the toyota empire - whoops wrong speech."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/fives_of_thousands.jpg"><br />Lebanese pro-Syrian protestors can be seen wearing t-shirts saying "I showed up at the rally, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, plus my children returned to me unharmed from Hizbollah."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/I_got_it_right_here.jpg"><br />Bush to Italy: "I got your ransom payment right here!"<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/low_fences_vienna_schoenbrunn_zoo_bear_olinka.jpg"><br />After Olinka scared several tourists, officials at the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna consider that having higher fences around the large predators just might be a good idea.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.eyesontheballnews.com/imageseyes/week9/pakistani_hazing.jpg"><br />Parents' groups say hazing in Pakistan has really gotten out of control.<br /></em></center>Pluto's Dadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07926584303367265875noreply@blogger.com