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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius

Karl Rove is perhaps the most powerful man in America. We have uncovered many of his conspiracies. And what we found out, is that most of his fiendishly clever conspiracies are not powergrabbing for conservatives, but rather disinformation planted in liberal newspapers and media in order to embarrass them. The following are his main conpsiracies, copy and spread them around as soon as you see them, we have no idea how long this website will stay up:

  1. He forged the CBS Memogate documents, even deviously using Army acronyms instead of Air Force ones to implicate Burkett, so that Democrats look crazy and desperate. (duh like you didn't know this one)
  2. He is even the one spreading rumors that he is behind Memogate, which most Republicans think is a preposterous conspiracy theory, making Democrats look crazy and desperate. The devious fiend!
  3. Was the one who stole the Green Day master that disappeared, to make way for the new album "American Idiot", entirely written by Rove. Yet again - to make Democrats look like childish hatemongers and fruitcakes.
  4. Cuts out all the negative articles from the newspapers before Bush reads them, so Bush thinks his policies are actually working.
  5. They are actually all Rove's policies. He has hypnotic tapes he plays via headphones he secretly places over Bush's ears every night which tell him what to do the next day.
  6. Planted Gannon/Guckert, a gigalo, in the white house press corp, only to later expose him by leaking his identity to liberal journalists, so that Democrats look like hypocrites "outing" Guckert.
  7. Iraq? Hell, that country doesn't even exist! It's just a soundstage.
  8. Caused the 3 Mile Island incident, scaring people away from nuclear power so they will depend on oil. Oil: the currency of the Republicans. (He also wanted to hasten global warming, see conspiracy #10 below).
  9. Area 51? It's where he was created in a gene experiment combining Hitler (who was captured and did not actually commit suicide) with Machiavelli (they had to go back in time to get him, using Karl Rove's time machine, also stored at Area 51).
  10. Is buying up all land 50 miles inland from the coasts, so when global warming raises the sea level, he will own all the prime beachfront real estate. (Why else did you think he wants people to use fossil fuels instead of nuclear energy?)
  11. Three people you have never seen with Rove in the same place at the same time: Osama Bin Laden, Oliver Stone, Michael Moore. Think about it.
  12. Wrote the J-Lo and Marc Anthony duet, just because he enjoys torturing people.

Update 1: Some readers have asked us if Rove also put the Ram in the Ramalamadingdong, and if he wrote the book of love. Obviously he did neither, since those are positive, and Rove, like a vampire of goodness, sucks the goodness and light out of everything he touches.

Update 2: Some people have written us pointing out it would be impossible to use a time machine created by Rove to go back in time to kidnap Machiavelli to use his genes to create Rove, since Rove would not have been around yet to create the time machine. Hmph. Obviously these people don't understand temporal physics.