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Saturday, January 29, 2005

New Test Confirms Ted Kennedy Is Douchebag

[9:50 CDT updated with interview with Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research - ed]

Leading medical researchers have been performing tests on Senator Ted Kennedy the past month and have reached the startling conclusion: Ted Kennedy is a douchebag.

"We were really amazed by this discovery," said Dr. Said Sambir, Kennedy's personal physician. "I had always assumed he was a human being. I mean, sure he drove drunk and killed women, but hey humans make mistakes. But the past few years I started having doubts as to his humanity. And now we finally have proof.

"Blood tests have come back, he really is a douchebag."

Dr. Sambir was referring to a new blood test that determines whether people are douchebags or not. The test was developed by Dr. Venkatesh Tamil, a leading douchebag researcher. "Every time a new country has elections, we hear the same thing. The elections won't work, you can't spread democracy by force, the insurgents are too strong, etc. etc. They said it about Germany after WWII when partisans there threatened to kill anyone that voted, they said it about South Korea, and Cambodia, and Venezuela, blah, blah blah. But people keep repeating this same old story as if it's new. And every time they have been proved wrong.

"Then I realized, maybe these pessimists that don't seem to believe in democracy are actually not human beings. After all, they seem to have no empathy for others struggling for their freedom. That's when it hit me, they must be douchebags. So after several years of work, I finally developed my douchebag test.

"I felt it was so important, that I did not patent the test, but am helping other doctors around the world begin testing journalists and politicians immediately."

"Some features of the douchebag," said Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research, "are a waxy-plastic complexion, though this is usually covered up with makeup so they can pass themselves off as human. These disguises are especially easy for those douchebags that are actors. Other features are a penchant for self-contradiction, lying, and lying to themselves most of all.

"Douchebags are also widely known for being filled with piss and vinegar. They are extremely angry and would probably benefit - not from anger management, though that would help - but from reading history, which might expose their ideas for not jiving with history. For instance, democracy has almost always been spread by force, since tyrants don't give up power willingly. Or the fact that 'fascists,' which is the favorite name calling word that douchebags use, were socialists, i.e. left-wing, not right-wing. Ironically douchebags make up 98% of the Socialist Party of America.

"Currently we are estimating that as much as 33% of the US population may be douchebags. The number is highest among pessimists and what we call 'scorched-earth activists.' These people, whether activists, politicians, or regular Americans, are people who would rather see everyone suffer than let their 'enemy' be right. Of course they deny this, but another feature of the douchebag in an inability for introspection.

"Our political researchers have also found that in many countries it is a requirement to be a douchebag before being posted to the UN. In some countries like France, douchebags make up 83% of the population."

Dr. Sambir elaborated further, "When Ted Kennedy said the US had lost the war and should admit their mistakes and leave immediately, and said this only two days before the Iraqi election, that was when I knew for sure he was a douchebag. At that point I didn't even need the test.

"Why would Kennedy make such statements that will be used by the insurgents just before the election? Doesn't he realize this gives the terrorists credibility and will embolden them and help them? Oh sure, people say words are not important, that he and the media can report only the bad things without having an effect on Iraq. That is a funny thing for a politician to say - that words have no effect. I have seen complaining and pessimism destroy project teams, they can easily undermine morale and confidence.

"I don't understand how senators who belong to a party called 'Democrat' would be against democracy just because it's a Republican president implementing it. Oh yes, they say they are not against democracy, but then why do they want to leave Iraq in the hands of Zarqawi, who said democracy is evil? Besides, who cares if they disagree with the reasons the US entered the war. They are there now, should the US not do the right thing?

"They all came out with statements saying Saddam must be toppled when Clinton was president. What made them all change their minds? Are we to believe Saddam was so good he influenced them to think more kindly of him?

"No, I think it's more likely they are douchebags. And now I have the test to prove it."