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Articles for this week's Archive

This Week In Pictures 4
Republicans Ask For Another Chance
Biden's Wife Tortures Iranians
Rather Defends Hostage Story
Swift Boat Vet Conspiracy Finally Proven
Top Ten Things We're Sorry For
Whites Underwhelmingly Respond to Iraqi Election

Friday, February 04, 2005


Eason Jordan explaining perceived liberal bias in the media: Regarding our seemingly anti-US Military coverage of the war, when I said we were deliberately targeting the US Military for negative stories, I did not mean it the way you think I meant "targeting", I just meant we are mistaking them for terrorists and imperial shock troops.

This Week In Pictures 4

In an increasing effort to use UAVs to spare human lives, this JSOC unmanned soldier/suicide bomber malfunctioned and was captured by Al Qaeda forces. The Pentagon blames budget cuts made during the Clinton administration forcing them to use generic batteries. In an effort to raise ransom money demanded by the terrorists, Martika's "Toy Soldier" benefit concert will be held at the Gurnee Mills mall in Illinois.

This Iraqi woman was crying after having freedom and democracy forced upon her, even though every liberal in America knows liberty and democracy are not "right," and everyone knows freedom is a cultural phenomenon that only white people value.

Apple's new Macs For Homeless program was launched this week.

Confused Iraqis defeat the Japanese embassy in Baghdad. Pictured here is the lesser known first, smaller flag

Upset at the success of the Iraqi elections, Ted Kennedy falls off the wagon on I-95

Spaniards protest the Iraqi election, saying "you can't have elections while there is violence. Our democracy started that way, but that was just a fluke. Besides, the darkies don't want freedom in Iraq anymore than they wanted freedom in the USA in the 1860s."

Bill Moyers and others fled when Bush approached with the antichrist child, seen here with the mark of the beast plainly visible, whom he will use to conquer the world beginning with a "showdown" at Megiddo

Another feature of the antichrist celebration will be the barbecue. At left is Kristina Kiik, the virgin who will be sacrificed to Satan to ensure victory for the US military

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton about to kiss Rep. Joseph Crowley, turned on by his crushing grip, which she says is much more manly than Bill's "limp fish" grip

Sen. Nancy Pelosi testifies at a trial on the horrors of botched plastic surgery

A young boy learns to learn to press the "cookie button" at Al-Zarqawi's Center for Disabled Children. Afterwards he will be allowed to play with "clay" at the market

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Republicans Ask For Another Chance

Across the country conservatives can be found crying, in therapy, and suffering from general disillusionment.

"We thought we were going to reach across the divide in this country," said Barbara Helcott, local housewife, "and work together to make this a better country. But then they say this."

Mrs. Helcott was speaking about a recent speech made by Sen. Howard Dean, who may be the next DNC chairman, in which he said "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

Dean's statement has caused trauma in Capitol Hill. The halls are ghostly and empty, yet one can hear senators and representatives softly weeping from behind closed doors. A therapy group has started meeting in the basement of the Capitol, where republicans can meet and share their feelings.

"I can't believe I was happy for the Iraqi people," said Sen. John McCain, "Dean taught me that democracy and liberty does not work in most of the world, and we should not think democracy is any better than anything else. At first I was thankful to him for showing me this. But now after he said this? What am I to think? I am so hurt. [sniff]

"All I wanted was to work with the Democrats. I am 'the Maverick', for chrissakes! Why does he hate me? Have I gained too much weight? I know I gained a lot since I was a POW in Vietnam. I can lose it again Dean! I can go to GITMO, and they can torture me by playing good cop bad cop, and giving me my special diet of ethnic southwest food, and letting me go to church every week. That will make me lose weight. Please Dean, just give me another chance!"

"I thought we were the ones causing the divide," said Sen. Tom DeLay, "I wanted to lower taxes to create jobs and increase tax revenue, just like JFK did. Dean told me how that is not a 'feel good' solution and therefore must be evil and serves only the rich. What we need to do is raise taxes, and take away people's jobs so we can then help them. After all, a person should not have to work a McJob or WalJob, which are both demeaning.

"I was just starting to believe him, but then he said he hates me. How could he betray me like this? [sniff] All I wanted to do was work with him to make our country just like Canada with it's 13% unemployment and shrinking quality of health care. Why is he so mean? Is it my Texas accent? Did I not go to the right schools?"

"I don't understand, hic" said Joshua Hartnell, local carpenter, "six years ago the Democrats said Social Security would go bankrupt and we needed hic to fix it. Now they say it won't. And they say I'm not smart enough to hic use the special Thrift savings plan that they have as federal employees. hic. Why're they calling me stupid? What did I ever do to Dean to make him hate me? I feel so betrayed hic ... excuse the hiccups I just started drinking again."

"At first I was angry at the Democrat protesters at the Inaugural Address," said Dr. Condoleeza Rice, "calling me Aunt Jemima and the 'N' word and telling me how good I was at obeying my 'massah.' But it was Dean who showed me it was my fault they said those things, because I am not as compassionate and peace loving as they are. But now Dean's latest words are so hurtful. I am a hawk just like Madeleine Albright, whose father was my professor. Dean is a dove. There is no reason hawks and doves can't get along. I can learn to be a vegetarian hawk. Maybe I should get Botox like Pelosi? Dean, just tell me what you want!"

Rumors were spreading that outside Dean's office, republican lawmakers were seen holding hands singing "all we are saying, is give us a chance." But these rumors could not be substantiated.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Biden's Wife Tortures Iranians

Last week an economic summit was held between American and Iranian diplomats, and several high-level Iranian diplomats. This meeting almost ended in open war between Iran and the US.

After a few hours of negotiation, not much progress had been made. That was when Sen. Joe Biden entered with his wife. In a brazen show of disrespect for the law that only an American can perform, Biden's wife, right there for all to see, tortured the Iranian diplomats by wearing tight leather pants and a revealing blouse.

To top it off, after Jill Biden entered, congressional aides opened the windows to let sub-zero air in, which only heighted the effect of her form fitting clothing.

"Aaiiieeeee! My eyes!" said one diplomat, as they covered their eyes and tried to run from the room. One diplomat was so shocked and horrified he has fallen into a catatonic state that he still has not woken up from. Another just felt he could not go on with his normal life and family when he returned home, and told his wife "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you" and kicked her out into the street with his daughters, only keeping his sons.

The rest of the diplomats are in therapy to deal with their devastated emotions.

"This was an affront to the Iranians as Muslims as well as human beings," said John Wimpatico of the Red Cross. "Everyone knows that it is against Muslim law for men to see woman's skin unless it is their own wife. This was blatant torture by America. I can only imagine the shame and humiliation they must have felt when they saw Mrs. Biden's bare arm. They would have been completely justified if they just cut it off right there, but they were so horrified they could not act in time. Maybe if they did it would have sent our cowboy senate a lesson: that you cannot trample the rights of others, that there will be a comeuppance."

An investigation has been ordered into the affair. The ACLU has been rumored to be looking into suing Biden personally for violation of church and state by not letting the Iranians practice their brand of Islam by forcing them to look at women's arms. Democratic Senators have been avoiding Biden, whispering "traitor" and "hatemonger" as he walks by.

A lawsuit has been filed against the US government on behalf of the diplomats. Ramsey Clark, representing the tortured Iranian diplomats, said "These people have suffered tremendously at the hands of the US. What have these people done? Funnel money and weapons to Hamas and Islamic Jihad and Hezbollah? And for that they deserve to be tortured and treated inhumanely? Nothing could justify this. Nothing. This is pure evil, and a sign what a corrupt violent plutocracy our country is."

Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization of Women, says "Who are we to judge another person's culture? Women enjoy freedom here in America, but we cannot force Iranian women to be free, or flaunt our freedom in front of Iranians. We had women in that room who were not covered head to toe. This is in clear violation of our liberal deconstructionist philosophy that no one way of governance is right, including liberty."

Go Ramsey Clark. You are fighting for all of us.

Rather Defends Hostage Story

Yesterday AP News ran a story of a US Soldier being held hostage, providing a picture of him at gunpoint. Almost immediately the "blogosphere" made accusations that it was not a picture of a human but rather of an action figure. After most of an entire day of speculation, the AP, CBS, and other news organizations put out a story saying the picture "may" be an action figure and not a real human.

"The first thing that tipped us off," said blogger Herman "Spock" Melvin, "was, well, it looked like a G.I. Goe doll. I mean just look at it, you can tell immediately. Then, well that's about it, really. I can't believe anyone fell for this. Excuse me a moment ... sorry, had to flush."

The picture that caused the controversy

However, the news media is not buying the action figure story.

"We just made a big mistake running with an anti-US story too soon without fact checking it," said Eason Jordan, CNN Chief News Executive, "we don't want to make the same mistake and retract the story without first fact-checking to see if it is false. We need to take our time with this.

"This could be real bad news for the US military if it's true, and we need to make sure it is absolutely not true before we say it is not true. If we were to pull it and only produce anti-US stories that we could verify are true beforehand, then we would be biased in favor of the US, and we must remain neutral."

"I am disgusted that people are focusing on the picture itself, and not on the story behind the picture," said CBS News anchor Dan Rather, "what we have here is a real story. A US soldier is about to be killed. This story shows the unprofessionalism of the US military in allowing themselves to get caught. It also will evoke emotion from the audience and move more people to do the right thing: agree with Ted Kennedy that we need to bring the troops home now.

"But these pajamahideen, these right-wing conspiracy theorists, who are paid off by the Republicans, want to confuse you and change the story around to be about the 'evidence' and not the real story. The story is about soldiers dying, not about Iraqis' freedom. Wait - I mean the story is about Bush, not about the soldiers. Wait - I mean the story is about people dying because the US interfered, not people dying if the US did not interfere. Yeah, that's right."

A Thornburg and Boccardi, P.I., preliminary report came out. The report said "since the image is a copy and not the original negative, there is no way to know for certain whether this is a picture of a real hostage or an action figure. We intend to interview everyone who was involved in this report. In a few months we will come out with our recommendations, though I'm sure our position will not change: that we don't know anything and cannot know."

"I still believe the picture is true," said Rather, "there is no way to know for sure. Remember, elections have consequences. We should never have forced freedom on these people. Who are we to say freedom and democracy are better than anything else? Just because we call ourselves Democrats?

"I think we should just change our name to Deconstructionists, that would be less confusing."

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Swift Boat Vet Conspiracy Finally Proven

Over the past year there has been much speculation as to the truth behind the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth (SBV). The idea that they merely are veterans who got together once they saw Sen. Kerry was running for president obviously is too ludicrous be true.

Many people first though Karl Rove was part of the conspiracy. After all, two people working for the Bush campaign were connected in some way to the 527 group, and had to quit according to campaign law. Karl Rove was connected to them, so the conspiracy was obvious.

However, our research has turned up a conspiracy even more shocking with even more evidence behind it. We have found someone who had ties to a number of the Swift Boat Vets. Such strong connections cannot be denied, and are more than ample proof of some sort of conspiracy. This person had much to gain. His name is:

John Kerry.

John Kerry, unlike Karl Rove or anyone else in the Bush campaign, had ties to every single one of the Swift Boat Vets. He had the perfect opportunity to meet with them over a period of 30 years to perfect his plan and come up with the lies and falsehoods that the Swift Boat Vets would spread about the Senator.

This ingenious plan was to discredit the Bush campaign by having the SBV say outrageous lies about the Senator. Then when the lies were discredited and the vets who were tied to the campaign were exposed, the Bush campaign would fall apart. His plan failed when the gullible Republican voters were bamboozled by the lies that they told. Too late to retract the lies without exposing his part of the conspiracy, Kerry fell to a plan B: insinuate that the SBV were tied to Karl Rove. However, the damage had already been done.

Kerry overestimated the intelligence of the average Republican voter. Between the lies he and the SBV planted, and the threat of terrorism and gay marriage, he no longer had a chance.

We cannot deny the strength of these connections between Kerry and the Swift Boat Vets. For someone to know so many of them must be proof that there was some nefarious connection. The political campaign circles are small but cannot possibly be that small. Are we to believe that it is merely a convenient coincidence that he knew them? Do we look like fools? There can be no other reason for Kerry to actually know any of the Swift Boat Vets other than that there must have been a conspiracy between them and him.

In tomorrow's article we will explore the role of the hidden agent who came up with the whole conspiracy idea, the one with ties to so many secret campaign operatives he may be the most powerful man in politics today. His name:

Kevin Bacon.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Top Ten Things We're Sorry For

10. We did not listen to France and Germany when they wanted to drop sanctions against Saddam and trade with him for a better more stable middle-east

9. We continue to stubbornly demand facts instead of letting ad hominem arguments and emotions rule our political decisions, like "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer"

8. We believed the Democrats in '98 when they said Saddam was evil and must be eliminated, even though they changed their minds

7. We still believe the Democrats when they said also in '98 (after applying a short term fix) that Social Security was going to go bankrupt in 2019, even though they changed their minds

6. We have 6% unemployment while more compassionate European countries have 13-15% unemployment, even though they have high taxes and more benefits for their people than we do, just not the benefit of jobs

5. Our poor are better off than the middle class in most of the rest of the world

4. Bush wants to let Black parents choose which school to send their children to

3. We have the gall to think there is such a thing as absolute good and evil in the world, and that freedom and democratic republic governments are better than any other form of government

2. We forced freedom and democracy on the Iraqi and Afghani people

1. We forced freedom and democracy on the German and Japanese people

Whites Underwhelmingly Respond to Iraqi Election

Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was moved to tears during the Iraqi Elections, describing them "as important as the fall of the Berlin wall" and "no matter what party you come from, you have to be proud of these people and their courage braving danger to vote." Others pointed out that the fact that the leading party so far in the polls is not one the US would have preferred is the proof that this is the Iraqi's election, not a US puppet state.

But across the world whiter people, who are more sensitive to the needs of the Iraqi people, disagreed.

From Australia to Madrid, white people protested the elections. In America, white people hurled epithets at expatriate Iraqis going to the polls, calling them "sellouts", "traitors", and "monkeys," in a valiant effort to show their love for middle eastern tradition and disdain for Western influence over it - and for collaborators.

"Brown people don't want to vote, especially middle-eastern ones." said Greg Pason, National Secretary of the Socialist Party USA, "What they want is for their priests to rule over them and make decisions for them. That is why all socialist governments, like when the National Democratic Socialist Party ruled Germany, have had one party systems. It is easier on the people when they don't have to make choices.

"FOX News seems to go out of their way to find collaborators to interview, thus skewing our perceptions. Thank ... um ... no one ... for the rest of the media which reports the truth of what a quagmire Iraq is and how we're forcing freedom on them. Who are we to just assume everyone around the world wants freedom? The deaths of 31 people on election day should prove that we are wrong. How many more have to die before we stop interfering in their lives? "

"We need to treat Iraq like Rwanda, or the Sudan," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, "Just stay the hell out. France has handled those two countries just fine, hic. Why should we interfere? In fact, just yesterday a UN panel, under France's influence, hic, said there was no genocide happening in the Sudan - just like they said there wasn't in Rwanda. So see? hic. There's nothing to worry about. The darkies don't need the US butting in with our foreign aggression, they have France, a much more honest and compassionate partner to rely on."

On an even sadder note, news analysis has shown that even Al-Jazeera had more positive coverage than most Western news stations except for FOX News. In the New York Times, an article with a positive paragraph about the elections had that paragraph removed for the print edition, and the headline was changed to a decidedly more negative view.

"What is really sad is the darkies themselves have been fooled," said Bruce Ostrichia, President of People for Racial Equality. "When Al-Jazeera, which is usually so honest, starts promoting Republican propaganda, then you know there's a real problem. How can people so smart fall for such an obvious snow-job?"

Some, like Sen. John Kerry, appearing on Meet the Press, in what is perhaps the most emotional statement he has made in years, said the elections were "OK, but..." and went on to describe everything that's wrong and how there's a long way to go. When a partisan conservative reporter pointed out to him that people already know that, and why can't we just celebrate for even 24 hours, he said "I haven't been moved to tears since I had my tear ducts fused shut. Leaders cannot be emotional."

In fact the only white people that seem to be happy for the Iraqis are those that just recently threw off the yoke of tyranny. Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko said "We stand in solidarity with the Iraqi people. This is a great day for mankind, and a great day for people living under oppression in the rest of the Mid-east. Even Jordan is enacting democratic reforms as we speak." Some say obviously the people of the Ukraine have been fooled by their own "free" media, and need to go back to state controlled media so the state can remove any lies from news reports to keep the people safe from propaganda.

To get information on "the white street," before the elections we went to several of our Democrat friends and asked whether they were excited or not about the elections. Mostly we received negative feedback, about how people "are already being killed", and "we don't really know" if they want freedom and democracy or not, and how the "Communists also through spreading Communism was right." After the elections, we went around to the same people to ask how they felt, but they all waved us off and wouldn't talk about the elections, and seemed generally in a bad mood. We don't understand why since they were very willing to talk before, we thought they might have insightful opinions. So unfortunately we could not get any information on how "the white street" felt about the elections.

"This is all a conspiracy by Aunt Jemima Condi Rice," said Kennedy. "Just because she's black she thinks she knows what all the mud-people want? She should go back to her massah and make some war pancakes."