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Articles for this week's Archive
Researchers Discover More Pain Means More Euphoria
Extremist Sports
The Flamco Barkmaster 3000
Researchers Discover More Pain Means More Euphoria
Now that, thanks to some of the more fair-minded and liberal press, we now know starvation and dehydration are
peaceful ways to die, where your last weeks on earth are spent in a state of euphoria, Eyes On The Ball is proud to announce its affiliation with Euphoria Victories In Limbo (E.V.I.L.), a group dedicated to re-igniting the stalled death with dignity movement and stopping the Christian Right from taking away our right to die euphorically.
"The body releases endorphins naturally to deal with pain," said Dr. Ralph Schmerzmeister, pain management doctor at the Mayo Clinic and founder of Hypocrisy of Hippocrates. "This is what is colloquially known as runner's high. Endorphins are a natural painkiller, and are released in the body whenever there is pain, whether it is from inflammation due to running, or freezing, or starving.
"Therefore, by inflicting pain, you coax the body to release endorphins, inducing a state of euphoria."
Across the nation, E.V.I.L. has helped youths to form euphoria clubs, to spread the message of how euphoria can be naturally induced. We accompanied one such group walking the halls of Peoria High School. One boy ran up to a girl and smacked her on the back of the head with his Trapper Keeper.
"Hey!" she yelled, "what was that for?!"
"Just wait a second," he yelled as he ran away, "soon you will feel the rush of endorphines kick in."
"What? I never ... ooh, oh yes that feels good."
Other groups, like the KKK, have updated their mission statements. Bill Whitehead of the Southern Illinois chapter of the Klan told us "we are dedicated to helping the black man feel as euphoric as possible. If starving releases endorphines, imaging how much more endorphins, and how much more euphoria, will be released through the use of ropes or chains to cause pain."
"To die in such a state of euphoria is truly a better death than many of us will receive" said Matthew Hale, leader of Church of the Creator and currently in jail for soliciting the murder of a federal judge. "That is what the fascist Right does not understand, all we want is euphoria for everyone. And since you can't have constant euphoria, you might as well die right at the moment of greatest euphoria. Some of us have to stay behind to make sure people have the right to die. It is a tough sacrifice but I am willing to do it."
Jacques Chirac of France told us "this is why we were against interfering in Somalia and again in Zimbabwe. The media likes to show pictures of only the initial few days of suffering, it does not show the euphoria and the pleasure of the millions starving to death in Africa as we speak. They will meet a much better death starving than working in gem mines. And besides, it makes it easier to divert attention to America and to pretend France is not complicit in genocide. Wait, did I just say that out loud?"
Howard Verlierer of the Hemlock society also said "We used to counsel people to take sleeping pills, but even that is not painless but a harsh death where you asphyxiate while you are still awake. Now we see the error of our ways. We have helped several teenagers suffering from depression to throw out their medication and starve to death, we even have helped them by locking them in rooms so no one is tempted to bring them food. By all accounts, their deaths have been pain free and enlightening.
"This is even better than freezing to death. I'm going to get all my friends to try this."
Extremist Sports
KYLE skater punk leader of group
BUBBA: KKK
SAIEED: Muslim fanatic
CLETUS: militia gun nut
MOONWAVE: feminazi/eco-terrorist
(groups enters skating)
KYLE
woo hoo! That was one radical halfpipe they have set up, huh guys?
Group
Yeah! Awesome! Etc
KYLE
Ok now, you guys paid for 3 days of extreme sports, so we have 2 days left. Now what do you want to do next?
MOONWAVE
Let's snowboard!
CLETUS
I wanna do some cliff climbing!
BUBBA
Lets' go beat up some Muslims!
(group is dead silent)
SAIEED
I am a Muslim, and I am very offended. We are not all bombers you know.
BUBBA
Well ok, ... let's go beat up some Jews then!
SAIEED
Ok that's cool
KYLE
What? No! No we are not beating anyone up! Now I like E's idea of snowboarding, who's up for that?
MOONWAVE
I don't feel like snowboarding anymore
CLETUS
Neither do I
KYLE
Oh great. Now see what you did? Come on guys; don't let this guy ruin it for you. You paid for 3 days, now let's do something extreme!
SAIEED
To tell the truth I don't feel like it either.
BUBBA
I still say we beat up some Jews
KYLE
Shut up! This is extreme sports! Not extremist sports!
BUBBA
What?
KYLE
I said -
BUBBA
I heard you. This sounds like false advertising
KYLE
Oh come on, who ever heard of extremist sports?
BUBBA
So we're not going to beat up gays?
MOONWAVE
(angry to B)
Hey! What’s wrong with gays?
CLETUS
Yeah, what's wrong with - oh uh, nevermind.
KYLE
No, we're not beating up gays
BUBBA
Or N**ggers?
KYLE
(looks around nervously)
No! Shut up! You wanna get us beat up? You can't say that word!
BUBBA
So, no Jews? Kites?
KYLE
No!
BUBBA
What about wetbacks? Whops? Greaseballs? Illegal immigrants of all colors?
KYLE
No! No! NO! We're here to skate, all right? Now leave or shut up!
BUBBA
That’s it! I'm out a here! This is NOT what I signed up for.
(exit B)
KYLE
"You're not getting a refund!"
(to group)
Ok finally he's gone, now we rock and roll! Now, who's up for some snowboarding?
SAIEED
So... we're not going to kill Jews?
KYLE
What? No!
CLETUS
Wait, I thought we were gonna bomb the FBI or the government? or somethin?
KYLE
What? No! Didn't I just go through this? No bombs, no killing Jews or whiteys or blacks. None of that. This is extreme SPORTS, not sports for extreme people.
MOONWAVE
(incredulous)
Well, you could have been a little more clear.
CLETUS
Yeah, you could have just said "snowboarding" or "cliff diving" or something, instead of "extreme". How are we supposed to know what "extreme" means?
MOONWAVE
Yeah it means different things to different people.
SAIEED
This sounds like the illegal tactic of bait and switch, the preferred marketing tactic of ... the Jew...
(group : sharp intake of breath, like OMG!)
SAIEED
Are you a Jew?
KYLE
No!
MOONWAVE
Why are you so defensive about it then?
KYLE
I'm not being defensive!
CLETUS
Oh yeah he's being defensive allright. What's wrong? Only got a million dollars in your bank account your daddy gave you?
SAIEED
Gonna go oppress some Palestinians tonight?
KYLE
No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What is wrong with you people?
MOONWAVE
Look how angry he is
CLETUS
Yeah, now who's the extreme one?
KYLE
Ok fine! We’ll have a skate off. If I can out skate the 3 of you, then you shut up about beating up Jews, and we go snowboarding. If any of you guys beat me, then we'll go beat up Jews, all right?
group:
(in Ebonics)
"aiight"
(skate off, should last about 45 seconds. do silly things, some people fall eventually it's down to A and D, D cuts A off at last second, wins)
group
Yeah! We won!
KYLE
Oh my god. Ok.. Fine. Where are some Jews we can beat up?
SAIEED
Well if you ask me, we're looking at one
(others nod)
KYLE
Wha? - -- uH ok lets -
(runs. exit KYLE. Group laughs as he runs.)
MOONWAVE
Let's go back to my Cabin. I got the new Snoop Dog CD.
OTHERS
Aiight
(exeunt)
The Flamco Barkmaster 3000
(saul’s office, saul at desk)
(enter John carrying small speaker in hand, Chris behind)
CHRIS
I’m sorry sir, he just barged in, I couldn’t stop him.
SAUL
Barging into my office, eh?
JOHN
I have a complaint!
(slams device down on desk)
SAUL
I think I know what this is about, I can handle this Chris.
(Exit Chris back to her desk)
Now tell me what the problem is.
JOHN
This darn burglar scarer. It’s supposed to bark like a scary dog when a burglar comes by, but it doesn’t work.
SAUL
Really? But the Barkmaster 3000 is our best model. Let’s see.
(Saul, goes to front of desk, waves hand in front of box, activating motion detectors)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
SAUL
Well I don’t see the problem, it’s working fine.
JOHN
You don’t see the problem? The problem is it sounds like a tiny yippy dog! It’s supposed to sound like a big scary dog!
SAUL
Oh I disagree. That is most scary. I’m shaking right now.
(waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
(enter Chris)
CHRIS
What’s going on? I heard a vicious dog attacking you! Are you alright?
SAUL
I’m ok, thanks Chris.
CHRIS
Ok, let me know if you need anything
(exit Chris)
JOHN
Wha? … that is ridiculous. This thing doesn’t work.
SAUL
Oh … I think I understand. See, you have it set on the “friendly” setting. You have to change it to the “angry” setting.
(changes switch on box, waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
(says each “yip” lounder and holds them longer)
Yiiiiiiiipp! Yiiiiiip! Yiiiiiiip!
(Saul jumps over desk and hides behind it)
JOHN
That doesn’t even sound like a dog!
SAUL
Are you kidding? Where did that scary dog go? It was just here!
(enter chris)
CHRIS
Oh my god are you ok Saul? I heard a vicious dog!
SAUL
No, I’m ok, I think it was just that barking dog device.
CHRIS
That is sure scary! If I were a burglar, I would never try to break in a house if I heard that sound coming out.
JOHN
But I was robbed last week!
CHRIS
That’s crazy!
SAUL
You were robbed, are you sure you had the Barkmaster 3000 turned on?
JOHN
Yes, the thief even left me a note.
(pulls out note)
“I really only came in to kill your annoying yappy dog, but found this. Robbing you was just a bonus.”
CHRIS
Um.. I’d better get back to my desk.
(exit chris)
SAUL
Hmmm… I think I see the problem. We have to set this to extreme aggression.
(switches device to extreme)
Now be prepared …
(waves hand in front)
BARKING DOG MACHING
Yip ……… ee kai yay, mutha fucka!
JOHN
Wha? –
(enter chris with gun, swinging it wildly like has no idea how to use it, they both duck)
CHRIS
Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!
JOHN
Woa are you crazy!?
CHRIS
But I heard a really really vicious dog this time. It sounded like it was one of those Texan dogs
JOHN
That wasn’t even a dog! Dogs don’t talk!
SAUL
It sure sounded like a dog to me, I was scared …
(they stand there looking at each other for a moment)
ok fine you caught us, ok?. How much did they steal?
JOHN
About 500 bucks.
SAUL
Here, here’s 500 bucks. Just go.
(hands money over to john)
JOHN
Thanks for nothing. I’ll go now.
SAUL
Wait, just … don’t tell anybody about this, ok?
JOHN
Hmph.
(exit john)
CHRIS
What’s going to happen to us now, Saul?
SAUL
We make love like two wild, noisy animals, Chris.
(picks up Barkmaster 3000)
That gives me an idea. This thing records, doesn’t it?
(exeunt)
