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Thursday, January 13, 2005

Huge Turd Devastates California Countryside

Michael Moore Sought For Questioning
A large turd swept across Topanga Canyon this week, destroying homes and blocking the Topanga Canyon Road. Thirty people were left homeless and four cars were destroyed in the turdalanche.

California DOT workers remove the large dung boulder blocking both lanes of the Topanga canyon Road. The operation is expected to take the rest of the week, as long as temperatures remain low.

"My house, will you look at it?" exclaimed Robert Nordstrom, vineyard owner. "I worked for years to save enough to build that house, now it's gone. Well, it's still there but, I'm sure as hell not going back in there. Whew, can you smell that?"

At first we investigated who could have made the giant turd. We managed to track down Michael Moore outside an In N Out Burger, as our most likely suspect. Here is a transcript of our interview:

MM: Hey, what are you doing here?

EOTB: We are here to ask you where you were last night, and what you had for dinner.

MM: What? That's none of your business! Did George Bush send you? He has a personal vendetta against me and Bill Burkett! He has spies everywhere!

EOTB: No Mr. Moore, we just want to know what you ate last night. Did you have a lot of fiber?

MM: Hate crime! First amendment! Hey everybody, I'm being harassed because I'm fat!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we'd like to know where you were at 10:30 last night, the time the giant crap boulder was spotted.

MM: I'm gonna hold my breathe till I explode!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, can you just -

MM: You hate me because I tell the truth, don't you? You can't handle the truth, can you? The American people have been lied to. Sure by me, but that's not important. What's important is Bush lied!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we really don't care about your movies, we're not from the NRA, we just want to -

MM: Don't care? How can you not care? I am he most important film maker in history! I tell the truth! The only truth! The emotional truth, the real story behind the story, that's what's important! You got real balls coming here, Mr. Republican, well I'll show you, I am not defenseless, I know kung fu!

EOTB: Ok we are running out of tape -

MM: You can't sneak up on me like this! What do you do, just ambush people? That's not journalism!

Despite his refusal to talk to us about his whereabouts, we were able to make some progress in tracking down the dung ball origins. We contacted several scientists about the possible origin of the massive dung ball. Unfortunately, DNA testing cannot be done on feces, since typically there is little to no material from the host animal to perform any testing. However, we were able to determine that the majority of the dung ball is composed of Twinkies and hot dogs.

But as we searched through old newspaper records, it turns out, this was not the first time gargantuan balls of feces have been sighted. In fact, there have been 30 sightings near Flint, Michigan alone. Coincidentally, Michael Moore lived in a suburb of Flint for much of his life. Not only that, but if you trace wherever Mr. Moore lived or was on location filming, somewhere around that exact time a massive dung boulder was reported terrorizing and destroying neighborhoods.

"My house is still der, un'er dat hill over der," said Clyve Huxley, resident of Columbine, Colorado. "While dat Moore fella were here filmin', a giant ball o' crap fell on top er my house. Dat hill is actury a crap hill. Just some grass grew o'er it, dat's all. Now - I don' know if dat crap came from Mr. Moore? But I reckon' it ain't natural, if you take my meanin'."

Submarines have attempted to dive down to the original epicenter of the earthquake that caused the south Asian tsunami last month, to see if it was caused by gigantic dung balls falling to the bottom, perhaps falling out of an overflying plane dumping its waste. Unfortunately the water there is too murky with a brown clay-like substance, presumably dirt and other refuse from the devastated islands nearby.

Elsewhere in California, lab tests have concluded that what at first was thought to be a "mud" slide, was actually something else: the result of too much Mexican food.