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Friday, November 26, 2004

Bush asks Congress to approve drilling on Titan

The recent NASA Cassini Mission to Titan discovered the moon of Saturn is rich with natural methane and oil. Fearing his Alaskan wildlife refuge drilling plan will not pass, and wasting no time in his agenda to reduce dependence on Middle Eastern oil, Bush has asked Congress to approve a large scale drilling program on Titan.

"Titan is the largest reserve of hydrocarbon based fuel ever found," the President said in a press conference this week, "with my drilling program, America will no longer need to import oil, in fact, we will be able to export it."

Dick Gephardt expressed his opposition to the plan. "I don't think the President understands how expensive it is to send astronauts even to the space station, let alone to Titan, a moon of Saturn. Besides, we need that money to give the kickbacks we promised to the AFL-CIO."

When confronted with Gephardt's accusation, Bush said "Money? Once we get that oil flowing, it will pay for itself. I'm not really worried about it, in fact, I haven't even thought about it."

Saudi Arabia is already lobbying Congress to reject Bush's plan. "This plan is ill-conceived," said Prince Bandar bin Sultan, Saudi ambassador to the U.S., "Any oil drilling on Titan must be tied to the Question of Palestine. To ignore this would destabilize the mideast. If we don't remain the largest supplier of oil, Palestinian freedom fighters would no longer have funding."

Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, and even the SETI Project have also expressed their disagreement with the plan. "Our drilling there will have catastrophic environmental consequences. Titan is covered in methane, oil, and a carbon dioxide rich atmosphere. Can you imagine the consequences of an oil spill in such an environment? We have already estimated 1.5 million species will die each day on Titan if drilling is commenced."

Greenpeace is lobbying for another bill, dubbed the Titan Cleanup Initiative, which would dispatch astronauts to clean Titan and dispose of the oil that covers the surface.