The Flamco Barkmaster 3000
(saul’s office, saul at desk)(enter John carrying small speaker in hand, Chris behind)
CHRIS
I’m sorry sir, he just barged in, I couldn’t stop him.
SAUL
Barging into my office, eh?
JOHN
I have a complaint!
(slams device down on desk)
SAUL
I think I know what this is about, I can handle this Chris.
(Exit Chris back to her desk)
Now tell me what the problem is.
JOHN
This darn burglar scarer. It’s supposed to bark like a scary dog when a burglar comes by, but it doesn’t work.
SAUL
Really? But the Barkmaster 3000 is our best model. Let’s see.
(Saul, goes to front of desk, waves hand in front of box, activating motion detectors)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
SAUL
Well I don’t see the problem, it’s working fine.
JOHN
You don’t see the problem? The problem is it sounds like a tiny yippy dog! It’s supposed to sound like a big scary dog!
SAUL
Oh I disagree. That is most scary. I’m shaking right now.
(waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
(enter Chris)
CHRIS
What’s going on? I heard a vicious dog attacking you! Are you alright?
SAUL
I’m ok, thanks Chris.
CHRIS
Ok, let me know if you need anything
(exit Chris)
JOHN
Wha? … that is ridiculous. This thing doesn’t work.
SAUL
Oh … I think I understand. See, you have it set on the “friendly” setting. You have to change it to the “angry” setting.
(changes switch on box, waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
(says each “yip” lounder and holds them longer)
Yiiiiiiiipp! Yiiiiiip! Yiiiiiiip!
(Saul jumps over desk and hides behind it)
JOHN
That doesn’t even sound like a dog!
SAUL
Are you kidding? Where did that scary dog go? It was just here!
(enter chris)
CHRIS
Oh my god are you ok Saul? I heard a vicious dog!
SAUL
No, I’m ok, I think it was just that barking dog device.
CHRIS
That is sure scary! If I were a burglar, I would never try to break in a house if I heard that sound coming out.
JOHN
But I was robbed last week!
CHRIS
That’s crazy!
SAUL
You were robbed, are you sure you had the Barkmaster 3000 turned on?
JOHN
Yes, the thief even left me a note.
(pulls out note)
“I really only came in to kill your annoying yappy dog, but found this. Robbing you was just a bonus.”
CHRIS
Um.. I’d better get back to my desk.
(exit chris)
SAUL
Hmmm… I think I see the problem. We have to set this to extreme aggression.
(switches device to extreme)
Now be prepared …
(waves hand in front)
BARKING DOG MACHING
Yip ……… ee kai yay, mutha fucka!
JOHN
Wha? –
(enter chris with gun, swinging it wildly like has no idea how to use it, they both duck)
CHRIS
Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!
JOHN
Woa are you crazy!?
CHRIS
But I heard a really really vicious dog this time. It sounded like it was one of those Texan dogs
JOHN
That wasn’t even a dog! Dogs don’t talk!
SAUL
It sure sounded like a dog to me, I was scared …
(they stand there looking at each other for a moment)
ok fine you caught us, ok?. How much did they steal?
JOHN
About 500 bucks.
SAUL
Here, here’s 500 bucks. Just go.
(hands money over to john)
JOHN
Thanks for nothing. I’ll go now.
SAUL
Wait, just … don’t tell anybody about this, ok?
JOHN
Hmph.
(exit john)
CHRIS
What’s going to happen to us now, Saul?
SAUL
We make love like two wild, noisy animals, Chris.
(picks up Barkmaster 3000)
That gives me an idea. This thing records, doesn’t it?
(exeunt)
posted by Pluto's Dad @ 3/21/2005 02:29:00 PM
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