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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Researchers Discover More Pain Means More Euphoria

Now that, thanks to some of the more fair-minded and liberal press, we now know starvation and dehydration are peaceful ways to die, where your last weeks on earth are spent in a state of euphoria, Eyes On The Ball is proud to announce its affiliation with Euphoria Victories In Limbo (E.V.I.L.), a group dedicated to re-igniting the stalled death with dignity movement and stopping the Christian Right from taking away our right to die euphorically.

"The body releases endorphins naturally to deal with pain," said Dr. Ralph Schmerzmeister, pain management doctor at the Mayo Clinic and founder of Hypocrisy of Hippocrates. "This is what is colloquially known as runner's high. Endorphins are a natural painkiller, and are released in the body whenever there is pain, whether it is from inflammation due to running, or freezing, or starving.

"Therefore, by inflicting pain, you coax the body to release endorphins, inducing a state of euphoria."

Across the nation, E.V.I.L. has helped youths to form euphoria clubs, to spread the message of how euphoria can be naturally induced. We accompanied one such group walking the halls of Peoria High School. One boy ran up to a girl and smacked her on the back of the head with his Trapper Keeper.

"Hey!" she yelled, "what was that for?!"

"Just wait a second," he yelled as he ran away, "soon you will feel the rush of endorphines kick in."

"What? I never ... ooh, oh yes that feels good."

Other groups, like the KKK, have updated their mission statements. Bill Whitehead of the Southern Illinois chapter of the Klan told us "we are dedicated to helping the black man feel as euphoric as possible. If starving releases endorphines, imaging how much more endorphins, and how much more euphoria, will be released through the use of ropes or chains to cause pain."

"To die in such a state of euphoria is truly a better death than many of us will receive" said Matthew Hale, leader of Church of the Creator and currently in jail for soliciting the murder of a federal judge. "That is what the fascist Right does not understand, all we want is euphoria for everyone. And since you can't have constant euphoria, you might as well die right at the moment of greatest euphoria. Some of us have to stay behind to make sure people have the right to die. It is a tough sacrifice but I am willing to do it."

Jacques Chirac of France told us "this is why we were against interfering in Somalia and again in Zimbabwe. The media likes to show pictures of only the initial few days of suffering, it does not show the euphoria and the pleasure of the millions starving to death in Africa as we speak. They will meet a much better death starving than working in gem mines. And besides, it makes it easier to divert attention to America and to pretend France is not complicit in genocide. Wait, did I just say that out loud?"

Howard Verlierer of the Hemlock society also said "We used to counsel people to take sleeping pills, but even that is not painless but a harsh death where you asphyxiate while you are still awake. Now we see the error of our ways. We have helped several teenagers suffering from depression to throw out their medication and starve to death, we even have helped them by locking them in rooms so no one is tempted to bring them food. By all accounts, their deaths have been pain free and enlightening.

"This is even better than freezing to death. I'm going to get all my friends to try this."